please just listen..?

Question

i have been in a relationship for five years with this very great guy. he is going to propse to me on christmas and i don't know what to do. i love him, but some things i cannot see myself not doing for the rest of my life, like not being able to wear certain hairstyles or certain outfits or do certain things like hang out with my friends (oh, did i tell you he doesn't like any of my friends?) or do things i normally would do. we break up and get together . i love this man besides all the sh*t he's put me through. embarrassing me in public, his friends and family and treating me like sh$t. i want to leave so badly, but i don't know how. when you love somebody, crazy things are what you do, like staying with that person. you try to leave them but they keep coming back. he's told me that he would not change for me and if i didn't like the rules i can leave. he's also threatened me on many occassions that if he catches me w/ another man he will kill us. how can i go w/out fear 4 my life?

Answer 1

You need to leave him and get a restraining order, you may have to move to another town to get away from him. Call the local domestic violence agency in your area, they will assist you in getting away from him. This man is abusive and has all the signs of an abusive partner. You are in danger and are allowing your children to be in danger. You need to get out and stay away. Get some counseling after you leave, it is usually provided free of charge through the agency, and they will also assist you in getting housing or whatever you need to get away from him. Here is the national hot line, 800-799-7233 if you call them they will give you the number to the local agency in your state and city. Please get away from him, after you get away you will begin to feel better about yourself and stronger. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 2

Has anyone told you lately what a wonderful, terrific person you are? Well then let me do so right now. You are a great lady and some man will be lucky to have you. Just not the one you have right now. He doesn't value you and he doesn't love you. Trust me. He doesn't understand when you need some alone time and he gets jealous when you decide to spend time with someone else. (Man or woman, family or friend, it doesn't matter, ‘cause it's not him and he's going to be pissed/annoyed/angry.) So, take a deep breath (in fact take two), strengthen your shoulders, look him straight in the eyes and say, "Sweetheart, this relationship is not working anymore. It's not good for me and it's not good for you. I'm sorry, but it's over." He will give you every argument under the sun, but just say the same thing each time. "Sweetheart, this relationship is not working...." He will call you names and react in anger. Do not be swayed. Do not be scared. Do not let him get you talking about what coulda/woulda/shoulda. Don't explain. Don't cry. Don't shout and don't curse. Remain calm and repeat "Sweetheart..." Then walk away. You can do it. I expect great things from you and I do not intend to be disappointed.

Answer 3

Obviously he's a control freak and an abuser. He shows all the classic symptoms and that's just from what you wrote. If you don't leave him, then you are in for a life of pure hell. If he's doing this to you when you aren't even married, then what can you expect from him when you are?
Don't become a statistic! Or worse yet, a convicted felon, because in the end you had to kill him to end his years of torture.
I'm not over-reacting to this. Do some research on battered women and their abusers and you'll see.
Bottom Line: Get as far away from him as you can and take out a restraining order.
P.S. Don't say a word about your actions to him, just do it. Another thing about people like him, is that they can always convince you that it'll be all right and that you are the one that is wrong or over-reacting.
P.S.S. I'm a guy and know about dudes like him!

Answer 4

Please call the battered women's hotline and ask them for options. 1- 800-799-SAFE.
This is an unsafe and unhealthy relationship, please GET HELP NOW! There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Don't waste your life over this addictive relationship pattern you have gotten involved with. Maybe having someone have this much control over you makes you feel cared for. You don't care for the people you control, you care for yourself. This is an unhealthy idea of caring you have gotten into and I know that it does provide certain things or you wouldn't be there now. Try and think about that you're getting out of staying (unhealthy reasons or not) and if those are enough of a trade off for freedom, love, respect and the chance to enjoy and live your life. He might say that he loves you, but he just doesn't know the meaning of love. He was probably treated crappy as a kid and now doesn't know how to be anything but the perpetrator or the victim, so he became perpetrator. GET OUT before you have kids with this person and I read about how some guy killed his wife and children before killing himself.

Answer 5

that is not a healthy relationship. I can't tell you what to do but, I would do some serious soul searching and love yourself first. Love is wonderful if you love you first and you set boundaries. People will only do to you what you let them so it's apparent you like this situation or else you would have left a long time ago. Love you first! Remember that.. All the best

Answer 6

If y'all aint happy together, then you need to make the first step and leave. Why be with someone if they cant respect you for who you are? If you end up staying, it could mean problems down the road. From what you've said about him, he seems to be controlling. Have y'all watched the Maury show before? Saw a good episode on controling husbands this morning. Makes me wanna slap them silly for what they put their women through. Think of your life headed down that road if you stay with him. I wish ya the best!

Answer 7

I don't understand "you try to leave them but they keep coming back." He can come back but that doesn't mean you have to accept it. You've put up with the behavior for 5 years and now that he is going to propose you don't know what to do? Say no. Just because you love him it doesn't mean that you have to be with him for the rest of your life. Learn to love yourself and you won't be in this kind of predicament again, i.e. being embarrassed in public and allowing yourself to be controlled.

Answer 8

You may want to contact a family service group in your community. There are support groups that can help you sort your feelings. Any man that threatens you is not deserving of a relationship with you.

Remember, you're a strong person that deserves love and respect!

Answer 9

If he's this bad now, he'll get 100x worse when you marry him. I know you think you love him but trust me you can find a man who doesnt think its okay to treat you like sh*t. You need to find someone you can stay with, contact the police if you have to. Find a way you can get away from him and get protection from him. Dont tell him where you're going if you move in with someone, and dont tell any of his friends or family because it'll get back to him. Think about spending the rest of your life being held down by a controling woman-hater. If you have kids with this man, what will he do to them? Trust me you're right to want to leave. Go to your family, get help, do whatever it takes to get away from him. No man has the right to tell a woman how she can dress and who she can and cannot be friends with.

Also, Please dont think you love him. He obviously doesnt love you. If he did, he'd treat you with respect.embarrassing you, treating you like sh*t?? what gives him that right??? I think you're just.....used to him. And maybe he has you believing he loves you and that you cant do any better than him. NOT TRUE!!!! it's NEVER okay for him to treat you like crap. Theres no excuse for that. He comes back because he knows he cant get any better, and nobody else will put up with that kind of behavior. It might be hard to leave him at first but it sounds like his bad points seriously out weigh his good ones....that is, if he has any at all? Get him out of your life and get as far away from him as possible. If you marry him it'll be much much harder to get him out of your life. God gave you free will for a reason hun, no man has the right to try and take it away from you. If you can, get proof of him threatening your life. take it to the police. He probably wont get locked up for long but even a little time is better than nothing. take that time to get away! File a restraining order so that if he does come around, he can be automatically arrested, so you dont have to wait for him to actually do something. I dont know how serious he is but you shouldnt take it lightly at all. Maybe you should consider having a friend with you at all times for a while, and possibly even taking self defense classes. I know a lot of times men make these threats and theyre completely empty, but alot of times theyre not. Better safe than sorry.

Answer 10

you need to fill someone in on what is going on with his threats and all...do you think by marryinghim that he is going to change?? He has already told you he is not going to..what happen when you have kids?? How is he going to treat them..you do not have to say yes, that you will marry him....how can you say he is great when he does so manyhurtful things to you ..he threatens you and that makes him great..he tells you what you do can and wear and how to have your hair?? Your hair that you have had YOUR whole life..someone else is going to tell you what to do with it??? That is not love that is control and obsession....he wants to rule your life not love you...he wants to control you not love you....yoou already have doubts... why not trust in yourself and you guts feelings that you really do not want to marry him or even be with him....things are not going to get better with him or his family....believe in yourself!!!