How worried should I be ?

Question

My daughter in law is a stay at home. She has a 1 yr old and a 7 yr old. My son is out of town almost all week. The 7yr old is failing in school and I recently was told that they dont even practice spelling words during the week. The child is also in tutering 2 times a week. When we see the kids their socks and feet are nasty/dirty and often wearing old clothes that dont even fit. The baby will have a red butt but thats because he poops alot? What bothers me is my daughter in law talks on her cell phone an average of 80-120 hours a month. I know this because she's on my cell phone plan. I want to talk to her but I see this as something that could turn into a bad sitution if I'm not careful. She's had child protective services take her kids twice already due to drug use by both parents and they have cleaned up now. I don't understand her lack of nurting or concern for these children. What can I do to help the children?

Answer 1

You seem to have made sure that your son is not to blame here - at all. Even though he is gone almost all week (and why is that? He has babies at home) that does not keep him out of this equation. CPS should not be your first order of business. If you are not able to financially help them, maybe you could become more involved as a grandmother. Offer to help her.
As nice as it may sound - being a stay-at-home mom is not the most fun thing in the world to do - especially when you don't have any money. She could really be feeling lonely and somewhat resentful of the children and your son because of this.
Both your daughter-in-law and your son are former drug users. There is a sense of dependency and insecurity that goes along with that. Maybe she (they) needs to learn how to be a good parent. Be genuine in your sincerity to help her.
And stop blaming her so much. Yes, she has made some bad choices in the past, but who hasn't. You may want to not paint her with the same brush forever. It's been established that you love your son very much (keeping the blame off of him) but he did choose this also. Maybe he didn't learn the right way to have a family. Maybe she didn't learn.
But that does not mean they can't be taught new ways....
They both show amazing strenght by getting clean - and that's a very good start.

Answer 2

As a grandparent maybe you hould help out. Like buy some materials to help do spelling words with the yourng boy. Obviously if they are on your cellphone plan and kids wearing outdated clothes they dont have much money. I am sure there is nothing you can say to help change this. But being a good grandparent! And if there is any hard evidence of neglect do what you feel is right. Does she run the cell phone bill up?? Who does she talk to?? Why is your son not home??

Answer 3

Hi there. I am a granny to two as well. Your first priority here is to the children. They depend on their parents to be fed, kept clean, help with their homework etc. If the daughter in law is not doing this then sit them down and tell them how you feel, or perhaps first have a chat to your son. If nothing improves then I would get child protective services in again. Offer to have the kids with you if you can/want to. I know its difficult as we dont want to butt in. Never mind about hurting their feelings, because she obviously doesnt give a hoot anyway. You HAVE to do what ever will benefit the kids. They will thank you later in life.

Answer 4

You have to be really careful in this situation - the last thing you want is to alienate mom and not get to see the grandkids....
You can offer occasional babysitting services, but no opinions or advise unless asked. Definitely get mom off your cell phone plan - make any excuse you want - let mom arrange her own phone options. Guaranteed she'll cut down on phone use if she has to pay for it herself.
If thekids have been picked up by CPS, then they should still be following up occasionally on the case - so if they don't have an issue, it'll be hard for you to make a case. Sounds like there is financial issues, but that's for your son and daughter-in-law to work out. Don't give them money that you'll want them to spend a certain way and pay back eventually.

Answer 5

If you love your grand kids you will get them more closely watched by someone. You don't want them in that environment so get her help and if that doesn't work then she won't be fit to be a mom. HELL! she's not fit to be a mom now, if she's taking drugs think about what would happen if she went behind the wheel high with the kids in the back seat. And she probably isn't keeping her drugs well locked up. I don't mean to bring up the worst possible scenarios, but what else can you do in a case like this?
I wish you and your family the best of luck.

Answer 6

I would tell her that you are seeing some things that concern you as a loving mother in law and as a grandmother and that you will give her an option. You either take her kids for a few months while she gets her life back on track and when you see an improvement on the way she keeps house and the things that she is doing at that time you will give them back on a trial basis and of course while you have them she is welcome to see them whenever she wants. If she does not like this option, I would let her know that you then feel it is in the best interest of your grandchildren to call CPS again. Good luck, that's got to be hard.

Answer 7

Call child protective services. Be ready to start taking care of the kids. Get yourself into a support group - you're going to need help with this project and you're not the only person in this kind of situation. Don't be intimidated by the parents' excuses. Think about what you would need if you were one of those children.

Answer 8

Have you talked to your son? There is a big difference between not being a great mother and being unfit. make sure you know which one she is before you do anything too drastic. I am not sure how you can bring this up to her without a fight, but maybe if she knows someone is noticing her kids are not well taken care of she will be embarassed and try harder. I stay home with two toddlers...so she should be able to handle a one year old and a school aged child.

Answer 9

If these kids are not in immediate physical danger then do not get involved. Are they hungry? Is the oldest sent to school regularly? Are they sick? If not then I seriously recommend that you do not get involved. If so, then by all means... get help for them. I used to have a nosey meddling mother in law who thought I or my husband couldn't do anything right. She was sooo wrong. We out an end to that problem really quickly. We moved clear across the country and did not giver her our address or whereabouts. Our kids are fine. Both have well above average IQ's and are also both in prestigious colleges now.

Answer 10

Of course you should be worried...a lot. She has shown that she is irresponsible in the past by chosing drugs over her children. I would confront the situation. She might get mad but, you might be able to tell a lot from her reaction. Try not to be too confrontational. Approach it like "Hon, I know your problems in the past, and I have a nagging feeling something is going on. Is there anything you need help with?"