Please correct this sentence for me, thanks?

Question

According to your figure, exercise intensity, and work, HZ family doctors will work out personalized dietary guidelines for you on the basis of the Food Guide Pyramid published by WHO.

Answer 1

It's really a pretty good sentence. I'd make some editing suggestions thus:

1. What exactly do you mean by "your figure?" Do you mean body weight? If so, I'd change that phrase to "your current weight." If you meant body shape and type, you might use the word "morphology" instead of "weight." You may also say "body type." The word "figure," when referring to people, almost always refers to the curves typical of a female body. It has connotations of femininity and of the female hour-glass body shape. It is not appropriate to use for males' bodies.

2. Typically, dieticians and nutritionists refer to "activity level" rather than "work." Work generally means what you do for employment; "activity level" is a more encompassing term referring to the sum of all the things you do. In fact, "activity level" could also encompass one's exercise activity as well as one's work, which means you could omit the phrase "exercise intensity" completely.

3. "work out" is an acceptable phrase, but "create" is more commonly used in this context.

4. "on the basis of" is a sort of tautology. Try "based upon."

5. "published by" is a passive-voice phrase, and the passive voice should be limited as much as possible in writing for marketing purposes. It can be assumed that the WHO publishes a Food Guide Pyramid, viz. "the WHO Food Guide Pyramid."

Just a question--does the WHO have a food guide pyramid? I'm not familiar. Well what do you know--here it is: http://www.euro.who.int/nutrition/20030404_2

So, following are some suggestions on how your final copy might read:

"According to your morphology and and activity level, HZ family doctors will create personalized dietary guidelines for you based upon the WHO Food Guide Pyramid."

or, "According to your weight, exercise intensity and activity level, HZ family doctors will create personalized dietary guidelines for you based upon the WHO Food Guide Pyramid."

Best wishes. --Chuck

Answer 2

According to your figure, the intensity of your exercise, and your work, HZ family doctors will work out personalized dietary guidelines for you, based on the Food Guide Pyramid published by the USDA.

Answer 3

I see two sentences, just need to be re-worded. What do you mean by 'work' in this sentence, like job or work out? You can add it in but it doesn't seem to fit...maybe another term?

Here's what I would write:

HZ family doctors will work out a personalized dietary guideline for you based on your figure and excercise intensity. These guidelines are based on the Food Guide Pyramid published by the World Health Organization.

Hope this helps.

Answer 4

HZ Family Doctors will work out personalized dietary guidelines for you based on the Food Guide Pyramid according to your figure, intensity of exercise and work.

(I didn't understand the work part - but if you take out the whole Food Guide Pyramid thing it would be better)

Answer 5

Based on your body type, occupation and exercise regimen, HZ family doctors will create your personalized dietary guidelines, following the Food Guide Pyramid published by the World Health Organization.

Answer 6

HZ family doctors will work out personalized dietary guidelines for you using the Food Guide Pyramid published by WHO, based on your age, weight, and height along with your exercise intensity, and work schedule.

Answer 7

Using WHO's published Food Guide Pyramid, HZ family doctors will create your personalized dietary guidelines based on your figure, exercise schedule, and lifestyle.

Answer 8

I prefer it phrased as follows:

HZ family doctors will take into consideration your figure, exercise intensity and work habits to develop personalized dietary guidelines for you that are modeled based upon the WHO's food guide pyramid.

Answer 9

Revise your use of the 2nd person (you). For letters, emails, memos, and notes (such as this), it works fine, but for formal sentences, especially those contained in an essay or article, it is best to avoid it.

Also, you may want to begin with the subject of the sentence instead of adding it as an afterthought:

Doctor's work out personalized dietary guidelines for people based on their figure, on a proposed intensity of exercise.....

Answer 10

Actually looks good to me. If you are speaking the sentence, you need to pay careful attention to the placement of the commas to queue the pauses that will make the sentence understandable.