How to deal with an extremely depressed and resentful son?

Question

He's 14 and 6 months ago was doing bad stuffl. Bad crowds, unnacceptable behavior, he even was kinda mean to his younger sister. He got a severe punishment and woke up to what he was doing. He changed completely, made up for with his sister and today is an excellent kid. But that punishment traumatized him, he got depressed, feeling guilty, avoids friends, is always lone and lonely. His only social contact is with 2 friends and some people at a church where he volunteered to some activities. He was forgiven completely, but avoids us, is never at ease when we're around. It's hard to talk to hi. His respectful, today we have nothing to complain, but avoids us. Some days ago we could have a talk with him, he said he feels guilty, we'll always remind him of what happened. He also says he agrees what he did was wrong, but think we were too harsh and doesnt beleive we love him. Something broke inside him, he cant see us as loving parents any more. And each day he's more depressed and sad

We inted to correct our son, not to destroy him emotionally

Answer 1

Part of this is normal for a teen, but is it possible you went waaaayyyy too far with the punishment of yours? Most teenagers won't suddenly change that drastically.

His inability to be at ease around you like he used to could stem from that punishment; possible he doesn't even trust or particularly like you anymore. He's stated he doesn't believe you love him - so what are you trying to do to repair that, to regain his trust and love?

You broke something in your relationship with him, and with teens that can take an awfully long time to repair. It might not even be repairable. My own spouse, a loving kind man, has no relationship with his father to date because of incidents at the same age as your son. Of course, his father's done nothing to repair their relationship, so not exactly suprised that spouse could care less if his dad falls off the earth and disappears.

Teenagers know when you don't trust them - by his statements, he knows you still don't trust him. One of the things I learned - through teaching and as a parent - teens will be as trustworthy as you expect them to be.

YOU have a coming vacation to show him you trust him and love him. Try to repair the relationship; take him out and do things with just him - a dad and son day, a mom and son day, and let him choose what to do. Hug the boy, cuddle the boy. They're still little kids at that age, and still need your love and reassurance like when they were little.

Another thing you can do is stay out of hs room. Knock before entering, don't go in when he's not home - and believe me, they DO know when you've been in there. And they hate it, because regardless of the reason, it seems you don't trust him.

Give him a responsibility that shows trust without making it the burden of yet another chore. I send mine at that age to the store with a check - and occasionally even my debit card- to get things needed and something for himself. Helps that I live near the store though. This is a grand demonstration of trust, and won't be abused if you don't place too many codicils upon it; show that you lack trust.

Send him out with friends over the coming vacation - drop them off at the movies or the mall, let him spend the night somewhere. Another indicator of trust.

Have him talk to a family member about this that he does still trust - aunt, uncle, older cousin, grandparent. Maybe they can help give him insight he needs and understanding as to why you did it.

TELL HIM YOU OVERREACTED. It's clear you think you did. An apology goes a long HUGE way to healing this rift between you. My father overreacted about a situation once; it took him years, but he apologized and we've had a great relationship ever since. I know he was just trying to protect me and was scared out of his wits. Does YOUR son know how worried and scared you were? Time to tell him and time to apologize. And do it without adding anything that sounds like accusations. Keep it simple, to the point, and heartfelt.

It's going to take quite a while, but try to start repairing now.

If his depression is still heavy after the holidays - and depression is at its highest countrywide this time of year - then speak to his school counselor about resources for getting him outside help.

Answer 2

Keep talking to him. One talk won't be enough. Explain to him that your punishing him was the only way you could protect him and that your actions were completely out of love. You didn't punish him because you didn't love him anymore, but because you love him so much you had to do whatever it took to correct the behavior. As a parent, it is your job to not only love your kids, but to protect them and to teach them how to be a contributing member of society. Sometimes that takes actions that don't make either you or the kids feel good, but the fact that you are trying to help him grow as a human means you love him more than anything.

Also explain that he doesn't need to feel guilty. He made a mistake. Sometimes we have to make the mistake to learn the lesson. Everyone makes mistakes and it won't be the last one he makes. That doesn't matter. The point is to learn from life. He can't expect to be perfect.

If this doesn't work after a while, be sure to get into some family counseling. Most teenagers go through phases like this trying to figure out who they are, but this is a little beyond that. Just keep talking to him.

ADDITION: Don't move to a counselor until you are sure you have done everything you can. If you start treating your child like he has problems, he will certainly feel like something is wrong with him. Kids deal with things like this. Just help him deal with his gulit and let him know it's okay to move on, having learned a very valuable lesson.

Answer 3

Try relating to him. Did you ever do something similar when you were his age? Let him know that no one is perfect. You said he volunteers at a church. If he is religous, maybe he should read about the Apostle Paul who killed Chirstians before becomming one. Or Augustine of Hippo, a great church leader that wrote an autobiography where he confessed to being upset with himself over past sexual addictions. But you say a lot of it is because of the punishment--I suppose that is the key. Maybe admit you made a huge mistake (whole heartedly), ask him how he would punish you for your mistake, maybe it will give you more insight into what part of the punishment is bothering him the most. Make sure he knows that you are proud of his transformation, and you don't hold his past mistake against him. If that doesn't work, quit bringing it up. Tell him that you will only talk about it if he brings it up, and go on with your lives like it never happened. It might take a while, but if you give him enough space and enough trust, maybe he will come to you about it later. Until then, maybe try bonding with him in other ways--things that he enjoys. I hope at least some of this helps. Good luck!!

