Grandma's funeral and my insane, innappropriate mother.?

Question

My grandmother died 2 days ago. I was very close to her and she was more of a mother to me. My childhood was full of chaos and my mother is not mentally stable. I am crushed that she died so suddenly.
Today is the first of the calling hours. My mother treated my grandmother badly for most of her life. She also manipulated her and used her. Now my mother is playing the role of grieving daughter and ordering everyone around. She even planned the entire funeral without consulting my granfather. She is looking at this as a chance for her to be in the spotlight. Her behavior is loud and attention-seeking. She also lies about people, twists the facts, creates drama, and is not afraid to throw public tantrums. (she is 57).

I am hurting so badly that Grandma is gone. I don't know how to handle my mother's innapropriate and insincere behavior. It is like salt in the wound.

Answer 1

i have one of those mothers too, unfortunately we can not do anything, i am sorry abut the loss of your grandmother, GOD takes the good and the bad thing is that both of our mothers will be here for a long time, all we can do for them is pray, let your mother take the control that is all she has control over.. and you just pray.. i will pray for you.. everything turns out the way it should be..

Answer 2

First of all, honey, I'm sorry for the loss of your Grandmother. It's obvious that you love her very much. Talk to your grandfather and tell him how you feel about your mother's behavior and the fact that she left him out of the planning. If you make yourself scarce during the proceedings, it will be easier for you not to have to witness you mother's behavior. You don't say how old you are, so I don't know whether or not you have a choice in attending the events. Don't confront your mother. It will only lead to a scene that you can't come out of without things being worse between your mother and you. Most people (the adults anyway) will recognize you mother's erratic behavior for what is is and won't pay any attention to her. Just remember the most important thing and that is that your grandmother loved you and took care of you for as long as she could. If your mother is truly mentally unstable, do you best to understand that she is not in control and don't let her make things worse for you.

Answer 3

Ignore her, there is nothing you can do to change her behavior - sounds like she's been this way her whole life. Your grandmother would know this too and would just ask you to try and let everyone deal with it in their own way. Be there for your grandfather and just let your mother be. The funeral will be over with before you know and it and the grieving process will then just begin, so take care of yourself and your grandfather. Do not let your mother upset you anymore than you are already. If you don't pay attention to her, then it shouldn't bother you as much. I know that easier said than done. Remember, everyone deals with grief in different ways, your mother may be feeling guilty and is trying to make up for her past behavior by taking care of everything, let her...it was her mother. Be there for your grandfather, he will need you the most.

Answer 4

I am very apologetic when it comes to your grandmother dying. I totally understand what you are going through I went through the same thing when my mother died. My grandmother who was crazy and tryed to contol everything down to where the funeral was being held which was in a shoody hole in the wall and so on. As you can see I wasn't pleased and she did this trying to save money thinking that she was gonna get all of it! My family is crazy so I expected it and by her being her mother she had the say so. I was 18 and only knew to follow what the adult around me say and she was my Grandmother she knew what she was doing. The only thing I can say is if you can just forgive and forget. Say your hellos and goodbyes. Yoou have to learn to forgive because you are the one hurtin not them! It's going to take a long time I know it will, But eventually you will grow to forgive her. You know your mother so if thats her ways she is just being herself! Even if it hurts her daughter! I totally feel you and I am sorry and believe me in a few years you will look back and say well you know say screw it she is just crazy laugh out loud and say I forgive her!

Answer 5

I know someone just like your mother.... Loud and attention seeking and it IS a mental problem, no doubt an annoying one. She soes get better at times, and then goes back to bad again. I typically ignore her. Sometimes I give her so much attention that it makes her uncomfortable... I flamboyuantly call attention to her ridiculous bahavior, which embarrasses her.

Do other people notice this behavior? Are other people annoyed?

I would politely and (with all my might) jokingly, tell Mom in front of people, "Mom this we all understand that you are hurting but is not about you", "I know you don't mean to, but you are over doing things and giving the impression that this is all about you", "we are all grieving".

Mom needs counceling and help

Answer 6

I'm sorry about your grandmother. Your mom sounds a lot like a person or two I know...unfortunately, at 57, she's probably too old and stubborn to change this behavior. You didn't mention if you still live with her....if so, move out for the sake of your own sanity. That doesn't mean you have to disown her---but the space will help you buffer yourself from her negative energy. And don't let her "guilt-trip" you.
It sounds like your mom is a hard person to have a "reality check" with due to her self-centeredness and tendency to run from a tough reality. Just don't let her get you running around in circles for her for anything unreasonable. Good luck.
You might want to take up drinking heavily! : )

Answer 7

I am sorry for your loss. I know what its like to lose loved ones, its never easy. I don't have any magic words to tell you. You will grieve, but in time, things will get better. I know it's have to believe, but it will. As for your mother, I don't think there is anything you can do about her. She has her own problems and is dealing with them in her own way. Obviously not in a good way. Is she taking medication? Perhaps you could suggest a doctor visit? I suggest you go find a quiet place and remember your grandmother. Remember the good times, the bad times, all of the things she taught you, all her love and hugs. Do something special for her like write a story or poem about her and keep it nearby. Let your mom do her thing, I don't suppose you can stop her. I know it is difficult. Good luck.

Answer 8

For now let your mother run the show while you privately grieve for your grandmother. Have some time to your self and think. Talk to God... Ask Jesus to guide you...
Then when your mother has had her show, help your grandfather through this tough time.

Answer 9

I am sorry for your lose.
I have a sister that is the same way when my dad was dieing she told ever body she was doing it all she only came by for about 5 minutes a day it was mother, my son, husband and I who done everything. Then when daddy dies she started in bossing us around like she was the only one. But I talked to the pastor and he told me that let her go you know you where the one their for him. So I will say a pray for you and your family. Keep the faith it will work out one day.

Answer 10

dear jen,

right now i think you should be patient.
if you can't stand it, just run into somebody you can trust, and tell them the real story.
there's not much different if you added more drama into this kind of 'mom's-made-drama'.
people eventually will know the truth,sooner or later without you blabbing the 'true story'. if ever spoke openly to ppl abt ur mother and her acts, you will have the public tantrum over you,the 'ungrateful daughter'.

just be patient ok?
i have that kind of situation, but in my case, my grandma acts that way...