I have stepchildren living with me that were all sweetness and light before they moved in. To my horror I found out their mother *never* disciplined them in any way at home. They are 10 girl/14-boy. Their father’s only here when they’re asleep. He works over 100 hrs per week, refuses family counseling and discipline of *any* kind towards the boy, little towards the girl. The're usually ignore me when I ask them the simplest of questions or give smart backtalk to every word I say: Am I supposed to still try and do weekend activities with them and stuff? People say stepparents are never to discipline. Does this mean I have to subject myself to taking them on entertaining activities or letting them use fun things at home and give them my time and attention when they are acting so hostile towards me? Also, today the last straw was when the 10 year old punched me in the leg (frustrated she lost a card game we were playing). Should I just take them out for treats? I feel so guilty!
2006-12-09 13:05:50 · 13 answers · asked by Gracie 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
sounds like he found himself a cheap sitter
2006-12-09 13:09:26 · answer #1 · answered by giftingking 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't have to spoil them if they're being disrespectful... but I agree... the step-parents shouldn't be disciplining the children. You should discuss the behavior with your husband. Would he want you to take them out and do certain things with them? What are his feelings on the matter? You certainly shouldn't be expected to take them to do fun things if they're punching you in the leg! BUT, there has to be a balance there. The more you retreat... the more they will as well. The less fun you are... the more they will resist being agreeable. The more you try to punish them by withholding time/attention... the less they will want to pay anything you say attention as well. You're the adult... you have to initiate the healing in the relationship if it's to take place. Perhaps you and your husband should consult a counselor about the problem. It might benefit you both to have a professional who understands the dynamics of the situation and the impact of your actions on the children... to help you come to a solution that will not only benefit the kids... but also make your life easier!
Best wishes.
2006-12-09 21:52:24 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh geez! I can only imagine the hell at home for you. This is such a common problem with blended families. I am currently happily married and my hubby and I have 4 kids--BUT no matter what, I have made a vow that I will never marry again for this very reason...even if the guy doesn't have kids! It's just too complicated--the ages of your stepchildren are normally defiant times to begin with--mix that with lack of discipline from their mother, an absentee father, and a 'stranger' (you) trying to tell them what to do. Their behavior, though very, very bad, sounds par for the course.
I don't know how to advise you here. It doesn't sound like your marriage is very strong or that your husband takes an active role in his children's lives. You sound very unhappy and desperate for things to change--as if there are only a few straws left. I guess you just have to ask yourself some tough questions...Is 4 to 8+ more years of this crap really worth it? (and without some kind of counseling or intervention, it will only get worse)
You shouldn't have to live in misery or in a guilt-ridden state...this is your LIFE and you only get one...all I can suggest is that you use your life wisely.
I'll be praying for you and your family--
2006-12-09 14:20:12 · answer #3 · answered by єЖтяα ¢яιѕρψ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Discipline those kids. Is the 10yr old going to punch her teacher in the leg for a bad grade? The solution is simple.tell those kids " If you aren't going to behave like decent people in the house with me, then I'm not taking you anywhere. Tell the dad the same thing. If he gets mad he can cut back on his work hours and take them his self. Then at some point he will see the BS that is going on. He probably feels guilty about disrupting his kids lives. By the way, I would have punched her back in the leg because I won!
2006-12-13 04:22:26 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, it sounds to me like your husband needs to "step up" and take some responsibility here. It is not fair for you to not be able to discipline when you are the only guardian to these children.
I wouldn't stop the discipline if I were you, I would stick my ground or else these children are never going to learn how to respect and they will turn into the muck of our society. I'm sure their father wouldn't want that.
You should be taking away their treats, and you should not feel guilty. You are in a tough position to have taken on someone elses children to begin with, but clearly, when you got together with this guy, you knew the baggage that came along. Wether or not his kids got along with you to begin with has nothing to do with it. .They are going to lash out on you and see how far they can push you. they probably did the same thing to their birth mother, and she probably gave up. I think that you need to be the strong one here, and if their daddy won't let you be, then you need to be giving him an ultimatum.. Nobody in this family should be neglected, and so far, you and the kids are being neglected by him.
