my wife and mother can't seem to get along in the same house what should i do?

Question

my wife is always complaining that my mom is too hard on our kids and is always bossing her and she is also complaining about how much stuff in the house my mom uses.

my mom is always saying that my wife ignores her and is rude to her and that she hates her. my wife says that she doesn't do any of those things. i want to believe my wife but the other is my mom.

what to do? my mom wants to live with us but she can support herself and is physicly capable of taking care of herself and my wife says she needs to go.

She just gave ma an ultamatum it my mom or her and the kid what do i do now? if she leaves she is going to AZ and well i hate it there.

i love my wife but i feel responsible for my mom. my dad died 5 years ago and well now she wants to live with us she said that she loves me and my kids and wife. why would she say all that and then be "so mean to my wife".

Answer 1

First in many states, one spouse cannot take a child and leave the state without a very valid reason. You need to check on your state's rules and inform wife if she keeps making this threat that should she chose that you will fight for custody if necessary (only say this later if the plan below does not work--do NOTsay this now or let her know you checked your state child custody laws) but begin by saying you believe the marriage can be improved if both women cooperative and if they love you and wish to save the marriage and improve the situation in a way that is fair to everyone.

Your wife is being controlling and threatening you with loss of your child as she may be jealous of your love and devotion to your mother. It may just be an empty threat. You need to work to shift the balance of power between your wife and you right now..she put herself in a position where you are in an unfair situation/dilemma.

Tell your wife she has put you in this unfair position and left only two bad options..hurting her or hurting your mom by choosing between the two women you love most in the world. Tell her this would cause long-term hurt and pain for one of the women and you don't want anyone hurt. Tell her there is a third option and that is actively working to resolve the problems, improve their relationship, and be a good example for your child.

Assure both women of how much you love them while also expressing why you love the other one as well. Tell them because you love them and your child so much, you will be devoting time in trying to make things better between them and addressing the problems they have with each other. Have a nice dinner you cook or get some Chinese takeout or something and then sit down in a relaxed atmosphere and discuss some of the problems you have observed (the ones they complained about mentioned in the top of your post)..discuss some of the solutions or aids (reading Baumrinds, discussing certain situations, and some of the stuff mentioned above. Have a group hug when done.

As far as your wife's complaints starting with the children. Your mother has more parenting experience than your wife and perhaps she sees your wife is not being strict enough and is trying to prevent the problems permissiveness causes. I studied child psychology while pursuing a teaching degree. Baumrind described three parenting styles: permissive, authoritative, and authoritarian. Permission is essentially all love and little discipline, authoritarian is all strictness with little love and the authoritative is a blend of both. Interestingly, the permissive and authoritarian parent results in the same type of child in as far as anger problems, dependency, and essentially bad outcomes, while the combination turned out kids with high self esteem, independence, achievement, etc. Too summarize it was found that children of authoritarian parents tend to lack social competence, have lower self-esteem, are anxious and rarely take initiative in activities". Boys showed high rates of anger and defiance while girls were dependent and lacking exploration.

As far as authoritative the "Children were seen to have higher self-esteem, social and moral maturity, involvement in school learning, self control and be less gender typed" (Berk, 2000)

Different literature has found that children of permissive parents are very immature, have difficulty controlling their impulses, and are reluctant to accept responsibility. They are found to be disobedient, rebellious and show less persistence at tasks in preschool than children of parents who exert more control . "The link between permissive parenting and dependent, non-achieving behaviour was especially strong for boys."

The best parenting style is authoritative..one has rules but listens to the child's input and takes it into consideration, yet retains the final say unlike the too strict parent who believes "it's my way or the highway, you do it because I said so. The middle style apologizes when they are wrong and talks to the child. They explain the reason they have rules etc. See these links for more
http://www.devpsy.org/teaching/parent/baumrind_styles.html

http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&rls=GGIC%2CGGIC%3A2006-39%2CGGIC%3Aen&q=baumrind+parenting&btnG=Search

http://www.psychpage.com/family/library/baumrind.htm


Tell your loved ones you are trying to improve the situation and would like them to hear you out and in the interest of maturity, humanity, peace, and the children you would like them to give consideration to your solutions. Ask them to read of have a study on the best way to parent. (study Baurind's parenting styles and their effects on chidren reared under them)

Have the 2 women agree that it is in the best interest of the children they love to strive to practice the parenting that produces the best outcomes and children for the sake of all involved. Privately determine which styles your mom and wife use. Discuss or note areas of disagreement in discipline/parenting and determine which is the way the authoritative parent would address this. Have both agree to try to change their way to the best way and come up with a pre prescribed way of reacting and handling the children that both will use..have family meetings if serious infractions take pace to try to correct the one doing the error. Hopefully, this will take care of the conflict of harshness if your mom is truly excessive or permissiveness if your wive is doing this..perhaps the mom is harsh and the wife not permissive but a combo of strict and loving or perhaps the mom is doing it right and the wive is too lenient. Observe them and then discuss problems in a kind way.

