So, So Depressed. Don't Know How To Go On.?

Question

I am a 19 year old girl who is extremely depressed. I have never felt so low. Like I can't find anything redeeming about the world or myself. My father died at 54 this summer and I am feeling so sad. I feel like I will always have this boring, trivial, ugly life. See, I am also unhappy about my appearance. I was a real ugly duckling when I was younger, so I don't feel confident now that I've (supposedly) changed. I am at the point where I hate my body so much that I WANT to wear it down and cause it pain. I want to be a writer and actress, especially an actress, but am so eaten up with insecurity about it. I don't know if I CAN act and I am terrified of really, truly seeing what I look like on film. I want so much to be ok and happy and pretty and leading an exciting life. I just don't see it in the cards... I don't know why I posted this, but I just needed to let the world know how horribly, terribly, bad I feel.

I know I may sound superficial, but it's about feeling good about myself and feeling confident and attractive. See, whenever I start to feel good about myself, something brings me down. I remember being called ugly as a kid or I go to school and look really fat compared to other girls. See, I look normal until I get to school. I am 5'9" and all of these other girls are five feet and have these tiny bones... I am sick of being the big ugly one...

And it's more than appearance. I am a clumsy, awkward, nervous person... How could I ever think the beautiful world of acting would be for me? I can't find the strength to push my worries away as stupid and nonexistent. I'm so afraid I'll be surprised and confronted with the reality that YES, I really am this ugly and awkward and stupid. People really DO see me this way....

Answer 1

Honey if you want to be an actress bad enough you will go for it, or anything else you want to be. You don't have to please anyone. Just be happy with yourself first. I know loosing your father is very hard. I have a brother dying at 58. If he makes it until Jan. 23, He will be 59. He has ALS. LOU GARROTES decease. Be Thankful for what and who you are. He is trapped in his body, and only has his mind. If you could see his body, and pain. You wouldn't want to cause pain and wear it down. I bet your not an ugly duckling either. Quit beeing so hard on yourself, and see the beauty in you. It is what is in your heart that matters. The most beautiful woman, if she is ugly inside. Her beauty doesn't mean anything.
If you want to see what you look like on film, then do it. You need some positive in your life. Sometimes you have to turn around and say in that mirror. I am beautiful, and if I realy want to do this I have to work for it, and go for it. God Bless, don't do harm to your body that later you will regret.

Answer 2

Honey, stop stressing yourself. You've put a lot of stress on yourself with life in general. I, nor anyone else, can say "this is how you fix this". It's not possible. I can only tell you that if you want to be something (actress, author) that you're going to have to put yourself out there. I'm an author and I'll admit that I LOATHE when anyone I know buys my works... I'm terrified they'll hate it and somehow judge me by it. But I just kinda suck it up and never ever ask what they think . You're young and your self-confidence may build in time. I was the ugly kid that was made fun of a lot (tom-boy ugly... so I'd beat most of the lil' kids up... not that I recommend that...). Now, not the same story. People I used to know are like "wow" and I don't see it because I still have the mindset of the icky tomboy. But the cool thing is that because of that I don't have that uppity attitude that some 'pretty people' have.

I'm sorry to hear about your father, even if death is a natural part of the life cycle it's still always tough to lose a parent, especially at your age.

Many of us go through cycles where we aren't sure if it's worth it anymore... the only thing I can tell you is to be trooper. Be strong enough to seek help if you think you need it (not from Answers, but from a professional). Don't put so much pressure on yourself - you're 19... it's the time of life where you make stupid mistakes that you can laugh at later. And most of all, find some way to find happiness and accept who you are.

Merry met and merry part -- keep your eyes to the stars.

Answer 3

First of all, I am sorry about your father. Losing a parent is very traumatic and I am sure that is a big part of your depression. It also sounds like you have a very low self-esteem too.

I was an ugly duckling too and as I grew I became a swan!

As far as living an exciting life, why don't you find what will be fulfilling for you? Being a writer is great, have you taken classes? Have you joined a writing group? Have you written about your father and how you are feeling?

I strongly suggest you see a counselor to talk about these issues in your life to get you back on track so you can cope and be happier and more productive. Learn to change your thoughts, begin today to stop thinking negatively about yourself, when you do, change those to positive thoughts. It makes all the difference.

You have a lot of living to do, why not start to live if from a better perspective?

Answer 4

I wish I could be there to hug you right now. For starters, I am very impressed with your writing, you seem very intelligent and highly motivated. I suggest you try volunteering somewhere that you can help other people. It is so rewarding and it will help take your mind off your insecurities. You really should try to visit a doctor for medication for depression to help you get through this difficult time in your life. I am so sorry about your father, I know it has to be difficult. Look at tomorrow as a new day and tell yourself that this world is not going to get you down. This world needs intelligent people like you and I believe you can make your dreams come true. I feel honored to have been able to even write to you. You still have your whole life ahead of you and it's up to you what you make of it and I truly believe in you! I hope this helps you sweeite and I'll be looking for you on the big screen.

