Am I doing the right thing with my son?

Question

I have a 18 year old son who has a girlfriend that he adores. I just found out that they are trying to have a baby. They had a pregnancy scare about 2 months ago and at that time my son was devistated because he didnt want to be a father. Now they are trying to have a baby. Dosent make sence. He is being defiant to me and his father. He dosent want to listed to us and wants to do his own thing. His girlfriend is telling him that he is an adult and that he can do what ever he wants to do. He takes that advice and treats us like we owe him. Last night we talked to him and gave him 3 months to get enough money together and find his own place. We told him now that he is makeing adult decisions he needs to spread his wings and fly. My question is did we do the right thing? We have given him all the tools in life to survive but it is hard to let go.

Answer 1

Three words: GOOD FOR YOU!!! If he wants to be treated like an adult then he needs to behave like an adult, which means getting his own place and paying his own bills and dealing with the things life throws at him on his own. But if he wants to live under your roof then you have every right to lay down the law and expect that he will conform to your rules. He should NOT be allowed to have it both ways. You and your husband have spent the last 18 years feeding him, clothing him, sheltering him, and raising him -- you don't owe him anything else. Now, I know it's hard for you to let go, and you're probably even more concerned that he's making a bad choice here, but you have to let him make it. It's pretty clear from your post that he's not going to listen to you, and some of the best and most important lessons in life have to be learned the hard way (and yes, I speak from experience here). Stick to your guns and let him go. He's still your son, and I'm sure you'll still love him no matter what, but it's time for him to learn what life in the real world is really like.

Answer 2

I am mom to 4 children who are now 27, 25, 22, and 9. We had some very explicit rules and resulting consequences at our house when our older 3 were teenagers. Our 9 year old will be expected to follow the same rules with the same consequences. I agree with the girlfriend that your son is now an adult, at least age wise and can do whatever he wants. However, he can not do whatever he wants while he is living in your home. As a parent, I understand the desire to protect your children, want what is best for them, and help them out of their bad choices. However, this does not help them to grow and become responsible adults. I think you did the right thing, but I think you are giving him too much time especially if he is being defiant and is not listening to you. That needs to stop from him right now and you have every right to ask him to leave at anytime if he is not following the rules. He thinks he can make adult decisions so he needs to start acting like an adult. It is hard, but this is a "tough love" situation. Tell him the house rules. If he does not follow them, then he needs to leave. Sleeping a couple nights in his car or on a friend's couch won't hurt him and and will make him a little more grateful for what he has with you.

Answer 3

Yes you did the right thing. Adults know that 18 is WAY too young to have a baby.
I would sit down with him and tell him your very excited to have grandchildren. Have him explain to you how he is going to afford to take care of a baby. Make a list of all the things babies need and the cost. Remind him that when his friends are watching football and having fun,he will be dealing with a baby and babies don't really like football,they don't care who's playing. Sounds like his girlfriend is trying to control him and she thinks a baby will make him stick with her. She's way off on that one. Once it gets tough he'll be the one to up and leave and guess who will have to help her and the baby? YOU! You will grow to love the baby and end up having to be the responsible one. I went through the same thing with my son. I don't understand why some girls just want babies so young. It's sad because they regret it later. Somehow get them to babysit about 3 kids at one time about the age of 1 and older. Maybe New Years Eve. I mean if they want to become parents they need to know that staying up until midnight isn't always a party!

Answer 4

Although an 18 year-old is legally an "adult", I still think they act like kids. You are doing the right thing. He is in NO position to bring a new life into the world. He is still dependent on you! Does he feel the baby will also be YOUR responsibililty??? I think that if he is that desperate to have a baby, (or perhaps it's his girlfriend's idea), then he will do what he wants no matter what you say. You are right in establishing healthy boundaries and letting him get a dose of reality living outside the home. Good luck.

Answer 5

You son is an adult at age 18, but being an adult means that you DON'T owe him anything, that he has to earn it for himself. And him becoming a father in the near future also means that he is more an adult then he was before. You did the right thing. He has to get a good job, an apartment and figure out how to deal with this, as an adult. Good job, mom.

Answer 6

I think you did the right thing. Any person with that age should be out of their mind to consider having a child. They are beautiful and all but they are so expensive. Chances are they might not even be meant for each other and then the only one that's going to be hurt is the child. Take it from me I know cause I was in the same situation and I have a 5 year old son and I'm 22 years old.

Answer 7

I know you did the right thing. At 18 he's considered an adult and he clearly wants to do his own thing, right or wrong. He'll soon discover how things really are out there on his own and you just have to trust that you've raised him right to this point. Do you really want to be fighting with him all the time? I'm sure he doesn't. Let him go, but maybe you should let him know that if things aren't working out as he hoped, he can always come home...as long as he shows respect for you and your husband.

Answer 8

you did the right thing with letting him go. If he feels he is adult and mature enough to raise a child that is his choice after all he is 18. But there is so much life after 18 and I think that might be early for him to have a child and he might look back and regret it. I am 24 and am doing finacially well now, but I still feel I am not responsible enough to have a family of my own yet.

Answer 9

His girlfriend is right. he is an adult, and he can do whatever he want to. He's not being defiant, he's being a man, and he needs to get out on his own and be a man, not a child living at mom and dads house pretending to be an adult.

but he certainly cant do it in your house.

Yes, you did do the right thing. He should be out on his own, especially if he's trying to make his own family. You need to let him know now that if they jump the gun and make babies now, he will have no way to provide for a child and a wife/girlfriend, and no place to keep them. He certainly cant keep them with you. Thats not what a man does.

You cannot make him do certain things, you can however expect them from him. You've trained him, now expect him to operate in that training. His a child no longer, the days of mommy and daddy protecting him from himself are over. You can lend him advice, so he can avoid the painful difficult parts, but he has full right to not take it.

His life is his own now. Just as it ought to be.

Kick his butt out, and let him flounder. He'll learn quick enough. If not now, when?

Iam married to a man who's 30 and never rented an apartment, never bought his own car, never paid his own bills until I came a long, never done anything with his life unless mom and dad did it for him. Now he's married with a child on the way, and mom and dad still provide the bulk of everything he wants and needs. He's not allowed to do it himself.

You dont want that for him. Its a shameful, embarrassing thing. He has to make his own mistakes and solve his own problems. And you need to stand at the ready incase there is some way you can better advise him to help him.

Answer 10

You are doing the right thing. Sometimes tough love is the best. 18 is still pretty immature even though the 18 year old doesn't believe it. Do you know anyone that has a baby? Maybe if he spends a couple nights taking care of one and seeing what it is really like he will change his mind.