Would it be rude?

Question

My boyfriends mother is in failing health. She is diabetic and she is keeps having more and more medical problems. My boyrfriend has been taking care of her for the past 20 years needlessly of course because until recently she has been quite capable of taking care of her self. She basically has been living with him to avoid paying any bills. She is getting social security and has medicare and medicaid. I would like to start a family with my boyfriend but I really feel that she is in the way. Would it be rude to gather information on nursing homes in our area to give to him to review?

I really need help here!

Thanks for all your comments in advance.

Answer 1

Your boyfriend has severe momy issues. Get out before you drag a kid into a single parent situation.

Answer 2

Ut oh....... I hear warning bells going off here.

Your bf has been caring for Mama over the past 20 years! And she hasn't really needed "care" up until now, just someone to pay her bills.

1. Don't even think of coming between Mama and her Sonny-Boy.
2. Don't gather any information of any kind on any nursing homes.
3. Don't consider having children with a man who is controlled by Mama's apron strings.
4. Run away, quickly, while you still can.

Answer 3

Hi. I understand. This is a very delicate issue. It is not hard to see why you want to approach it carefully. I would say do a little homework. It helps if you all have some options and a clear idea of why it could work better. Then slowly bring your bf into the picture. Help him to "own" this idea. Talk about it calmly. Show that you do care about how his mother is doing. But also show him the benefits of having a chance to become your own family.

Answer 4

I commend your boyfriend for taking care of his mother. It's very difficult to watch someone we love so much suffering through ill health. Since you aren't married starting a family seems a little premature. Certainly not fair to your "future children" and definitely not respectable. If you can't stand behind your boyfriend and support him through everything, including important family things, then the marriage wouldn't likely last anyway. It sounds like you might need a little more growing up time or maturing. Best Wishes.

Answer 5

The most you ought to do is ASK him if he wants you to find out things about nursing homes. My bet is, he won't want that. Bet you'll hear anger in his voice when he tells you to step back.

Nursing homes don't come cheap. They're also not the best of places to put one's mother unless that's the only route left.

Sounds to me like Mama is going to come first with this guy, and you'll be relegated to second place, no matter what. Are you sure you'd want to complicate things by bringing a baby into this?

Answer 6

Before you gather you better make sure he would be up for that. If a bf of mine brought me those things without talking to me I would freak out. If it has never crossed his mind to put his mom in a nursing home he might think you are cruel and selfish and could look at you differently.

Answer 7

don't suggest a nursing home- he may take offense. tell him how you feel and what you want to happen in your relationship. there are assisted living programs where a nurse comes everyday to help out and it is covered by medicare- my gram has it. tell him you two need your own space but don't push him. if he does nothing about it then weigh the pros and cons of the relationship and either put up with her or find someone new.

Answer 8

In the American culture that would be an okay idea but other cultures care for their parents themsleves. It could offend you boyfriend. See how he feels on the subject though, because if yo arent willing to have his mom living with you guys while raising with a family I dont see the family working out.

Answer 9

Your husband could take it the wrong way if you do not approach it right. I would say for you to sit down with your husband and just tell him your true feelings about that you want to do. Maybe he wants the children or does not want them. What about putting the mother in-law in the basement like Arthur on The King of Queens!

Answer 10

yup

its up to you to discuss it with her, whether she has money or not

if she is still sane enough to understand even part of what you are saying

try an apartment over the garage for her or a basement apartment if you can both stand her, Otherwise a small apartment nearby for her.

If and when she can't take care of herself, you have to do what ever you are willing to, the nursing home becomes the last step when you can't or won't anymore.

Answer 11

Don't gather the info yet. I think you need to talk to your BF and tell him how you feel and why you feel that way. Then bring up the nursing home idea.