Discipline issues? parents please or if you are not a parent please ask a parent.?

Question

I have a 5YO son. My boyfriend's son. So i have unofficial adopted him and i have no children of my own. But i do have a 5YO nephew. Whom I have particularly help my sister raise. But anyhow. My son's mother is not completely in his life. She only calls when she wants to pick him up. Which is only for a day and a half. My problem is that his teachers are almost labeling him as having some attention issues. But i don't see this as the case. I see it as as not enough of the proper attention. He has some argue issues where he has punched or hit some students in his class. I have taken all his toys out his room. NO TV. He has stood in the corner on several occassions. Even spanked him. But it is not absorbing. And he definitely understands. Because I asked him to stop doing a particular thing 3 times and he understood that he should have stopped but continued. Help please

Answer 1

Whoaaa, lot of punishing going on there! Back off and try some rewards instead.

You have a long list of things he can no longer do. What CAN he do? That's going to have more of an effect on his behavior than what you take away. And for everything you take away, you open up another time slot for misbehavior.

One thing to keep in mind is this. He will be an adult someday. What will he remember about you?

Answer 2

He is not testing the limits, he is just not caring anymore. Does anyone realize what she said! The MOTHER does not like being around him that much, this does have an emotional and psychological impact on a child! The child see's it like this, if the person who gave birth to him does not or will not love him the way he needs THEN NO ONE WILL!! The hitting is because he gets hit (spanked), this was taught as an acceptable means to an end when one is angry. The only thing spankings accomplish is teaching a child violence solves everything!

I know how hard this must be on you. Honestly, so far, you have just been adding to his pain. The boy needs some counseling (His bilogogical mother needs a reality check as well, she is putting more fuel on the fire than anyone else.) He is frustrated and does not know why his mother acts the way she does. We all know what frustration can make us feel and do, it is ten times worse with a child because children are impulsive and cannot control themselves as well as adults would be able to.
Positive reinforcement works wonders, but only after he gets some answers about his Mom. People just cannot tell a child "this is just how it is" and expect them to get it. Children NEED real, valid reasons. So take things away when he is misbehaving, do not let anything slide. Be consistent, and loving at the same time.

So here it is:
1. Get the boy some counseling.
2. Reward good behavior, and tell him you love him ALL THE TIME!
3. Disciplice all behavior that is unacceptable in a loving, but stern manner, give valid reasons why something should or should not be done (Saying "because I said so" is NOT valid.)
4. Give lots of kisses, hugs, and praise.
5. Reward him when he completes a request, like stickers on a calender, and then give him a dime or quarter for every sticker he gets, or something.
6. Make sure there is "special time" for you and him, do what HE wants to do, within reason of course. Like do you want to go to the park or the library, or something like this.
7. and most important, tell him that his mother behavior is NOT HIS FAULT! Do not criticize her in front of him but do not make excuses for her either, a simple "I do not know why, that is something she must answer, I just know it is not your fault" will suffice.

Do not expect a miracle over night, this may take a month or so, but hang in there and have a lot of patience.

Answer 3

I think you are doing all the right things. It sounds like you have rules and expectations and are being consistent with punishment. I am glad to see you are spanking--I think that is one of the most important--and not just as a last resort.

There are probably some problems with the mother not being in his life. Continue to provide a supportive environment and continue to have structure along with discipline and CONSISTENT consequences and punishment--you might want to increase the spankings (and make it a real spanking--not those half-hearted dull thuds--I spank bare bottom and at five he is old enough for a paddle or wooden spoon)

Make it so you only have to ask ONE time. You don't ask again--to late--it is SWAT or whatever.

If after a while there are still problems maybe you should look into counseling or something. But try this first. I think it will most likely work. And give the little guy plenty of love--as I suspect the no-Mommy issue is at play somewhere there.

note: just a second thought. You might want to let off on some of those other punishments. I think all the prolonged stuff (standing in corner, taking away toys) is not nearly as effective as a swat. Knowing there is a paddle around really improves a lot kids' memories and if they see it in your hand they become genuises:)

Answer 4

First of all - if the boy is having aggression issues at school stop spanking him. Kids really do carry that on as their own way of punishing those around them.
Believe me, I know that it can be hard to stop once you start.

