A I wrong for not rearranging my whole life around my boyfriend's son and his problems?

Question

My boyfriend wants his son to move in with us, but there is NO WAY I will allow this. My relationship with boy, 12, is not good.My BF thinks everything would be great if the kid moved in, but I know it would not. My BF has a tendency to ignore problems, thinking that will make them go away.The kid has emotional, learning and behavoiral problems, and is VERY VERY selfish AND lazy.He has gotten physically agressive with me (shoving), his mom (swung at her), and kids at school(fights). Emotionally, and academically, he is at the level of a 7 or 8 year old.He is also very big for his age. The mom is has pretty much given up and lets him do what he wants because he is physically stronger than her and she cannot stop him. He goes to therapy on and off. My BF says I am wrong not to let him move in, and that it is MY fault he has problems because I am stopping him from helping his son. Then he said it might his own fault for living somewhere that his son cannot move into.

Besides all the problems with the kids behavior..(think a 7 or 8 year old in a body the size and strength of a 15 year old) the house is small, one bathroom, small hot water heater, small yard, etc. It would be challenging enough if he was a typical 12 year old which obviously he is not. I have already decided he is NOT moving in….I am just wondering if anyone thinks I am wrong for not letting him move in here. It would change my whole life around. My BF also says the mom abuses the boy…which is it? She abuses him, or she cant control him?? Maybe she is just so exasperated with him that she dosent know what to do anymore. The kid gives off negative energy with his attitude and is NOT pleasant to be around.He comes here 2 weekends a month which I am really starting to dread.He does not listen, he has almost caused damage to the house with his refusal to obey simple instructions from an adult, either my BF or myself.. I own the house.The kid is very unstable, and frankly, I am scared.

My BF gives too many conflicting stories..first there is something wrong with him, then there isnt.I know for a fact the mother drank heavily while pregnant. Then his aunt agrees with me, then she is upset that I wont let him move in.

I suggested in the past that all 3 of us go for counseling..the first out of my BF's mouth was, "That would cost YOU $100 a session because you are not a relative" To those who are calling me selfish please remember I am concerned for my physical safety.

Answer 1

I do not fault you in the least. You are not this boy's mother or father. He's physically bigger than you and has violent tendencies on top of everything. Stick to your guns. I hate to say it, but the more I read of your boyfriend, the more I think he's trying to make you feel guilty to manipulate you into letting the kid move in. What a great guy!!

In my opinion, your boyfriend has an obligation to his son to move out and help him get straightened out. It is NOT your obligation. If he laments that you're 'making him choose' between his son and you, you should tell him that you fully expect him, as a parent, to choose his son. Heck, ENCOURAGE it.
You can most definitely do better.

Answer 2

Two things need to happen. First, the boy should be attending therapy regularily, not on an off-and-on basis. Secondly, his father should be taking parenting classes and learning how to deal with the issues.
Then, and only then, should you consider allowing him to move in. What the boy lacks at this point in his life, is a strong parent-figure. Obviously his mom isn't filling the bill, so that turns it over to his father. But as it stands, neither of them seems to know what to do with the boy, and that's why parenting classes are necessary.
The other possibility is an intervention, which means the boy would live with a foster family who is trained in coping with this type of behavior.
As to the final outcome between you and your boyfriend, it sounds as though he will have to make a choice between you and his son. And having brought a child into the world, you can't just wash your hands and walk away from it. If the boy goes to intervention while the dad learns parenting, then there is some hope for him. But frankly, having seen one relationship go down the tube, moving into a home with his dad and a girlfriernd isn't going to make him want to make any particular effort to please you. He's already experienced an unstable relationship and that really hurts the way he looks at people, at relationships, and at the world at large. Is there any reason why you and your bf aren't married? That at least would be a step toward a stable relationship, and one that the boy could see might include him someday.

Answer 3

The son sounds like my 11 year old . He is ADHD. He is on medication (concerta) and sees a therapist, as well as being in a self-contained classroom. Has the mother or father tried to have him diagnosed by his therapist? Medication can help no matter what the official problem, and so can the counseling. However, the boy can still have episodes if he is prone to violence. I can see where having him in your home would cause a problem with such a small area to work with, my son has caused some huge damage to the places I've lived. However, my son's father has not been in the picture that much. My son tends to listen to him better than me when he is around. So your BF may have a good influence on his son if he is more involved in his life. Try offering some suggestions for them to spend more time together, such as family gatherings, taking him out to the ball park a couple times a week, ect. So he feels like he is having more contact and able to keep a closer eye on what is going on with his son. But make sure you let him know why you are worried about him moving in with you and ask him what type of precautions he could take to keep anything from happening. When you can point out your uncertianties to him, he may be more prone to do things your way. Good-luck.

