How does one cope?

Question

Maybe it's just me, or maybe I have trouble saying no when I am "volunteered" for things. I feel so overwhelmed sometimes, to the point I want to run and just cry. Everyone tells me that it will make me a stronger person... To simply state reasons I feel so overhelmed, I am a full time mom of two boys (7 and 5), a full time wife, I work full time, I am in college full time, I am a cub scout leader, and active in a couple committees at work. With it being the holidays, it just weighs on me. The 17th of Dec. will be one year since I lost my step-dad, whom I considered to be a daddy to me since I was 5. His daughter shut me out right before he passed because she hates my mother. He and my mom divorced when I was 14, but he still remained a daddy to me and later a grandfather to my children. Is it just a normal thing that the holidays bring people down? I am just so exhausted, I could really use some tips on how to cope with all this.. Any suggestion is greatly appreciated. Thank you

Answer 1

Hello-
Stop. Sit down. Relax. Breath.
You don’t need to learn to cope with your life. You need a maid, a chauffer, a chef, and a masseuse!

The real question here isn’t what can you do to cope. It is when are you going to have enough? Life isn’t about how much can you accomplish all by yourself with out complaining. Men are that they may have joy. Women are too!

You mentioned first, motherhood. Clearly your boys are important to you. That’s excellent.

Second you work full time. In our economical society most women have to work full time to support their families, I do myself! Its all good.

Third, full time student. Equally important in improving YOUR life and earning potential, so that you can support your boys financially plus give them the confidence to go on to college themselves.

Add in friends, family and committees and it is no wonder you want to run away! Heck, I want to run away and I am not even you!

You are allowed to slow down, smell the roses, sneeze, and say no. There is no reward for knocking yourself out being super mom, den mother, committee chairperson, and stepping stone. The true rewards come when we look around and see that we are living our own lives. You can live your life.

Mary Byers has an excellent book called: How to Say No...and Live to Tell About It: A Woman's Guide to Guilt-Free Decisions. Just a recommendation. J Live happily guilt free. You are a woman. A great woman. Revel in it. Don’t break it.

On another note, since the death of your stepfather still weighs on you, perhaps it is time to try and deal with that. Counseling is one option. Religion is another. Sometimes we just have to cry and rant and rave and let it out. You can do all of those. Find what it takes to heal YOUR heart. My condolences.

Answer 2

I understand how you feel. I am always doing for others and always fallubg short. Tranquility is the key. Once you find you some tranquil time, try burning a scented aromatherpy candle to relax and clear your thoughts. Once you can settle down and think, you will start to analyze your situations. During this process you will have the opportunity to think about how you can free yourself from so may extra responsibilities. Yes what you are going through will make you stronger, but guess what strong people run and cry too. Cry girl, maybe it can be some relief from all you have balled up inside of you. Your kids are at the age where they are finding out more about themselves but can have you in some hair pulling situations. See if you can find a day to get away if not for yourself but with a few friends, preferrably wives/mommies and have a ladies drink and vent. You will see that you are not the only one with problems this season and you will appreciate the busy schedule you have is actually keeping you sane. So what you need are three things
Cry, tranquility and then day out away from your stresses.

Answer 3

First calm down. I know loosing a parent, even if it was step. They are just as much a parent, is terrible. And that one year mark, is a real tough milestone. I think the best thing would be to talk to your husband. Let him know how you are feeling. Take a day off of work just to be to with your kids and husband, doing absolutely nothing. I know college can be terrible. Really with finals coming up in the next week. I am stressing about them myself. The best thing to do is to just take a little break, to calm down, collect yourself and get your stuff straightened out. Everyone can't be perfect all the time. Hopefully this can help. You sound like a real sweet person. I hope you get some relief somehow.

Answer 4

You are doing way too much for any person to do without overstressing. If you try to do too much, you risk not doing anything really well and you risk not enjoying any of it, and you risk dropping dead of a coronary from stress and lack of sleep.