Answer 4

Stress to him that although what he did may have been wrong, he is not a bad person. Being a teenager is all about learning right from wrong and finding out about what you are as a person. Unfortunately, for some people this is a harder journey than for others.

Make an effort to praise the good things that he does. And whatever you do, don't keep reminding him of what he did or cite it as being his 'typical' behaviour. As he realises that what he did was wrong, accept this admission at face value.

You do not say how long this has been going on for. If it has only been a short while, it may just be a passing phase while he deals with his own feelings about what he did. Be there for him, and encourage him to talk about the things that he thinks is upsetting him - don't try to force your assumptions about what he is feeling, and why, onto him.

Good luck to him and you.

Answer 5

What ever you know that led to his punishment, you're wrong. Something of the incident remains hidden from you, and the dishonesty is eating up your son. He feels he cannot now come clean with you, and he cannot maintain his secret forever. Take him to a psychologist... not a pastor, because no matter how loving the church, there is always some kind of judgmental attitude in its precepts, and your son will not be able to bare his soul to the extent he needs to.
You will probably need to apologize for the punishment if you ever hear the whole story. That sucks. Justice delayed is justice denied, but sometimes it takes a long time for all the pertinent details to come out.
He sounds like a good kid, else the whole episode wouldn't be bothering him at all. Again get him to someone with who he can bare his soul, before this secret causes permanent damage.

Answer 6

You have a really smart kid there. He's aware of what's going on and although he's crushed right now, he seems to understand why. Which is great. I think the best thing would be for you and him to go out and do something, like really special to him. Not spoil him, but just let him know that you are his parent, you do love him and it's possible to be friends. He's just bitter that you punished him. I don't think the punishment was to harsh, I think now is a great time to make him feel like your special son. Remind him that you do love him and only want what's best.

Do something now before his frustration turns into hate and then he'll end up all screwed in the head like I am.

Answer 7

I'm super curious as to what the hell you did to him. It's at least good that the punishment straightened him out. But that does suck that it in turn caused him to not be so open with you guys. Try telling him that he is doing a whole lot better with the way he has been going about things... and tell him of your concern. Maybe it's just that you don't tell him enough that you respect his new choices in life. That he's growing up and don't need to be concerned about such harsh punishments because he's not headed down that unacceptable road anymore. Maybe agree with him that it was too harsh a punishment and apologize for it. Just fruit for thought... you know your kid better than anyone on answers... so choose what you tell him carefully. Kid's are super smart in such ways that they can use what you say and do against you!

Answer 8

Good that the bad part was over. Now you have to turn his energies into areas which will help him grow.
Phase I - Find out what he really likes (good activities) and try to do that with him.
Phase II - You would have established a rapport in phase 1. Now, you have to push him into activities that will help him grow. It could be an extra class. A hobby or a collection of events. But make sure you have atleast a couple of activities that involves both of you with him. (Maintaining the trust built earlier)
Phase III- You would have understood him well. Select a good direction for his growth, education-wise or hobby wise and provide him the path and your leadership, guide him through.
This is a slow phased plan but will defintly work. Just do not lose patience. You will all be a close knit happy family. (Pay attention to your daughter also and involve her in your united family plans)

Answer 9

I am so sorry to hear he is so sad and depressed. It's great to know he has changed his ways.You sound very proud of him and yet, so very concerned. At the tender age of 14, the confusion and peer pressure and the pressures at school and at home, can be so overwhelming, they lose a part of themselves . They are also stuck between being a little boy and a young man. As long as you are there for him, as long as you continually tell him you love him, he will eventually show his love back for you. Believe me, he loves you so much that he is still punishing himself for what he did, that's how much he loves you.
However, you do need to step back and evaluate the situation. Do you remind him of what he did? Do you bring it up now and then? You know, sometimes "us" parents make mistakes too and sometimes we don't even realize it. Check yourself and ask your wife to do the same. Make sure you are not throwing it up in his face, in words or in actions.
Take care of this now, before it gets worse. Give him and show him, true unconditional love and he will come out of his darkness to make you both, even more proud.
Good Luck.

Answer 10

I'm really sorry you feel bad. I'm not sure what the punishment was but it must've been severe for him to be mad at you. I think you have to explain that sometimes harsh behaviour deserves harsh punishment. He may not agree with that obviously, but my guess is he will understand in time.

Whatever he has done is in the past. FORGET ABOUT IT. You do not need to mention it to him anymore for any reason. He has been punished, it is over. He doesn't need to be constantly reminded!

Just reassure him that you love him and are always there for him.
Make sure he understands that you are there if he ever wants to talk. If he wants to talk about what is bothering him, then let him open up. Let him come to you.