Positive reinforcement is going to be the key. Also, a schedule. Kids thrive in situations where they know what is going to happen next. If your expectations of him are intermittent (here and there and not always enforced) he will become relaxed in his response to these things.

Give back the toys in his room. Allow for some TV time. He is only 5, not 10, so these things are still a part of his daily routine (at least with the toys). He's also an only child and needs an appropriate outlet for play.

Start with something you know he likes to do - and make that a 'chore'. For my daughter it is cleaning the bathroom sink. This is something she used to get into trouble doing - water all over the floor and sometimes a little toothpaste mixed in. :-)
Now, I have taught her 'how' to clean the sink so it looks pretty. No chemicals needed - just a washcloth and some water. She has taken this job on as her own.
My son likes to clear the table after we eat. He's only 3 so I have to make sure he only takes one or two things at a time. Yes, it makes everything take longer. At the same time, he feels a sense of accomplishment.

I guess what it comes down to is to learn what he is good at - and recongnize that he's good at it. When my daughter and son are playing she will start to tell him 'no, not that way/this isn't how you do it/you're doing it wrong' and my rule is to tell him how he can do it right - without talking down to him. That used to involve me doing it first but now (over a year later) she knows what I mean and it goes over much better - for the both of them.
The thing is - she is only 5 and I know I will have to remind her. Kids learn what they are shown more than what they hear. And I have found that kids at this age love to feel like they're helping. This will make your son (yes, I do understand he has a mother somewhere else) more comfortable and self-confident.

Answer 5

You said you adopted him unofficially, then show him love. He's 5yo and confuse of what has gotten into his family as well; he lack somebody caring and loving and hugging him; does anyone of you tucked him to bed at night?, ask him how was he doing in school?, all you heard are complaints about him. What about his complains towards the people involved. He might be a 5yo but at least he can tell you how his feeling is. Start from there. You might yourself observed him to be such but you need to listen to him too. The boy needs to be heard. Give him a chance and understand his situation. He's a 5yo. It seems that you've been seeing all his faults without giving him the benefit of doubts. And mostly, give him love and care.

Answer 6

moca, you might have him checked out as to see weither or not he has ADD (this is as far as his attention) if so place him on medication...There are two types of medication that I do not believe work which I have both been on 1st is Lithium which is used for manic deppressive it will cause his blood pressure to go crazylike b/c it is a salt based medication. The second being Ritilan, since he is 5yo it may be a disapline issue. If you have full responsiblity over this child as far as spanking then rest assured I would spank him for everytime he dissobeyed spanking him in private I mean. As far as him hitting children my personal opinion would be to leave work to go to the school when you hear that he hit a child and spank him...not beat hi mind you spank him. All parents see a lot of things with teachers that can be improved some people see the teachers all at fault but when you deal with 30 or more children in one day everyday you begin to either falter or toughen up ( go teachers!). As far as his attitude goes it does start at home, so when he missbehaves he knows that mom and or dad will be their to dole out the harshness when he gets home. If he "understands" that he should not be doing a particular thing 3 ! times then apparently he does not know what "Understanding" means. Understanding means to completly know what is wrong and what is right. My feelings are that YOU as a parent should sit down with him and set ground rules. make him UNDERSTAND that when he bites or hits a child you or dad will spank him when he gets home not to meantion no friends or tv or whatever all at once. Lastly(for all parents) when you spank a child spank him/her like you mean it.

Answer 7

I believe hes doing it for two reason...1. He feels its the only way to get attention 2. He trying to test you.

1. He doesnt have a mother involved in his life. He is at the age where he needs some extra love, attention and stability. He needs a person who will tell him that they will love him no matter what but they'd like him to start listening to the adults and minding. He just needs some kind words. Try to start spending more time with him doing things he wants to do and telling him over and over again how much you love him...plus give extra hugs and kisses everyday!

2. He is testing you. Little boys tend to test their limits to see what you willl let them get by with. I would not take his toys and TV away, but I would definately take away other privileges. He has to have something to play with or do because he will get bored and get into more trouble. Try telling him if hes acts bad or gets into trouble he will have to go to bed an hour earlier or he'll have to stay at home for a week and will be grounded.

As far as I can tell though, I really do think hes acting out for attention and love. If he doesnt get better soon though, I would get him checked for ADD and ADHD (they have meds that will help him) and if he doesnt have either one of those I would bring in to see a child pyscologist. Good luck!

