my "asian" (god i hate to use this term) gf's father has banned her from marrying me. What to do?

Question

I proposed to her the other day and she accepted and now today her father said she will be kicked out of the family if she marries me. I am very well financially, and it maddens me. I dont konw what to do. She wants to marry me but she also wants to keep her family happy. I feel like blowing up. Any advice?

Answer 1

hey man i'm an asian. the only thing that's holding back my family to accept a foreigner is their liberated culture, just show her family that you can adapt to their culture and be sincere. imitate their ways and they will accept you. just go with the flow of her family. i'm sure it will work.

Answer 2

Oriental families are very family oreiented and yes , her father liek any father feels threatend that he will lose his daughter all dads go through that regardless of culture or ethinticy , although more so in oriental people then most other people! I have oreiental in my family too!!!! you should talk to her father and tell him how much you love his daughter and for the right reasons too!! try to talk to her mom and other family members, but in the end you are both consenting adults and if you have chosen her for your wife then prey about it if you are a religious peron and belive in GOD!!! he will give you peace about the answers you need in this situation!!! and if you two are ment to be married then at the right time you will be!!! if she is not ment for you then ...time will tell and her choices and actions will too!! you see when you get married the two people become one new being its like this ....you leave your mom&dad , she leaves her mom&dad and you forsake everything and put each other first and dont worry about what people think if you love each other it wont matter what people say and think anyway, eventually the will get used ot the idea, the will either accept the fact you love each other or not !!it's there loss if they dont!!! if she is not ready for that kind of commitment then you both need to reevalute the situaiton and where the relationship is going!! and if you both find that she is not ready for that then it will hurt both of but in the long run you will both be better off!!! I hope this helps you both!!! you both got to follow your own hearts and destiny your families will either get with the program or miss out on the best part of life which is "Love!!"

Answer 3

I'm anglo and my bf is Chinese. As others have said it's not just the daughter in Asian culture that the parents are protective of.

Some tips...

1. Be prepared to go ahead with the marriage without their approval, as while you are not married, they might not give up any chance of having control of whom your fiance marries.

2. Be realistic that it might be years before you are accepted. The longer you are married, they will have to realise that you are not going anywhere and eventually will have to give in to the fact. It is not about you, it is about them ie need to control, fear, their thinking, prejudices about other cultures. I have given up the need for their approval because it's not about me being good enough, sure they would rather someone Asian over white but not just any kind of Asian, the girl would need to be Chinese and even then she would only be accepted if picked by his parents. Anyone my bf chose wouldn't be good enough full stop.

3. While some families do disown, a lot of the time it's just a bluff threat, or they don't talk to the children for a few years. I have heard that having children can sometimes warm them up.

4. Take the higher ground. Let them be the only one with the wall. Always be good to them and be respectful, polite and civil in dealing with them, no matter what they do or say against you. Once you give up needing their approval and realise it's about them and no reflection on who you are as a person. It will be less personal.

5. While you can't impress them (in the short term),you might be able to win over some of the relatives and close friends, they will see you aren't as bad as what the parents are making you out to be and might speak good of you to the parents.

6. Take a genuine interest in their culture and learning their etiquette in social situations. I think it's also and important thing to do if you want to have kids, after all it will become part of their heritage.

One day they will learn to accept you, just not anytime soon, so be very patient. Good luck :)

Answer 4

The best thing for this case.. settle all your emotions.. don't just look after momentum... its best that you take things one at a time.. What am I saying is that it should be clear to you what you feel and what you want.. same thing with the girl and the same goes around for the father and the family. Better know why is this happening? What seems to be the problem... try to work directly at the problem and never take anything that would make a kick around the bush or something!

Smile!
Pray!

God is good everything that is will be!

Answer 5

Wow. (To tell you the truth, I'm asian too.)

There's not much to do there. I don't know if you can just get married without his blessing (like some movie I watched, "Selena' or something) or at least TRY to convince him that you're a good person, well worth marrying his daughter.

My mom and dad are focused on me getting a nice asian guy for me, smart and stuff. But do I want that in the future? No.

Her dad probably has another person in mind. Just try to convince him.

Answer 6

My wife is also from a differnet culture. Although I am widely accepted by her family now, it was not easy. It was a long hard fight and we won. If she will choose her family over you, she is not being true to herself. It will bring you both misery. You both must make the hard decisions. The woman/man you are in love with should always take preference. After all, what makes parents happy doesn't always make the kids happy. I hope her father can get over his prejudice.

Answer 7

Men! Leave him alone for a while. Asian families are quite dramatic about these episodes and this is mainly because they are quite irrational about losing their children.

The first thing to do is feel out an "ally" like perhaps the mother or an aunt. Through these intercessors, let him know that the ties to his daughter will not change drastically . If you were a Caucasian, most asian families have a preconceived notion that you will dissalow your wife to be close to her birth family and therefore his fear is the loss of his child.

The man is acting out of fear, and his threat to his daughter is the threat he feels for himself.

Find out how an asian man would connect to the girls family and probably make attempts to copy some of this.

Answer 8

1st of all, fathers are protective of their daughters.
before you had proposed to her, you should have asked for his permission 1st. its respect in our culture.
if you really love her, maybe you should try to bond with her family. like making sure that you'll join them for important reunion dinners, show some concern for her family, run errands for the family...you know, they still want a connection even after her marriage.
his reaction is probably due to the fact that he has not even seen you, or you had not shown any closeness towards her family @ all. and you, being a westerner is a factor too.
learn a thing or two about her culture, & try to blend into her family. it'll take a while.
fillial piety is very important in asian culture. you, as a future son-in-law needs to prove it too.

Answer 9

Talk to her father and tell him why you wish to marry her, also tell him more about you financially and your family history.
I had to do this when I married my wife who is Chinese.

If he still wont give in some how let him know since he will not approve your engagement then you both plan on living together or that she is expecting.

Answer 10

How long have you known her father? He may be one of those fathers that has to warm up to the idea before they accept it. Maybe talk to your gf about it, sometimes these things happen and all you can do is accept it. See if she wants to be with you whether you have their blessings or not and go from there.