How to deal with an extremely depressed and resentful son?

Question

He's 14 and 6 months ago was doing bad stuffl. Bad crowds, unnacceptable behavior, he even was kinda mean to his younger sister. He got a severe punishment and woke up to what he was doing. He changed completely, made up for with his sister and today is an excellent kid. But that punishment traumatized him, he got depressed, feeling guilty, avoids friends, is always lone and lonely. His only social contact is with 2 friends and some people at a church where he volunteered to some activities. He was forgiven completely, but avoids us, is never at ease when we're around. It's hard to talk to hi. His respectful, today we have nothing to complain, but avoids us. Some days ago we could have a talk with him, he said he feels guilty, we'll always remind him of what happened. He also says he agrees what he did was wrong, but think we were too harsh and doesnt beleive we love him. Something broke inside him, he cant see us as loving parents any more. And each day he's more depressed and sad

We inted to correct our son, not to destroy him emotionally

Answer 1

You did not state the "punishment" you doled out, nor did you state the "crime" you son committed. This makes it impossible to answer with any certainty. But here goes, as a Grandmother, and one that raised my granddaughters since 1 & 2 yrs old,( my beloved son, their father, was killed at 25-yrs), I have been exposed to 2 generations of youth, First Hand. Whatever your punishment was, you gave it at a Very Critical Stage in your son's Development into manhood! He has lost his "self confidence", and he blames himself, but is putting these uncontrollable feelings at your doorstep. I am going to assume that part of your "punishment" truely "Humiliated" your son. Parents need Alway Remember, that their children are the Reflection of the Four Walls in which they were Raised. When you, as parent(s) punish your children, Do Not make the punishment so severe that you are really putting your "faulty" parenting skills on Your Children. Children are guided by their parent(s) actions. Please try to show your son your Humility and Your Manhood, by Admitting to him that you went "overboad" and will consider any of his suggestion(s) to rectify the separation between the two of you. Show him Your Love and try to make atone for your OverReaction to the actions of your son. Good Luck, and I wish you and your family, Reconciliation and a very Merry Christmas.

Answer 2

Try relating to him. Did you ever do something similar when you were his age? Let him know that no one is perfect. You said he volunteers at a church. If he is religous, maybe he should read about the Apostle Paul who killed Chirstians before becomming one. Or Augustine of Hippo, a great church leader that wrote an autobiography where he confessed to being upset with himself over past sexual addictions.

But you say a lot of it is because of the punishment--I suppose that is the key. Maybe admit you made a huge mistake (whole heartedly), ask him how he would punish you for your mistake, maybe it will give you more insight into what part of the punishment is bothering him the most. Make sure he knows that you are proud of his transformation, and you don't hold his past mistake against him.

If that doesn't work, quit bringing it up. Tell him that you will only talk about it if he brings it up, and go on with your lives like it never happened. It might take a while, but if you give him enough space and enough trust, maybe he will come to you about it later.

Until then, maybe try bonding with him in other ways--things that he enjoys. I hope at least some of this helps. Good luck!!

Answer 3

Keep talking to him. One talk won't be enough. Explain to him that your punishing him was the only way you could protect him and that your actions were completely out of love. You didn't punish him because you didn't love him anymore, but because you love him so much you had to do whatever it took to correct the behavior. As a parent, it is your job to not only love your kids, but to protect them and to teach them how to be a contributing member of society. Sometimes that takes actions that don't make either you or the kids feel good, but the fact that you are trying to help him grow as a human means you love him more than anything. Also explain that he doesn't need to feel guilty. He made a mistake. Sometimes we have to make the mistake to learn the lesson. Everyone makes mistakes and it won't be the last one he makes. That doesn't matter. The point is to learn from life. He can't expect to be perfect. If this doesn't work after a while, be sure to get into some family counseling. Most teenagers go through phases like this trying to figure out who they are, but this is a little beyond that. Just keep talking to him. ADDITION: Don't move to a counselor until you are sure you have done everything you can. If you start treating your child like he has problems, he will certainly feel like something is wrong with him. Kids deal with things like this. Just help him deal with his gulit and let him know it's okay to move on, having learned a very valuable lesson.

Answer 4

Keep showing him that the past is in the past. That everything is forgiven and forgotten. Do not bring up the past if at all possible unless it is to tell someone who is asking that everything is all settled. Feelings of guilt are common. A counselor could help him work through those feelings.

Answer 5

He need therapy and your family too, there are free or very cheap at the Universities in the psychology dpt. if you do not have enough money to pay a private one. Maybe the counselor at school could help to, but it is urgent to get the help specially for your son.

Answer 6

You need to take to you son and find out why he do depressed. Get more people to his age around so that he can socialize. If he is never at ease around you I am wondering what exactly did you guys do to him. Show him that you love him and that he is wanted.

Answer 7

Maybe family counseling would be a good start. Also just try doing things with him that show him you do still love him. Take him out places with just you and your wife. I'm sure he'll heal, but it will take some time. good luck and stay strong for him.

Answer 8

If God produced us with easy kids we would never have to learn, never give up onhim no matter what and i promise you he will end up find as a adult just help him in any way possible.

Answer 9

Say, "I'd rather have you resent me than lose you to gangs, drugs, anything that could take your life. That's a risk I took."

Answer 10

take him to a doctor-they have some very good medications out there now that would help him.