Answer 8

He's a five year old - he's testing his limits

I would still keep taking away privileges, but I would not spank him anymore - if the mother were to find out she could get custody or even send you to jail - I WOULD definitely have the father spank him every time he did something wrong - pretty soon he'll quit doing the wrong because he doesn't want the spankings that go with it - some children are just hard headed and need a little more time learning that that if they do bad - they get bad -

Be consistent - you said you asked him to do something three times - Ask him once, give him two minutes, if its not done (or at least started) he gets popped on the hand all distractions taken away and then he has to do what ever the task was and have time out for ten minutes afterwards. Stay on him he will learn eventually

Answer 9

He is 5. You don't take away his stuff - really it is his right???? And if you keep spanking him he will keep hitting other kids.

What you need is a tool. This is not a gift or a present and he is old enough to understand.

For some 5 year olds school really sucks. My daughter was labelled as a problem child and they tried to put her in a behavioral class. Why? She hated sitting down for circle time! She grew out of it but in the meantime here is what I suggest:

1 - bond with the teacher. She wants a good boy in a good class right? Ask her advice even if you don't want it. Don't argue. Then give her your email and get hers to "monitor" his progress. In person contact can get too emotional

2 - Sit down with him. Tell him how upset you are. Tell him spanking is wrong and you are sorry. Kids smell fear AND honesty. Be honest. Tell him you like him. See if anything is wrong - maybe a 6 year old boy is stealing his shoes or something and he gets mad and takes it out on other kids he think he can get away with it with

3 - Here is the tool. It will be something cool, portable that you can take away. I totally recommend a gameboy. This really works. Tell him that you want to be proud of him, and every day when he doesn't get in trouble, you will let him play it for an hour. Carry it with you. When you have "first contact" after school, make sure you have gotten some sort of feedback from the teacher. If it was a good day [not perfect he is 5 right??] tell him he's awesome and hand it over right there and then. If he had a bad day, he writes an apology letter to every person he wronged.

A 5 year old needs immediate praise or punishment, and this is the closest you can get. Make sure you get his eyes checked, his medical is up to date, and all the good parent stuff you could do to make sure everything you can control is under control.

You said you asked him to stop and he didn't. Well he's 5 and usually 5 is worse then a 2 year old!! Ease up on the little things, concentrate on school for now to make sure he is not labelled [because labels stick]. He is obviously SO upset about his mom too. And rightfully so. You're now in the position to swoop in and do what you can to make sure his heart is not broken. You have every right to be his friend, especially in this case. Use the tool fairly and consistantly, be good to him, and think about what you are saying before you say it. My 9 year old remembers things I told her when she was 3. Do NOT take away his stuff. This tool is independent, like a third party mediator here.

Don't take away tv, sports etc either, but on a bad day make him write the apology letters FIRST. Also make sure he is in at least one team sport so he learns fairness early.

If the teacher will not cooperate, you're not out of luck - "problem" kids often see the principal right? .....

Answer 10

I'm sure a lot of his problems are due to his being upset over what's going on with his parents, etc. Even though you're unofficially adopting him, he still is upset about things not being right with his parents, and is acting out. I'd try more rewards for good behavior and more encouragement and attention for good things. I know it's hard for you, and there's really no way you can make his biological mother pay him more attention, but you need to do what you can to NOT encourage any problem behavior, and to encourage any good behavior you see. Maybe get him to help you out with things at home--kids that age like to be helpful and it would make him feel needed and important (as he is, but he may not be seeing himself as important since his mom doesn't seem to be that interested in him...). Ask his opinion about things, talk to him often about what's going on at school and really pay attention. It's hard to make up for a lack of good parenting on someone else's part, but giving him lots of positive attention should help.

Answer 11

I'm no Dr. Phil but your boy friend's son has problems that need to be addressed ASAP. You have recognized this. A) He is not your son. B) Where is the father's, your boyfriend, role in the raising of this boy? Your "son" is getting confusing messages. He is angry. He understands very well. His behavior is a need for attention. This is not a disorder. I am glad that you recognize this. I can suggest a positive reward for good behavior. Spanking is not positive and can only result in resentment. You as a role model must exert a positive forceful message to this boy. You are not "technically" his mother but you can raise him as a good person by your example. I wish you all the luck. Lord knows we need more people like you.