Ask God to "prune your life" of the unimportant stuff; then you can flourish where you are planted. It is enough to be a mother, wife, cub scout leader. You should either go to college or work, not both. In a sense, you have a job already in being a wife and mother of two young boys. You need to put the boys more at the forefront because they will be the next generation and boys need a mom who is available to raise them.

It sounds like you are really into your career, since you are on committees and even going to college (purportedly to advance your career).

It seems like all this is coming to a crossroads and you have to choose what your goals are. Do you want to be a business success and possibly end up distancing yourself from your boys so they grow up and move on without you thinking of you as a corporate hard-***?

Or do you want to leave a legacy of solid relationships with your boys who grow up to be men who love their mom and keep her in their lives and the lives of their children?

At the very least, you need to consider cutting out the extracurricular stuff, like the cub scouts and committees at work. At least then it will be more streamlined with just family, work and college, which is STILL TOO MUCH, especially if you fall apart and have a breakdown or health problems. Sometimes health problems crop up in times like this to tell you that you are doing too much. In that sense, the health problems make your decisions for you, but you don't want that to happen.

Answer 5

There seems to be a lot of good advice .... but having a real person i think will help you alot.... I see your a full time student ... perhaps you could check with a counsler at you school .... they may be able to hook you up with a talk group and perhaps alittle mothers day out child care so you can get alittle time for your self. In general the holidays are a time for reflection of the passed and future .... they can evoke strong memories and feelings ...... Above all be there for your kids.. try to make each season a special one for them ... help make them some great memories of thier own..... That may help take your mind off being a over worked under paid mom......
Good Luck .... Best Wishes

Answer 6

FAMILY MEETING!

You need to dial back the responsibilities. Tell your family you aren't going to assume any further roles until further notice. As for work, are these committees core responsibilities? If not, then dial back there too. Nobody can do this but you. Get "NO" into your vocabulary... fast. Most importantly, learn to say no to that voice in your head that talked you into trying school, Mom, and full time work at the same time. Discipline means only promising (yourself) what you can deliver.

Sorry about your dad. You sound burnt out. Fatigue makes the holidays weigh heavily, we seem to get on this treadmill where our expectations creep out of our capabilities. The holidays are about peace, not perfection.

Answer 7

I read an article the other day about SAD, a form of depression that affects many people this time of year, I would research it. It offered several things, mainly light therapy that can help. Good luck and sorry for your loss. Seems like you have a lot on your plate and are already a pretty strong person, tell yourself it is okay to decline anymore responsibilities!!

Answer 8

Yes, Christmas is a very depressing time of the year. I buried my Mother ( 1989 ) a week before Christmas. But there are statistics that support this. They say that the suicide rate climbs, and older folks just die because their Hearts can't stand the strain of the excitement. You might try blocking out some time for yourself. Do nothing or whatever but be sure it's your time to do whatever or nothing at all. Be strong it only comes once a year.

Answer 9

you have to know when to say "no" or else all this stress your feeling is gonna start affecting your health. then nobody else will be able to volunteer you for anything. stress can be a killer, dont let it take you down or let others take you down. when people volunteer you for something,simply decline and explain that you have enough on your plate even if the holidays are here or not. your a really involved mother and your doing a damn good job and it shows thats why they are taking advantage of you like this. learn to say no before you not have the chance to do it.

Answer 10

What you are going through is very normal. This time of year is very hard on those who have lost loved ones especially recently. It is particuarly hard those first 2 years of holidays and birthdays after someone has died. I know it it gets old hearing it but it will truly will get better in time. Depression is also common this time of year and if you feel that you might be suffering from it be sure to speak to your doctor about it.

It sounds to me like you have spread yourself very thin with everything in your life. You need to learn to say no. If they keep begging you to be on their commitee or what ever tell them "No thanks. I am pretty busy already and I dont want to take any more time away from my children". Who could argue with that?

Shelle