Answer 5

Check with your local hospital or churches for a grief support group to help you with the death of your father. Only someone who has lost a parent at a fairly young age such as you can give you the support you need. At 19, we still look to our parents for advice and guidance, even though we are legally adults, and that's been taken from you.

I was an ugly duckling too. Moving to another state really helped. I got away from all those horrible kids I went to school with.

There are all sorts of things you can do - go to a gym and your body will look its best. You will feel better emotionally also. Exercise is one of the best anti-depressants there is. I know, I've been there. Your body needs the intake of oxygen and the working of the muscles. And it's fantastic for your health. I can't stress this enough.

Go to some makeup counters at department stores and get advice on how to do your makeup (they will probably appreciate it if you buy something in exchange for a makeover!). Go to a hair stylist and get some advice for your hair. Ask friends or family to recommend a salon.

Get involved in a volunteer activity - volunteer at a nursing home, a hospital or an animal shelter. I guarantee you the people at the nursing home won't care what you look like and will be so grateful for your time. You can also learn from their stories of their youth. I bet more than one of them lost a parent at a fairly young age.

Schedule a doctor's appointment and make sure you have no major health issues, such as blood sugar fluctuations. S/he may refer you to a psychiatrist. Psychiatric medication can be a band-aid until you heal emotionally, or you may need it long-term, but only a psychiatrist can make that decision. Family doctors are usually hesitant to prescrive psychotropic medication, but they can rule out other physical problems. Also ask for a referral to a counselor or social worker and make sure that person has at least a master's level education. They can help you discuss your feelings and plan a course of action. Sometimes all it takes is another person to encourage and believe in you.

Answer 6

I am very sorry about your father. I bet he would be really sad to know how you are doing right now. Even though I do not know you or your dad I am sure he would want you to carry on and try to be happy.

I am a singer/songwriter and I use my pain to write my songs and it is an amazing outlet.

I also used to cause my body pain because I was in so much that I did not know what to do.

One day I just decided that I was sick of feeling sorry for myself and I started to take control of my life. Even though I was sick with anger, rejection, bitterness, and frustation I came out on top.

I still get really down on myself sometimes and feel ugly but that comes from the inside and we represent on the outside how we feel inside. Please try to use your pain for the good. Write some short stories or maybe try music. Put on some bright lipstick, paint your toenails, and get a nice outfit. Go the park or the beach and just reflect.

I hope this helps because I have been where you are and it really is an awful place and I feel for you but it is up to you to change you. No one else can.

Answer 7

Uma Thurman used to say that about her appearance. What you are going thru has no instant cure. You are clinically depressed which for most people means a need for a doctor and a prescription. If you had pneumonia with a fever of 104 would you go to the Dr? yes. If you were hit by a car and had broken bones would you go to a Dr? yes. You are sick and please seek a doctor right away. It really will help, and after 3 or 4 weeks you'll be MUCH better.

Answer 8

I really don't know what to say, but I too for a tI'me went the way your going . The only way I found peace within myself is by becoming a Christian, while I'm not telling you to do so I must say that It has helped me get past my insecurities . Although I still do eventually feel that im too fat, or ugly w/e . I don't think I helped much, but my point is that you should be happy with who you are and forget about your insecurities .

Answer 9

Hi Sweetheart, get some help. You are obviously articulate and able to express yourself by what I just read. Put a sign on your mirror, simply saying, I Love Myself. Think about the love your Dad shared with you, and find away to get some help.
I lost my Mom when I was Eleven, to a car accident. I waited till I was 35 to get help. I was a promising musician, vocalist, Actor, anything I wanted to do I could. But I went for the booze, and drugs to kill the pain and lost whatever opportunities I had. Ended Up in the Navy being told what to wear, when to get up,when to eat, and last but not least where to go. It was were I needed to be because even with everything I had going on I was good at what I did. I took care of wounded Marines, and Sailors. Got out still screwed around then went back in, got more training and a wife to anchor me. I have kids and Grand Kids. If you were one of mine I would hug you, hold you, and take you for help. Take care Sweet.

Answer 10

Logo,

Your post made me very sad. I'm so sorry that you lost your father.

First, you are an ideal height! My Mom is 6' tall and my Dad is 6'4" tall. I'm 5'5"...darned recessive gene.

Go ahead and wear your body down. Go to the gym and lift weights and take aerobics classes. Your school probably has a gym you can use for free. Take your sadness and frustrations out in the gym or take up running.

You'll release endorphins and before you know it, you will look at your reflection and say "WOW! Who is that?! It's ME!!!!!!"