people in blended families please help,my husbands(tom) exwife is making my life hell from jealousy?

Question

She never really liked me but since we got married its gotten worse(no he DID NOT leave her for me)She uses thier 7yr old mike like bait to control tom.Here are just SOME examples i am not allowed to watch mike alone,it tom is not there he is to go home to her.She has talked so badly about me to other parents none of mike's friends can come over to play.I can't have any contact with mike's school/teacher i can't even pick him up from school.She always trys to get tom to go to her parties that she is giving for mike even though we have our oun parties for him.i went once and her and her family sat there and glared at me to whole time,not fun.The worst part of this is tom allows this to happen.We fight over this all the time and he always says i can't control what she says.Thats true but he does not have to go along with "her rules" ether.They both have joint custody so doesn't he have a say?how can i handle this,tom will not stand up to her for anything so i'm on my own.

Answer 1

Some kind of husband!!!
Unless he shows some backbone, your situation is not going to improve.
Maybe you should accept it and give it less importance.
There is little you can do as long as your husband won’t be active in this case.

Answer 2

Well first off if they have shared custody she cannot make the child come home on days that are designated for him...........talk to Tom about this and say it's becomming a huge issue in the relationship and you are considering breaking up with him over this...explain that you do not want to be Mike's new mother but you are an adult figure in his life and he needs to learn to respect you which will not happen with his mother acting the way she is.....Tom cannot control his ex but he can put his foot down in certain places....

Answer 3

She sounds like a childish and immature woman. She makes ex-wives look bad. My advice is to call a "family mtg". But only you three should sit down in a room and talk civilly. Don't get huffy though when identifying what it is that is making you feel like the invisible third wheel here. Damn it you apart of that family too! Whether she likes it or not she needs to grow up and accept that. And your husband needs to be told that he is not showing loyalty which is a major part of any marriage. Only the facts. There are always two sides to everything and both of these people seem to be shutting you out without even listening to your needs.

Answer 4

Hon, you might want to try just stepping out of the picture. Let Mikie's issues be between his mom and dad. Enjoy him when you have him.

As far as if Tom isn't home and Mikie going home, then let her come and get him. She can bring him back when Tom gets home. It's her rule.

Stop fighting with your man. Let him make the judgement call on how he deals with the ex. Do what you need to do and then leave the rest alone. Mike will grow. He will know you treated him with respect amidst the slander. Try to leave the friends, teachers, and everyone to just Mom or Dad. If he needs to get picked up from school, let her do it. The end. Her kid.

As far as other parent's opinion of you, what counts is when the adult asks, "Mikie, do you like your dad's new wife?" and he goes, "Yeah, she's cool." Makes them wonder where Mom is coming from.

Answer 5

you'll need to seriously confront her. YOU are the lady of your home. she does not dictate what YOU do in your home, even if it involves her child, especially if you are married to the father who has JOINT custody! You need to tell her how things work in your home and not to even think about trying to override anything you say or do.

Your husband needs to stand by you, but if he lets the reigns go like that.. it's all yours! Nothing should hold you back when you talk to her and put her in her place. One thing for sure, DO NOT make any small talk with her. She'll listen to you more and anticipate what you are going to say or what you think so make her wonder. Only speak when you really have something to say and that is your rules and respect.

I would say kill her with kindness, but she sounds like a snake and kindness to a snake means absolutely nothing when they are ready to bite or squeeze you to death and that's exactly what she's doing. I have a stepchild also, but the mother knows better so does my husband. Don't let anyone get over on you like that. The ball is really in your court. Dribble the hell out of it!

Answer 6

That's a hard one. You need to also lay down some rules. Tell him that you expect him to stick up for you. You aren't doing anything wrong, exactly the opposite. It sounds like you are very good to the kid. His ex is obviously extremely jealous of you and that is the way she tries to get back at you and him but the only one it is hurting is actually the kid. I don't mean to downplay your feelings but kids are the innocent ones in these situations and it makes me sick when parents to these kinds of things. I wish you the best of luck with this. I bet you are dreading Christmas family issues this year.

Answer 7

basically your guy desires a back bone. I also have a mixed relatives and fortunatley i'm getting alongside with my ex and his spouse. It has gotten diffucult interior the previous yet Tom desires to advance some balls and open his mouth. If she doesnt comply pass to courtroom they'll pay attention to each thing which you and your husband has to declare. Even tyhough you're a step mom you have rights to declare stuff too.

Answer 8

sounds like he is married to two women to me.

if the woman sets the ground rules for your family, it seems that both you and your husband together should have a sit down.
and fight it out with her.

she loves to control the whole situation. if you dont tolerated any of it, it wont stand.

i would not do anything with the child, nothing.
if they wont let you interact alone, then it shows me that they dont wish to trust you.

let the husband take the child someplace else besides your house. the child isnt part of YOUR family anyway. unless things change.

he is married to two women. no question.
and he is listening to you less than the other woman.

Answer 9

Sounds like the ex-wife is enjoying watching you squirm. You are an additional mother to her son and are married to her ex-husband . . . she is purposefully trying to make you uncomfortable and convey to you the message that you are second choice and second banana. My suggestion . . . love and care for your step-son when he is with you . . . the other times...just let it go. Stop attempts of picking him up at school or added extra time with your step-son etc. Share in conversation with your husband and step-son that you see it makes the (son's) mom uncomfortable, and while she transitions to being used to your place in the family that you are going to back off and let things breath. Reassure them that you love them and are a family, but you are going to step back and let things breath till balanced again. What you are REALLY saying (but don't let on) is this . . . you guys are rude, I'm not going to be nipping at your "bait" amy more, I'm the new wife and loving step-mother, I'm done graveling for your approval simply because I love my husband and came into this family . . . back off ! ! ! And, your husband . . . shame on him. . . a man and woman in love are to look after each other and not let anyone mess with their honey. Your husband is not speaking up to others to back off . . . so you need to handle it yourself (in a responsible keen minded way). Yet, be careful, don't know how long you've been married...but your husband's behavior . . . not a good sign. Have some good strong clear conversations with him or heaven help you in the future. I wish you well.

Answer 10

it is obvious that your husband is not going to stand up to her.so, you may have to give him a choice. either take care of the situation or your not going to be a part of it any more.but if you want to stay with your husband then let this go.so what if you cant talk to his teachers and so what if he cant be alone with you, i guess that keeps your days free from baby sitting.let this bit** have her way.one day she is going to need you to be there for this kid and that's when you can have the last laugh.when this kid gets older he will see what his mom is like.