Help with healing?? Scandal involved, all welcome to respond....?

Question

Hi. thanks for taking time to respond.... Here is the situation:

Its been about ten years since she left me. I had cheated on her, and she stayed around for several months, but one day I came home and found her cheating on me. I begged her to stay, but she left. I never heard hide nor hair of her since then. No closure, nothing. She also deserves thanks - for teaching me a hard lesson I'll never forget - cheating sucks and hurts like hell.

Ive recently found out where she resides....

51% of me wants to make contact - only for the purpose of asking her for her forgiveness for what I did to her, to apologize to her, and to obtain closure in my life. It wouldnt be bad to hear her apologize either, but Im not holding my breath. I want to apologize to her...I was the one who did wrong first...
The other 49% of me says that it was ten years ago and she has certainly forgotten about me, so why should I bother to dredge up old feelings...as if I should just let it go.....

What are your opinions, fellow humans? All are welcomed and all shall receive equal consideration...

Is it truly selfish that I want to do this both for my healing and for hers??

Answer 1

Simply put:

You cheated on her. She cheated on you.

No offense guy, whatever relationship there may have been, it is well over.

If you truly honor the lessons of that relationship -- do so by honoring her choice to get on with her life. As you say, no point dredging up old feelings. She has probably moved on, you have moved on. No good can come of meeting for the sake of these memories.

Forgive her. Forgive YOURSELF. Be a better person for it, and you will have paid the penalty in full.

Answer 2

I think you should go where your heart has first directed you. An apology is NEVER a bad thing, and speaks volumes about the character of the person. Although you've moved on, your conscience has not. To get closure, you should ask for forgiveness, but not expect any back.

I wish you peace.

EDIT: Some have questioned whether your apology would make either one of you "feel better." I don't see that's the issue. You did wrong and were repaid with an act that was equally wrong. Be concerned with doing what's RIGHT this time. Even if she doesn't accept your apology, you've shown yourself you can do the right thing NOW.

Answer 3

I think this incident has created you a guilt/ depression situation. If we revist this scene, and change around the scenario where you catch your girlfriend cheating on you, she panics and asks for forgiveness, you don't forgive her and cick her out... OR you forgive her, you stay together... you won't be feeling this way..

She has broken something in your soul & made you feel like you are worthless by 1)cheating on you 2) most important, by not even giving a damn if you forgave her or not, she made you feel this is not a previlage your giving her;;; infact she was the one who left you.. you begged her to stay..

You need this closure because 1) you feel you have caused this situation to take place; feeling guilty so you want to apologize properly once more 2) you want closure to gain your self worth, heal your soul

You know this girl better than us,, she could be the ruthless type and has totaly forgotton about you,, or she could be feeling what you are feeling today

MY ADVICE: if you do try to contact her, make sure that you are doing this for you and not her.. because :::::::
1- she got even with you by cheatting on you 2- she did what suits her, which is leaving you, she is mature and responsible for her actions

Contact her, with pride, ask to see her out some where on a cup of tea, be strong, buy her a gift something you think she would like,,, apologize once more,, give her the gift as a token of peace..what ever her response could be... thank her anyway for giving you this chance,,,, leave again with pride because you deserve it.... be calm and listen..

Hope this helps :)

Answer 4

Chances are "you mattered" to her at least as much as she mattered to you. She likely still thinks of the pain of that. If your motivations in contacting her were selfish, I wouldn't. It's hard to tell in these few words and since you're a stranger but you don't seem to be motivated by selfish things - more a desire to have a wound heal over.

I think it would be a positive thing for both of you to have closure. I also think that "how" you contact her is important. To show up might be shocking as might a phone call. In addition, it is very "confrontational" to a person - to have you right there and live. Something that would show "forethought" and be considerate would be to mail a card or letter to her. This way you could craft very carefully what you want to say. It also shows that you didn't contact her on impulse. It gives her time to think about her response and doesn't "put her on the spot" as well as showing consideration for her feelings.

Good luck with this.

Answer 5

Wow! Thats is very heart felt.

It does not come often when an individual admits their wrong and then along with that, want to recieve forgiveness from the very person whom they committed wrong against. Because your heart has caused you feel this way; I would suggest following it. You are now a changed person, I assume, from this experience and would only wish to reconcile the harsh feelings that she was given because of your inability to stay faithful.

You are a great example of how one shows a changed heart and mind; by all means, I would go and apologize to her; letting her know how sorry you have been for all these years. I am sure, if you have been still thinking about it......I am sure she has not forgotten. By you coming by and wanting to reconcile the hurt feelings, it shows that you are a better person.

I congratulate you in your ability to recognize your fault; and I hope you go and ask for forgiveness to bring peace to not only your heart, but to hers as well......

Answer 6

I think that trying to make amends is admirable and I'll bet she would like to know that you have taken responsibility for your part in your relationships failure. I also think it will help you with closure. I hope you get the icing on the cake of an apology from her as well. Two wrongs are never right. Just more wrong.
Good Luck and God Bless You.

Answer 7

One previous poster already mentioned that the important question to ask is whether you are looking for something for yourself, or if your motive is to help her.

If you are hoping to help her, how is your contact able to do that?

Here's an interesting question: How did you go about finding her? Was it accidental, or were you specifically looking for her? If you were looking, why? Maybe the reason for the search might offer some insight into your motives.

I'd say that if you have opportunity to see her that isn't contrived, make your ammends then. If you are seeking her out either to get togehter, or to make yourself feel better, perhaps that's not the best of reasons.

Seeing you might bring emotions up in her that she doesn't necessarily want to deal with. Let sleeping dogs lie.

Answer 8

I think it would be okay to contact her and tell her how you feel and that you are sorry. I would do it with absolutely no expectations in regards to her response and attitude. If nothing else it would give you closure and then you would know to close that door and move on. I'd try to call her first rather than go by because that might take her too much by surprise and sometimes people don't react well in those situations. Best wishes with whatever you decide.

Answer 9

You should apologize, perhaps by writing a letter. Repentance and seeking forgiveness, especially as it sounds as if you have a changed heart is a good thing.

I don't think she has forgotten about you in ten years. Betrayal in a relationship is a big thing and it is something that she probably still has the scars from. If you do, she probably does too.

Answer 10

Were you married or just living together? Has she married or remarried? Have you? Those facts make a difference...

Yes, apologies are sometimes needed for closure, but sometimes they open up wounds that should have remained closed.

Have you asked God's forgiveness? Have you commited your past to Him? Have you prayed for guidance? Is your ex-mate a Christian?

If you want, send me an email.... or if you add more facts, I'll just edit this answer....

god bless!!