How do you deal with a controlling father at 45, who insist on his way or the highway?

Question

I am married , 45, no kids with aging parents. My father has always been and emotionaly and psychically abusive to myself, my siblings and my mother. I avoid him 90% of the time, but I want a relationship with my mom and he wants at all cost to control that also. He will always try to answer the phone when I call, Yesterday Mom and I had plans to go shopping and when I arrived to pick Mom up he announced he was going and he would drive. I said no, if he insisted on coming then he would take his own car and follow us. I have been in his car with him before and his attitude is it is my car and we will do what I say or their is hell to pay. I promised myself that I would not allow myself to be in this situation ever again.............I was trying to establish Boundaries, I could not stop him from coming, but I would not be subjected to his tirades again.
Well he cursed me out and caused quite a scene, how should I handle this.............it has happened to me again. Thank you

Answer 1

Tell your Dad the only way you'll continue to associate yourself with him is through family therapeutic counseling. At your age you should "stand up for yourself" out of all due respect to your parents. Let him know (through counseling) how you're feeling; otherwise you wouldn't get a word in edge wise... A third party will act as mediator, etc.. On the other hand, plan outings with your Mom when your Dad is away (I know that sounds childish, but you have to do whatever you can to continue a relationship with your Mom). Personally I wouldn't want to be bother either; except my father passed over 16 years ago and my mother passed this year at age 75 (...I wish I had my parents). Life is too short, enjoy your parents (through counseling) while you can.
Best Wishes & Many Blessings

Answer 2

Wow and Sorry. Its too bad the relationship is so one sided. Maybe you can try to talk to him and tell him how you feel. you're a man and he has to accept that fact. As for the physical abuse, he needs to be stopped.

Take that step and call the cops... don't be affraid that once he gets out, a war will begin. He just hasn't been stopped or had a reality check... I can imagine it would be embarrassing to him at his age to get arrested for hitting his son, whos 45yrs old. Even if its just one night, he will be up all night thinking about what he did!

FYI: If the incident happens on a Friday... he wont be able to see a judge until Monday... just take that into consideration. Invite your mother out on a Friday and if anything happens, he'll have a whole weekend to reflect and realize that what he is doing is wrong.

Good Luck with this!

Truly
ElleXiz

Answer 3

First, get your mother a private cellphone that you pay for. Then call her often, but make sure your dad cannot get access to it.
Second, your father is probably 65+ yrs, and is probably not going to change his behavior. The idea of him going to counselling is a good idea, but I suspect has a low chance of changing him. It may be worth a try.
Third, his behavior to your mom, you and your siblings is terrible, and he needs to be confronted on it - it would good to have you and your siblings be united and have a sit-down, heart-to-heart talk with him about his behavior, your collective expectations and new ground rules, consequences of his actions, and steps he should take. Try to be rationale and control the emotions and blame, because that will make your dad defensive and shut down from further listening.
Fourth, he may actually have an undiagnosed mental problem. Can you & your mom talk with his personal physician about his behavior and any other symptoms?
Fifth, continue to talk with and be supportive of your mother. She has to deal with you dad every single day. She must have the patience of Job.

You have to treat your father with a minimum of respect, but you also need backbone to stand up to his awful behavior.

I wish you and your family all of the best.

Answer 4

I think what you're saying here is that you can't have a relationship with your mother because your father controls her. I don't know how you can handle this, if your mother doesn't make her own decisions. Is she easily controlled, or is it the only way she can handle the situation? Does your mother tell him everything whenever you talk to her? If she does, it seems to me that she's giving him too much control over her. You should be able to make arrangements with your mother to be with her alone sometimes. I feel bad for you, but I feel sorry for her. Life can't be easy for her.

Answer 5

howey: It is imperative that YOU get into see a competent Counsellor for some "to do" advice concerning your situation !!! Do you know what it is like to live life independent of this type of control freak in your life? He manipulated you with verbal abuse, shame, and will continue until you delete HIM from your life. Just because he's your father in name doesn't mean he owns you. The idea of parenting is to raise your children to be independent (not co-dependent) and strike out on life ALONE as adults ! You have to do this for your own, well-being both emotionally and mentally! How do you relate to your husband having a father like that? This must set the tone for your marriage, I'm sure .

Answer 6

Ha, I even have precisely the comparable undertaking with my father! We argue and debate approximately who's good or who's incorrect just about continually. although i eventually have been given used to it. i think your father is punishing you because of the fact there's a undeniable ability war happening between you 2. yet if you consider that he's your father, he immediately has have been given greater authority over you than you have over him so he misuses it to place you down and make you already know that "he's the guy" and you're able to desire to take heed to him. It happens plenty that fathers grow to be very overwhelming in households with a submissive mom. when you consider that she will have the skill to not ***** or do something he will save doing as he pleases. yet once you do not believe him on a topic count, that's greater effective so you might not be afraid to declare what you think of, to stand up and communicate. he will save being overly controlling as long as there will be no barriers and that no person dares to tell him that he's going to far. subsequently try to be the "somebody" who could open his eyes. EDIT: yet be sure to not argue for futile issues. he's your father, you nevertheless could desire to be respectful in the direction of him and hear him while it quite is important. once I argue with my father, i do it because of the fact i actual do not believe him on a extreme subject count, not in uncomplicated terms because of the fact he won't permit me pass to that social gathering or saturday evening. the main serious area of evade unneeded conflict is likewise admitting it once you're incorrect and while he's incorrect, talk up, yet in a comfortable and respectful way

Answer 7

its great that u want 2 have a relationship w/ ur mom but @ ur age u shouldnt have 2 deal w/ ur dad if u dont want 2 if he tries 2 talk 2 u dont talk 2 him and dont let him push u around once he sees that u wont back down he will stop tryin 2 bully u

Answer 8

Stop dealing with him. You can have a great relationship with your mom and never speak to him. The silence will teach him the error of his ways-

Answer 9

Keep persisting dont give up so far he know u will just give in to his demands.Good luck