You need to have a discussion with your mom trying to get her to recall when she was young and married and how she wanted things done her way and not her mom's or mother-in-laws way and how she learned from her mistakes. Tell her she needs to give her daughter-in-law the same freedom and dominance over her household. This is every women right to be the head of their households Ask her to stop being so bossy and holding her tongue for the sake of your marriage, your heart, and the grandkids she loves. Ask her to journal her complaints and anger etc and hide or destroy when done to get off her feelings and feel better without engaging in a fight or conflict and also to discuss them privately with a counselor, friend, or you and not with your wife. Use great caution to not discuss thezse confidences with either woman with the other female unless of extreme importnace that you get involved as it could make things worse. Explain to your wife how hard it is for a mom to get out of the parenting, in charge role and not express her views. Try to get her to imagine when she is older if the situation was reversed. She is used to being very involved in your life as her son and in the life of her grandchildren. Habits are very hard to break. Ask her to be more tolerant and understanding and remember to do unto others and tell her your mom will be trying to hold her tongue more and that we learn from loving those who hurt us and grow spiritually and to try to write a list of all the positive strengths of the other that they like, notice, or admire and then to share it with the other. Do little things like games where questions on paper are passed out and where they write answers to questions such as ..what do I think it a physically attractive feature of my daughter-in-law/mother-in-law, what is a time you did something I appreciated, name three things you wish you were more like them in, remember a fun time I had with the other, when do you feel closest to mom/daughter -in-law etc. Bring some humor in the house too.

As far as the stuff your wife is mad she uses..if it is special food, have mom and wife has a section of untouchables for themselves. Have mom have her own shampoo etc..not sure what is the stuff she is complaining about..find out and come up with solutions together..also encourage some tolerance and understanding in the interest of peace if rules are occassionally broken.

Have your mom tell you some specific incidences where she felt disrespected, hated, or being treated rudely. Talk with you wife firmly but nicely about some examples of times your mom was hurt or angered and try to get her to put herself in the other's shoes. Tell you wife how much you love her, point out how much your children love her (your wife) and point out it is normal for children to love their mother and how we only get one and so many memories binds us in love to our mothers. Tell her some of the wonderful things your mom did for you growing up and that you love her, respect her, and will not allow her to be disrespected or treated rudely and you have asked her to take a few of the particularly upsetting incidences as they occur and share them with you (not petty stuff but big stuff) Point out better ways your wife should have handled them, try to get her to see why she was wrong to do or say that to your mom and ask her to apologize the next day after getting a little distance from the situation. Do the same for your wive where your mom apologizes. Have them do something little and fun to make up (since I was rude and to let you know I am sorry, I am going to brush your hair/give a hand massage, make you some tea, bow lowly saying "I was bad, I was bad, I was bad." or something that reduces the tension or brings back touch, affection, etc.

Finally, as a women who had a mother-in-law from he-l, I would have went nuts if I had to live with that woman so I can see your wife's point of view (pov)
But as a women with grown children who as so devoted to them and made them my whole life, it is hard to be cast aside or give up long habits and that kind of parenting attitude towards one's son--no child will ever realize all a mother does, especially a good mother. You owe her love and respect and gratitude and it seems like you are trying to do this. Your wife doesn't have this perceptive but rather a more competitive one between them.

I believe it is unfair to ask your wife to continue to live with your mom unless perhaps she is ill, but your wife needs to understand it will take time to bring this about. If she knows it isn't permanent and there is a approximate time frame when eventually mom will move (no sooner than 6 months I'd say to get mom used to idea and to make alternative plans for mom

. Mom, on the other hand, must be made to know clearly she is loved, that she will be invited over frequently as a guest, that the kids will be able to go with her places, and she needs to understand that many marriages cannot withstand the strain of daughter and mother-in-law together..that it would break your heart to lose your wife and child and that you will help her find a suitable place and help her when she needs help with repairs and such. Try to get her to see that any mother-in-law presence in the home with the wife...creates a strain...try to minimize feelings in your mom that it was your wife who is responsible for sad and upet feelings that will surely come so relationship doesn't get worse between them. Try to get your mom to do it out of love for you and see it as a sacrifice she is willingly making out of love for you. Thank her for loving her so much as to sacrifice her desires to help you and your kids have more peaceful environment and help lesson the strain on your marriage. Also get your wife to see what a sacrifice your mom is doing for these reasons.

Ask her to tell your wife stories of fun and wonderful times you had so she can relate to your mom as a mother and give her insight into your relationship and love and see her as a person more. Ask your wife to try to put herself in her mom-in-laws shoes and show interest in the stories. Be sure to not make mom regret moving out by keeping promises to her of frequent visits. If you handle it right, the situation may improve..give some hope to them that this frustration is not forever if people are willing to make efforts and compromises and be more understanding and forgiving..

if they are spiritual or religious involve this and prayer..the servant's heart. doing unto others..judged by how we treat people, loving one' enemies, the example we are giving to kids and how values are caught not taught..

