DAD'S only what do you think?

Question

my 18 year old son is possibly planing to have a baby with his 18 year old girl friend, or at the very least is having unprotected sex with her. he also is working out some minor ligal issues. he has stated that he is an adult and can do as he pleases and that we are getting into his bisness and that we should stop trying to tell him what to do. he has a good job but is close to losing it, he gets rides to and from work and at times rides from his girl frinds house to home by mom and dad. he has hurt his mothers feeling many times over his girl friend and she still tries to help him. i am sick of him hurting her and seeing her cry because of him. I have just givin he 3 months to plan and save so he could move out and be the adult he keeps claimeing he is. we both love him very much but as a father I know this is what should be done theres more to the story but not enough space here... what would you other fathers have done? am I being to tough in him?

Answer 1

I'm not a father. However, I'm adding my two cents because my husband and I both had these issues with our fathers. Here's our stories. I'm sorry if this isn't what you were looking for but I'm giving it a shot.

My husband (18 and boyfriend at the time) was into drugs, disobeying his parents, and just being a brat. I didn't even approve of his behavior. Finally, his father let him go. He just stopped caring or at least acted as such. I think my husband finally realized that it was up to him to make his life successful. He moved out. The minute he moved away, he was determined to "prove him wrong" by excelling at everything he did.

I was 16 at the time when I moved out. Long story short--I graduated early. I was raising all kinds of hell in my home. Starting fights with the whole family and just making life unpleasant for everyone in my house. I was not happy. My parents did the same thing: they let me go. I moved to New Mexico (from Ohio) to live with my boyfriend--husband now. I too was determined to "prove them wrong." At the time I was hurt that they would just let me leave with no thought about it. Then I realized they were doing what was right. It was meant to be for me to move out and learn things on my own.

With your son, I truly sympathize with your whole family. Being the home-wrecker myself at one point I know how you all must feel. As a father (and role model) I would set up a plan with him and lay down the laws of the house. Tell him that the next time he encounters the law be it his fault or not that he will be expected to leave your home.

Make him start paying rent and utilities now. If he's such an "adult" then he should be able to pay, right? Use that money to save up for him--of course don't let him know what you are doing. I'd say $300 monthly to cover room/board/utilities is fair. This is not realistic in the "real world" but I think it's a start. When he's ready to move out YOU decide what he should do with that money--he might need help with the electric/gas/rent deposit. This way it's more money coming out of his pocket and teaches him about savings.

If he cannot comply, give him a date to when he HAS to move out. Don’t second guess it. Eventually, I’m sure he’ll come home ready to play by the rules.

You need to set your foot down. You need to step up for your wife and son. I can just tell her heart is breaking. Make this you and your son’s issue--NOT hers. It’s probably so stressful the direction he’s going that dealing with all of this too would just be too hard.

Anyway--I added a little of my own opinion but I hope this helps. I know how hard it is, like I said, I feel for you! Best of Luck!

Answer 2

Which of the two issues bothers you most the unprotected sex or the possibility of fatherhood. I can see that the first may lead to the second but to help your son I think you should concentrate only on one issue at a time first.
Your son may be considered an adult by law but it he may not have made it yet emotionally. Let's concentrate on the responsibilities of Fatherhood as being the real issue...
I have two teenage sons, both are strong, fundamentaly good people and trying to allow them independence and growth whilst guiding them in a direction that will mean they wont get hurt or hurt others is difficult. I agree a moment to sit mine down and ask them to detail the considerations and possible outcomes of their decisions. That's what responsible adults do. The adult act is easy but how they will deal with the aftermath? 18 is very young to be a father. Without complete commitment and emotional strength in the early years he will have to give up much more than he gains if he is going to be a good father. Does his girlfriend realise this goes for motherhood too, perhaps more so? Where will limited funds be spent?Clubs or nappies? Holidays or food or rent/mortgage? Will he and his girlfriend stay together long enough to raise a child properly? I could go on and on but you are a parent and it's not so long since you had to make decisions like these - tell your son how hard these decisions were for you and his mother.
I may be completely wrong but reading between the lines it appears that any discussions on this topic so far have been highly charged, wandering and poorly conducted. If so you need to redefine and help your son really consider what his stand and consequent action could lead to. Have him understand that responsible adults consider all possible outcomes of their actions and will know how they will deal with them, not just demand the right to act. Don't tell him what will go wrong; ask him what he thinks and if you believe he has thought it all through properly then perhaps you and your wife will feel more comfortable with, and be able to support him in, his choice.
You may have already considered and acted on all I've put here but as a father with similar problems, worked out successfully so far, I hope I've helped. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I am not a father; however, I applaud you! Way to go DAD! Yes you did the right thing, he keeps saying he is grown that he is an adult, then he needs to prove that. I know you love him, as they say those who make you laugh will also make you cry. I can relate to the Mother as well. I know how hard it must be, but if I may direct this to her, please stand firm with the decision your husband has made, I know how much your heart will be ripped out, but stand firm, it will be best in long run. He will either suck it up and become a man, or know he is not ready and come back and apologize. Dad they do call this tough love for a reason, and I believe it more tough on you and your wife than it will be him. A person can only take so much, and you showed him line, stick to it, you are both doing a perfect job!

