am i being selfish?

Question

my girlfriend has admitted to being in love with a guy who died four months ago! the thing is we have been together for a year! she constantly talks about him and has a photo album
dedicated to his memory. becouse of this i have told her that i dont want to be with her anymore but all my mates say i shouldnt feel bothered about it cos the guy is dead?!

Answer 1

hell, i couldnt do it..... 4 months ago and youve been together a year :O so she hasnt loved you?? thats bad....
In due time, it would cause me to go insane....
If she cant move on then leave her be....

And if she spoke about him all the time, ewwww sickening..... i wouldnt say she loves you if shes so obsesed with this guy.

Next she will have a shrine!!!

Find someone who will care about you mate ;)

Answer 2

You're not being selfish, You have a right to feel the way you do because she talks about him constantly, and she DID love him, but she has to get over the fact that he is dead now, and you are in her life now. I used to have someone who I loved/like as a friend and more than a friend, and he died. And I know that he and I stayed friends after, so it doesnt bother me at all, because he was there for me, but not anymore, and now I do, and I should pay attention to what I have now, and I havent been doing that alot, and I should. But I shouldnt be obsessed with someone who is dead now. Life moves on. And you should tell her that she has someone who cares for her, and she needs to be with you more than now, because what if YOU died? Would she still be paying more attention to that other guy? But of course, you shouldnt feel as much bothered. He is dead, and you should also respect that she felt special about him too. And should have "some" exceptions. Just let her know that you're here now, and he isnt anymore. =)

Answer 3

Yes you are being selfish. If she loved the guy at some time, it is only natural that she will be grieving. Her way of grieving is talking about him and having her photo album in memoriam of him.

It appears as if you have not shown her much empathy in her situation. If you had only listened to her in an empathetic way, she would eventually stop constantly talking about the guy. She would also love you more for being understanding in her time of need.

Your mates are right in saying you should not be bothered seeing as how the poor guy is dead. He is no threat to you in this relationship. Also the fact that your mates said what they did, leads me to believe that they thought she was a nice girl as well.

If you think you still love her maybe you can try and redeem yourself with her and be a little more empathetic towards her.

Answer 4

It's not the thought that she was in love with him but the fact she still is! To dedicate an album to him...fine, then put it in the cuppard some where. But to constantly talk about him to you is very cruel. She has girlfriends for that. It should of taught her that life is unfair and no one knows when there time will be up. She should be thinking how lucky she is to have you there beside her and not the dead fellow. We all have someone to miss whether they are dead or alive, don't discuss it with your present significant other! Its just wrong! I would recommend grief therapy to her. Even look one up for her and hand her the phone number. If she won't take the number let her go. I'm going thru a similar experience only this ex isn't dead they were divorced. My guy has agreed and has been going to therapy for 7 weeks with me now. It's worked out fantastic! we go again next week. He even looks forward to it. It's brought us closer together. I hope you figure out what will work out for the two of you even if it means breaking up. Good luck!

Answer 5

You are right. The guy may be dead, but the fact remains, she still has feelings that need to be resolved! As long as she has feelings for this guy, then she isnt ready to commit to you! The fact that you have been together for a year says it all!!! The fact that the guy is dead has nothing to do with it! Feelings are feelings! Let her go and deal with her stuff. Take time out for yourself for a bit. Who knows, she'll come back to you when the time is right, but dont base your future on this! Just get out there and enjoy your life and if she decides she wants you, cool, but if she doesnt, move on and the best of luck for your future!

Answer 6

It must be hard for you to realise that your girlfriend is in love with someone who you cannot compete with.

the thing is, death affects those left behind in very different ways. Your girlfriend has felt a loss but as she continually thinks about the 'death and life' of this person, she has associated her grief with feelings of love. Its sad really and what she needs is some type of counselling to help her get over this person. I really doubt that she loved this person before his death. This death has affected her particularly badly and you know this by the way she has reacted. Especially the photo album.

You have been selfish by ending the relationship, but this is because you don't understand what she is going through. You have to accept that you cannot always be the centre of attention.

Speak to your girlfriend - (face to face) - tell her that you want to support her in her grief but you feel that it would help her to have someone else to talk to about her feelings for the person who has died. Tell her that you find it hard to cope with her feelings for this guy and that you are not, at the moment, the best person to speak to about it all. Tell her that you love her (only if you do) and that you will always be there for her. Try, if you can, to continue with the relationship.

If you can't then at least you gave it a good try.

Answer 7

If you have been together for a year and this man died 4 months ago? Why does she feel the need to tell you this I wonder?

That is probably something you could have lived without knowing.
I would might feel a little hurt and not good enough if I were in your shoes.

I can understand not wanting to be with her. I'm afraid I don't have an answer other than, follow your heart.

Answer 8

Well i can See both views on this Subject , You found out she is in Love with a Dead man who she must of be sexual with .An now has a Memory of just Pictures .
You can see that she is Heart broken about the Dead of this man . You need to Be there for your Girlfriend know matter with! Hope this helps you ...

Joe

Answer 9

It's difficult to compete for love with a dead person and it's understandable that you may feel insecure about the issue. Wasn't in better first to discuss with your girlfriend how you felt and then to make decisions?
If you do love her, I am sure you'd be able to find the strength to have this conversation and eventually clear any misunderstandings. Good luck!

Answer 10

Well, if it bugs you enough to break up with her- then you probably shouldnt be with her. However, I think that in time, she will eventually get over it. It is someone she obviously cared a great deal about and you should be supportive of that. Also, try talking to her and telling her that it kind of bothers you that she is always talking about him and that you want to move into the future and create memories with her instead of her always thinking about memories of him.

-EA

Answer 11

No, you are not being selfish--she is. Her focus is on her feelings, and she is either unaware or uncaring of the effect her obsession with this guy is causing in your relationship.

Since she kept the fact she was in love with this guy a secret, you have to ask yourself how long had she been in love with him. Did she "suddenly" realize it after his death, did she fall in love while you were dating, or was she in love with him when you started dating? It sounds like she was dishonest with you by keeping her feelings a secret. And the photo album, well, that just seems creepy. I mean, it's almost like necro-stalking (or did she start the album before his death?).

In any case, you need to ask yourself how you feel about her. Are you in love with her enough to help her through this difficult period, or does her behavior cement doubts you've had about your relationship? From your words, you've decided to cut your losses, and while you don't need to feel guilty about it, you have the right to feel hurt because of her callousness with your emotions.