Help me, my husband is mad at me,because he said i tried to take off authority in front of our daughter?

Question

also in front of His family.We were invited to his aunt house and our 7 year old,called his aunt "shut up *****" and gave her a little smack,because she told her to wash her hands like 3 times.I was in Shock,i pop her mouth,BUT my husband bust her butt,I GOT SO MAD,since he never did it before,neither did i.Obviously, i told him to stop,probably he felt humilliated,and told me to never take his authority off.HE gave her like 3 slaps,but i got mad,because we never done that before.Now,he's mad at me, how can i fix it.
His aunt is a sweet older lady, my daughter learned that language from neighbors.This situation happened yesterday,his also mad,because he said i had a Stern look the whole time at his aunt house. What can i do ? my daughter did said sorry, BUT now i'm embarrassed to go back.What do u advise ??? Was he right or wrong ? She was told before ,of the consequences of bad language. Any advise ???????

Answer 1

At the age of 7 kids pick up on all sorts of things. BUT, I can relate to your problem since my husband and I had the same problem (me taking the authority away) when ours were younger.
I felt that my punishment was just and fair and not over-board where I believed my husbands was unjust, unfair and a little over-board...
Well we would argue and fight over it and one day I told him lets come up with a new plan...
So from then on when the children did a no-no or whatever wrong, we sent them to their room until he and I could discuss it together... then a proper punishment was assigned and he and I carried it out together... I had to appologize for taking his authority because the children would assume I would defend them from him right or wrong. So I noticed by my actions towards daddy, they were not listening and respecting him.
But we did stop spanking and came up with alternative punishments. That is where I argued with his punishings is because he spanked.
Now that also falls back to how we were raised... I challenged his authority because my father was the primary disciplinarian and he spanked with a belt, I felt fear towards my father and never wanted my kids to feel that way about their dad. He was raised without being spanked... so he didn't see the damage he was actually causing by spanking them. Spanking leads to low self esteem, feeling worthless, embarrassed, and stupid.... I have had to deal with issues on how I felt growing up because of that one thing. Not that I am telling you to stop spanking, because every parent needs to do what is best for them. There are times I felt like spanking my children, instead I send them to their room until I feel calm inside, and pick a different punishment... for cussing I would make them hold soap in their mouth, for other things, I would make them stand in a corner, make them do stand up sit down punishment (this seems to work well with all the kids they hate that) grounding them, taking away their fave's and not letting them see friends or use the phone... you can come up with all kinds of alternative punishments but make sure you and your husband can agree on it... Kids will follow what other kids do, so if it is wrong then talk to her and really explain the consequences..

Good luck with this... from one mom to another.

Answer 2

If spanking is not the 'parenting' the two of you agreed on, then you have every right to be upset. Second of all, there are TWO of you and your husband has no right at all to tell you he's the authority one. Forget that crap....when your daughter did wrong, you let her know by doing what you did, but your husband shouldn't have punished again; the situation was already being taken care of. Your husband is probably just embarrassed all together. He needs to get a grip.

Answer 3

My husband and I have an agreement never to contradict each other in front of our children as it it is percieved as discord by the children and lessens their security. It also shows 'weak points' in our unity which children can learn to exploit.
I think both of you were right to enact a swift punishment on your daughter for her language. Discipline, in order to be effective, has to be swift, meaningful and then forgotten. For example, my children only get a spanking if they are outright defiant against a parental request or rule, especially involving their personal safety. The spanking comes immediately (so that it's associated with the unacceptable behaviour), is followed by a brief explanation as to why it was handed out and is finished with a hug and 'I love you.' The incident is not brought up again and is considered finished.

Answer 4

well I see it your way, you had already as you said popped her that should have been enough, him coming after the fact was the wrong way to handle it. I know he was probably embarrassed at what she said but he should have taken her right to the aunt and made her apologize directly to the aunt then when she got home then maybe taken away a favorite toy game etc for a while to teach her the consequences of her action. we all spank our kids but he went a little overboard it would have been different if he would have spanked her first then you wouldn't of had the right to smack her.

Answer 5

i would say if you felt his punishment was becoming excessive you did the right thing by stopping behavior you didn't like when it comes to your child. if you had already popped her in the mouth it was unnecessary that he punished her also. when it comes to your children you shouldn't have to be sorry for taking up for them when they are being wronged even if it is your husband who's doing the wrong. i don't think it took away his authority as much as he thinks. but it did show your daughter you respect her and love her enough to stop something being done to her that you felt didn't need to be done. it probably will make her trust you more. and if he is that bothered by it promise you will talk to her and explain why you stopped the behavior and that she still needs to show her father the same respect. it's important for your kids to know you stand by them no matter what. you seem like a very caring and loving mom. don't question decisions you make as her mother that you feel are right.

Answer 6

Don't argue with the father in front of the child. Ask to see him in another room, right now if necessary. Don't worry about the aunt. I know your embarrassed but no one expects raising a kid to be easy. The worst thing you could do would be to not go over there again.

Answer 7

It sounds like you reacted first. I think whoever reacts first should be the one to punish. Or however ya'll have decided it. There was no reason for you both to jump her. And if you don't want hitting, then you both need to decide that BEFORE its time to discipline. It sounds like you should both apologize and decide how to do things. You both have the right to discipline, not just him. I'd get mad too if I thought my husband went overboard. There is a difference between punishing and being mean. If he went too far, I'd call him on it. I don't care where we are or who is around. Punishing is for discipline, not a chance to hit in anger.

Answer 8

She needed even more then your husband gave her. Let dads be dads. A good father will never put up with that crap. If she were my daughter she would have pants pulled down, and spanked for a good long time. Seriously people, where is the parenting today????

Answer 9

Some how you did take his authority and it is in front of his family.
But what happened happen already and you were both shock to incident I guess. Well you can tell and reason out to him what's your thought and your feeling at that moment and hopefully he will understand and forgive you. Everyone made mistake why you should be exempted to that, we all made mistake but we can all correct that mistake, just don't do it again. Good luck.

Answer 10

you r absolutely right. Both parents are equal and excessive beating and scolding especially only complicates matters. A child is as well a humane and she should be taught whats right and wrong by words not slaps. Please don't get bowed down by Ur husband's behavior and stand up for itself and Ur daughter. She is Ur child also. And children are pure, they don't know anything. Manners needs to be taught with love and compassion.