Answer 4

You have a right to feel the way that you do. But..... your boyfriend has an obligation to his son. Personally, I think you boyfriend and his ex (the kids mother) should concider putting the boy in a residential treatment center. He obviously needs help and if his parents can't control him anymore then that's what they need. You stay strong though. It's hard being a potential step parent, it's even harder, nearly impossable when the kids are bad. Just be careful not to step inside of boundaries. But you need to make sure your BF knows it's you place too!

Answer 5

My solution is that you made the right choice and the reasoning behind it is this. Why should you have to live your life worrying about dangers or your boyfriends son? Maybe the best route for his son is a special home where he can have proper treatment he needs? Then also if your boyfriend tells multiple stories, and is living in your house the best action is to dump your boyfriend and find someone more suiting for you. Its a big world and many people that you can find. Why become dragged into a world that you didnt create but only came upon?

Answer 6

Why should you be forced to change your whole life around for a boyfriend and his kid. You don't want the kid, and it's your house....The boyfriend will just have to get over it and either help his kid in other ways or move on from you. Sorry you're having all this trouble, but the kid needs help. And moving into a house where people don't want him around will only make his problems worse.

Answer 7

I have been in your shoes and this girl I was going to marry and her daughter was so bad and she was a cutter and she wanted to kick my son butt and so many problems and I realized that I couldn't live with her for the rest of my life and so I called it off and I moved out and still paid for my rent for a whole year. anyway you are right to do that but you can tell your boyfriend to be more of a father and spend a whole lot more time with him and if that son of his pushed his mother then he should have went over there and laid into him and start be a man it is easy to bring them into to this world but to be a real father is something that is for life. Tell him to take a role in life and he and his son goes to counseling and find out what the hell is wrong and you tell your boyfriend that he is not coming into the house and and tell him he can get involved with a church and just maybe he will find himself good luck

Answer 8

Wow....talk about an uncontroable situation.....the question is how much do you love your bf? do you plan on marrying him someday? do you wanna be with him the rest of his life? because if not why are you wasting your time anyways? if you do then your just going to have to get along with his son some way possible...I know your saying hes larger and stronger...maybe you could get him involved in football, baseball, or basketball. try doing some physical activities with him. That will get yall to know each other better and then hell feel like someones on his side. Once you get to know him it might not be so bad. Maybe you could talk to him about his mother and his relationship there? What about going with him to therpy ...if you really want to be with this man your going to have to come to some sorta agreement about his son or its all going to go down the drain..you really need to do some soul searching...goodluck to you sweetie...in whatever you decide

Answer 9

Sounds like you need to be packing your bags. Your boyfriend needs to tend to his child, you need to be out of the situation. This boy needs more of his father's time, his bad behavior is proof of this.

If your husband is a real man, he will place his priority with his son, rather then a girlfriend. Also if he is a real man, he would either kick you out, or if it's your place he would leave, and dedicate his life to his son. In short Yes your wrong for driving a wedge between a father and son, then again, i don't blame you personally. Your in a NO win situation. Get out now and find a man with out children whom you can start your life with.

Good Luck

Answer 10

Your boyfriend has a duty and commitment to this child that preceeds anything he has with you. Its his child, and he owes it his life as a father. You expect him to some how put his child second to you and your life.

Ive nannied many a year, and done a lot of work with neglected children. Neglect is a form of abuse, and this is modle behavior of a child who is neglected, not only physically, but emotionally. They cannot develop correctly and end up devising and adopting poor behaviors in an attempt to protect themselves from the harm of being let down by parents who fail them.

What he needs is consistancy, serious parenting, limitations, and people in his life who care about him enough to MAKE him into the young man he should be.

I dont care how big and strong and young minded he is, he is still 12, and still a young child, and he STILL needs a father.

I personally could never turn away a child with a need as big as this. Ive been ingured and hurt by children who were so neglected and abused by situations and people that they knew no other way of building themselves up and feeling safe.

Because of that personal stand, yes, I do see it as selfish that you expect this child, and this man you claim to love to do without the things they need (being a father to a son, and a son who has a father and discipline he needs) so they you dont have to discomfort yourself and you can lead a happy feel good life.

How sad that this boy will be able to look back on his child hood and know that he missed the opportunity to be something better because his dads girlfriend didnt want him there. And how sad that your boyfriend has to miss out on providing the best he can to his own flesh and blood because you dont want him to bother you and your comfort.

I live my life for children. No matter how horrible they are, or how they inccured their many problems. I cant imagine turning one away just because I didnt want to feel uncomfortable.

If you have nothing but hate and resentment and fear towards this child then you obviously have nothing to offer him. Such as love and compassion, two things he needs most of all. And most of all he needs security and patience and consistancy.

Its a shame no one in his life loves him enough to give him those most basic of things.