2006-12-09 14:57:13 · answer #5 · answered by Deu 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you need to talk with your husband about setting some boundaries. When I tell people that step-parents shouldn't discipline I mean that the step parent shouldn't be the one to hand out the punishment, the bio parent should. Think of how you would treat your neighbors kids or a friends kid that you were babysitting, you wouldn't punish them as you would your own but you wouldn't let yourself be walked on either. I think that you need to sit down with your husband and explain to him that HIS children need HIS attention and that they are taking out HIS neglect of them on you. (He is neglecting them, any child who has been through a divorce and then the remarriage of a parent has a lot of problems that they don't know how to express, if he is working 100 hrs/week then HE IS NEGLECTING HIS CHILDREN)
Don't let yourself be used as a cheep baby sitter, make your husband stand up and take the responsibility he signed up for when he became their father!
2006-12-09 14:48:21 · answer #6 · answered by 1 Supermom 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Tell your husband that you arent going to stand for t and he either lay down the laqw or you will do it. Lay out some rules and punishments. If you hit your grounded for 1 month if you backtalk no video games for a week. Anthing liek that. Make them learn that you are in charge. Trust me i am a kid and a world without boundries is chaos
2006-12-09 13:19:55 · answer #7 · answered by Amira M 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First off I am a step-parent myself and I can tell you this unless YOU let those kids know there are rules and bounderies they will continue to act as they do. I remember when my step daughter first visited with us and I asked her to clean her room she told me "I'll think about it" and I surely was not going to displine her, after all Im not her "real" mom and she already had it in her head by her real mom that me being a "step" I'd be mean to her. I called my husband as soon as she said that to me and he spoke to her on the phone, as soon as she hung up she went and cleaned her room. A few days later I asked her something and she rolled her eyes, again I didnt want to discipline her but if it had been my daughter I promise you she'd not have ever done these things to her step father. Finally the last straw we were outside having a bon fire and her dad said something to her and she went to kick him, and somehow from across the table I grabbed her leg in mid air and informed her she was NOT to ever kick her father and if she couldnt behave she'd have to go to her room. And she listened! A few days after that we were playing a board game and her father was winning and acting just like most little kids act saying "ha ha im winning your losing" and she went to hit him for it saying he was picking on her. Again her actions ticked me off and I sent her to her room. What I am trying to say is who cares if the biological mother never discipline them, as long as they are in YOUR house you have rules, make them known as I had to write them down, hang them where they are in plain view and read them to the kids and let them know what the consequences are if they break the rules and follow through with them. She has even stopped questioning her father when he tells her no, I guess she got tired of me telling her that she is a child and is not to question an adult when they tell her no. It worked for us, I hope it works for you.
2006-12-09 14:50:57 · answer #8 · answered by texas_angel_wattitude 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i have a 10yr old stepdaughter. i discipline her. i always have. i have been with her dad since she turned three. she has always been kind of snotty. just like her mother. she needs to know that there are different rules at either place and i don't put up with it. she thinks i am her maid and she gets scolded for leaving her crap all around and never doing ANYTHING when she comes here. i know it is just the age but come on. if i were you i would run as far away as i could get. it probably won't get any better since they are this old, they won't change.
2006-12-09 14:24:50 · answer #9 · answered by SARAH B 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
im sorry to hear this, but u are my worst fear. Gladly i am only 20 and for the most part dont have to worry about guys that have kids. I refuse to, im not going to be a live in baby sitter. they are his kids and tell him to talk to his wife about, trust me stay out of it and when they are around do things u wanna do, they are old enough to take care of themselves, atleast have the 14 year baby sit
2006-12-09 13:19:38 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
step-parenting is a job hell won't have, been there done that, and God it was tough and painful (both ways).
get some family counciling from any of the sources in your community (look in the phone book, check out churches, many pastors are qualified councilors).
don't be a door mat in this situation, make any changes necessary for you to keep your sanity, including divorce.
2006-12-09 14:03:02 · answer #11 · answered by captsnuf 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