Answer 4

Congrats Ben!! How a ways alongside is she? (: I used to be going to mention Father and Son, dammit. BQ: Breathe within the Air - Pink Floyd BQ2: I'm gonna see if I can conclude this portray for him through Sunday. My loved ones is not that enormous on Father's Day, even though. Edit: Haha, that is intriguing. You'll make a best dad, I'm certain :D

Answer 5

hey i think your wife posted this as well a little while ago didnt she?

anyway i personaly dont think its a good idea.

its a big wide world out their, he may be a legal an adult but he is only 18, he hasnt got a clue, or in my mind the maturity to cope on his own.

and having a baby is hard, he needs you their to be supportive, all your doing is pushing him away - this will only damage your relationship with your son, and it wont stop him, by not being around he will just go do it.

anyway thats what i think - yes he is to young for a baby, but he is to young to be kicked out, remeber less then a year ago he was still a child. and i think this will cause more harm then good for everyone invovled. what if something happened and he got hurt? how bad would you feel?

i dont have the ansewer though, i simply dont know what to do but all i will say is if you are going to kick him out, let him know that he can come home if it gets to tuff for him out their, as long as he knows that he will be ok.

Answer 6

I agree with your actions.

It seems that at this point in his life he needs to take his own bumps and bruises to realize he is not mentally an adult. By him being at home he is causing a strain to your relationship with your wife, but also with him. Sometimes relationships are better at a distance.

Let him figure it out on his own, BUT never tell him "I told you so." He'll realize he messed-up and doesn't need salt rubbed in his wounds. Keep in touch with him and call him once in a while to let him know you do care.

From father-to-father... you did a good thing, but it must have broken your heart.

Former High School Counselor.

Answer 7

You are not being too tough on him. It is a tough world out their and a baby is a huge responsibility. The harder you are on him the better able to cope with the real world he shoudl be.

Answer 8

The trouble with kids is they think they know it all, and as the saying goes many have their brains in their pants. Maybe remind him that though he is a big boy now that parents are always subject to their choices, so it is the parents' business. Whether the relationship is solid or if it ends up in divorce, the parents are still the parents and in cases of divorce guess who ends up bailing the kids out? I tease my kid about his relationship sometimes, and I hope he gets the hint. The relationship with the kids are always important. Perhaps if he thinks he can do what he pleases, ask him if he thinks it's OK for you to do as you please, such as a divorce or extramarital affair?

Answer 9

great job dad ! so he is grown man and wants hiw own family is he ? 3 months plenty of time (you say good job right) to save some money and start this grown up life of his ! Just tell him you cant raise his family for him time to go ! good job again i think you are doing the right thing

Answer 10

HE IS NUTS, a baby at 18, I had a hard time when I had my kid at 24!!!
Your son needs to have his *** kicked by you!
Oh yeah, if he does get his gf pregnant dont LET him or her get an abortion, ok!
Kill a baby, be a nasty bf and hurt his mother...good job!