I spent a long time on this answer and hope it is of help to you. Good luck!

Answer 2

If She Is Physically Capable Of Living By Herself, She Needs To GO!! If She Can't Respect Your Wife And Kicks You Kids Like Rocks, She Doesn't Belong. I Think She Is Going A Little Over The Top By Staying With You. Most Mothers Want To Check Up On Their Children And Grandchildren To Make Sure Everything Is Perfect And If It's Not She'll Fix It. She Crossed The Line When She Moved In With You, But Now She Is Way Beyond Destroying A Possible Relationship With Her Daughter-In-Law And You.
As For Trying To Decide Who To Believe, DO NOT TAKE SIDES!! This Will Offend Someone, And Either Way It Goes, Someone You Love Will Leave You!

Answer 3

You might not like this answer, but your mother is the one in need. This is your wife's home to run. Your mother may be used to being in control, but she isn't anymore.

I know you love your mother, but you should look into a place she could call her own and still have care. They have some really nice assisted living facilities where the elderly can live alone, with help from professionals who are as close as the push of a button.

You need to cut your wife some slack here. I know it is hard for you, loving your mother and all, but you don't want to ruin your marriage either. Maybe you could have a nice dinner out, just you and your mom, and let her know that she needs to let your wife be the woman of the house.

Answer 4

You were both very young and immature when you met. Now you are beginning to drift different ways. If you said you wanted to stay home and raise kids then that's your right while he works. Stick by what you said. You do the child rearing and homekeeping, he brings in the money, deal. Stand up for yourself and dont be used as a doormat. Say no deal. If things deteriorate, move out and sue for childcare from him.

Answer 5

Yo Stoney! I heard an old country guy say, "You can't put two hens on the same roost." Mother and daughter in law in the same house DON'T work. I know I tried!! Sorry Momma but I have to agree with my wife. It's OUR way or the Senior living joint.
BTW the first time one of my parents said something about how we corrected our children I stood up and said, It was nice of you to stop by, sorry you have to go so soon! My dad asked what was going on and I said...the same thing you said to your mom when I was 10.
I may not always be right but it was my decision.
Mom I love ya, but I'm not sleeping with ya! (
Gee I hope you're not sleepin with your mom) lol
Sit down with your wife. Decide on the rules TOGETHER.
Discuss them with mom. Give her a choice to stay with the rules or go. (now it's her choice not you throwing out yer mom and being a mean son)ALSO let mom know there is NO discussion in the rules it is ...take it or leave it!
God Bless. Sounds like you're in for a rough Christmas

Answer 6

I have somewhat of the same problem. My mom doesn't like my grandma, and thinks she hates her, and from what I know, she doesn't accept my mom very well either. First of all, KICK YOUR MOM OUT!!!!! if she is capable of taking care of herself, then let her!! Second of all, tell your mom and wife that you are concerned about some of the things that are happening between them. Tell them that they need to work it out. Hope this helps! good luck!!!

Answer 7

i agree with your wife...mom needs to go...and you better get your mom out of youre house before you are living with her cause your wife has left you and taken the kids...always side with your wife on this unless you dont want to be married anymore..she is capable of taking care of herself then why does she want to live with you...and even if she wasnt able to care for herself she still should live with you but where there were people to help her

Answer 8

You really need to find another place for your mom. Two women in the same house is not a good idea. There are all kinds of programs for the elderly.

Answer 9

For one, this you and your wife's house, and as much as your Mother will hate it, she will have to follow your rules and respect the rules of parenting you and your wife have chosen. True, she can give advice and suggestions but she needs to make advice and suggestions. My mother -in-law stays with us off and on and she is always telling me what I "should" do or what I "need" to do. I will not be disrespect in my own house, especially over the children I gave birth to. All of you need to sit down and create and share the rules of the house. You Mother was and is YOUR Mother, she IS NOT the Mother of your children, so she definitely needs to learn that role and leave your wife alone.
Like I said, all of you sit down create some boundaries. Let your Mother know that it is fine to give advice and suggestions, because after all she did raise you, but that is where it ends- there will be NO "you should"'s or "you need"'s, the Mother of the children, your wife, has the final say in how her children are to be taught, and even you know that this is right. Clear communication is ALWAYS the key.
Good Luck!

Answer 10

she needs to go if u plan on staying married, it should be u ur wife and kids living in your house. at least until ur mom gets where she is 2 old to take care of herself.ur wife is the head of the house and ur mom still thinks she is.u have a family now , mommy needs to get her own place.

Answer 11

i think you and your wife should have your own house, and your mom should have hers. it's crazy to expect anything but trouble with the setup you have going on. your wife and your mom are not getting along, and probably won't as long as they live together...so they are not happy...and as long as they are not happy, you won't be either.

my advice is cut the apron strings...be a grown up. live with your wife, and take care of your mom and visit her in Her Own Home.