how do i tell my son?

Question

my 10 year old son's father recently died this year. he was a real peice of work. only saw him maybe twice a year. he never paid child support and i didn't have $ to get a lawyer and the state wouldn't do anything because they never had his new address or place of work. though he always had money to buy a motorcycle. we broke up when i was 7 mos pregnant and 16, he was like this from the begining, stupid me!. at his funeral his friends and sister all talked about how good of a friend he was who would do anything for them. even his 10 year old nephew got up and talked about how good of an uncle he was. i wanted to spit i was so disgusted! but i didn't say anything becasue me and my son have a good relationship with his grandparents and they were devestated enough. how do i tell my son how his father realy was? he doesn't act too broken up about him dying but someday he will ask why didn't he come see me or why was everyody else more important to him? i don't want him thinking it was him

Answer 1

"I'm sorry we all weren't closer, but I guess I picked a guy who wasn't such a great father. But I did end up with a great kid- you."
Why in the world would you want to burden him with the details about the jerk you picked?? Don't even go there.

Answer 2

Honestly if I were you I wouldn't tell him atleast not now. He is so young and if you bring it up you may cause more hurt and damage by talking about how horrible his father was, wait til he ask then tell him his father wasn't the man you thought he was and that unfortunately there are alot of men out there who don't do the right thing.

I have a three year old whos father is a total dead beat he calls once every two months or so, never pays child support, makes empty promises to her and won't even help when my lights are about to be cut off. I make a point of never telling her how I feel about him, I know one day she'll realize on her own and have more respect for me. If I were to put him down she'll probably blame me and think it was my fault he wasn't there. If I were you I'd just wait til he does ask and then find a nice way of telling him the truth. Eventually he'll know the truth and know it wasn't his fault and instead of being angry and blaming you he'll place the blame where it lies with his father.

Answer 3

Please dont talk bad about your sons' father regardless how he treated you or or your son while he was still alive...It doesnt matter now, his Dad is gone...his memories will be what he remembers and the questions he may want the answers to as he grows older will always be unanswered in his mind. He'll mature to realize that maybe there are no answers. Every child at some point and time feel they are/were the reason that their parents are no longer together. Leave it alone and be concerned with being a good Mom and not an evil doer to the memory of his father. As for you, maybe what goes around comes around, eh? He's gone and you still have your life and relationship with your wonderful son!! God works in mysterious ways. Smile, you are Blessed!

Answer 4

Try not to speak poorly of the dead and instead of upsetting your son just inform him that at times his dad was not the most responsible individual on the planet. Let him know that you were young and foolish when he was conceived but that you have not ever thought of him as a mistake but have always looked at his birth as a blessing. All young boys want to hear good stories of their dad's regardless of how much of an asshole they may have been in real life, people can and will stretch the truth a bit in order to comfort the child's feelings. Being in contact with his grandparents is great too as you can always say that they may be better to get a lot of the info off. You said that you continue to have a good relationship with them and that is great as they will not bad mouth you either then. This was their son that they lost and he probably caused them lots of grieve also, but this will all be forgotten and forgiven by them, and they will relate happy stories to your son.

Answer 5

I have an ex that is a real piece of work also. We have a daughter together she is 17 years old now, but he hasn't seen her for 15 years and never calls her or anything. He did not want to pay child support either, but he has too.I never have talked bad about my ex to my daughter. When she asks a question about him or what happened in our relationship,then i tell her the truth,I will not sugar coat anything. I honestly think the best thing to do is wait until your son asks you a question and then answer as truthful as possible. My daughter didn't start asking questions until she was about 14. Good luck.

Answer 6

Yes, the best liars are often at funerals...however you did the best thing for your son at the time, which was to remain quiet. Someday he may ask you about him, and then you can just tell him that his father was a very sick man who had alot of problems with life. It's hard as a parent to not place our own angers onto our kids. You can also add that your son didn't miss a thing by not meeting his dad...but his dad missed out on meeting a great kid like him.

Answer 7

The only reason you would tell your son how he really was is from your spite and your selfishness. It has nothing to do with your son. The father was not part of your sons life, let it be like that. There's no reason to pull poor johnny into a room and for no reason go on for thirty minutes about how his dead father who was never there for him was a piece of ****. It would solve nothing. It would do nothing

Your son obviously does not care, if he wasn't moved by his father's death. So let it alone. Focus on tomorrow and realise that you need to do something to show him what a father figure should be. You need to establish a good understanding with him what he should be and how he should act when he is grown and is a father.

Pull your head out of your *** and focus on your son, not yourself. Any person would see that there is no benefit in telling your son how his crappy father was crappy.

Answer 8

I think that he never needs to know, at least not from you. Kids are a lot smarter than we think and he may figure it out on his own. Hearing it from you will only hurt him and believe it or not he will probably get angry at you for saying anything about his father. It is the strangest thing, no matter how horrible a parent can be, their child will always think the world of them.

Answer 9

What would be the point of telling him? Let him think his dad was a good guy. I understand your anger and frustration, but it won't make any of those things that he did to you any less hurtful. Rise above your initial desire to tell your son how bad he was. It will probably only hurt your son in the long run. I know you wouldn't want to do that.

When and if the time comes, tell him that his dad had problems with priorities in his life. Think about how you will affect your son. If you tell him his dad was a jerk. What good will it do? Think about it. good luck.

Answer 10

Your son is approaching an age where he will start to see people for who they are. Keep your words kind--you will never regret it. But in a few years, your son will start to question, and then, you should answer honestly, but never with cruelty. Your son will see the truth on his own, in his own good time. If you have been "above board," he will never blame you for the realizations he'll have someday.

Answer 11

'This is not an issue that needs to be addressed at this time, since his dad was not involved in his life, he knows his dad didn't care about him or you. just leave it alone, he probably already figured it out and loves his grandparents and feels no loss of his father. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and if he isn't broken up about it, its because his dad didn't mean anything significant to him.