I'm engaged to a lovely woman but money has become an issue and put a strain on our relationship. I'm expected to pay a dowry to her parents before she'll marry me. It's more than I can afford. I suggested we elope but she ignored this suggestion and persisted with dowry. I'm wondering would she have eloped if she loved me enough. I haven't actually met her parents yet(they're a bit far away) but she has told them all about me and how much she wants to marry me. I know couples who are not married, but have children and live together and are in good strong relationships and both sets of parents have good relationships with them. That is partly why I feel my situation is unfair. Is it me or her that's being unreasonable here?
2006-12-07 12:59:28 · 44 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
We're from different ethnic backgrounds. It's(dowry) tradition where she comes from.
2006-12-07 13:07:03 · update #1
OK, if you and your fiance live in the USA and are citizens here, then her family should respect your feelings on this matter. It is not a custom here and if they continue to persue it, then she should go back to her country where a man is willing to "pay" for his woman. Here in the US its called prostitution! (or lifestyles of the rich and famous!!) A woman should NEVER have to be paid for. It degrades us as a whole and your fiance should stand up for her rights as a woman in the US. I get the whole deal about traditions, but this is one that is just a little outdated. Besides, whos to say you won't put all of this money out just to have her leave you high and dry? She says she loves you and if you do this, then I hope your marriage lasts through the ages but I would ask a lawyer how to secure your money should your relationship not work out.
2006-12-07 13:29:14 · answer #1 · answered by DRbeachbum 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are Indian or from one of the Mid-eastern or African countries then, of course, the social custom of your country is likely that a dowry be paid. In order to remain within the con-scribes of such a society then it would be normal to expect a dowry. If you are from the Americas, Australia, or western Europe then the idea of a dowry is ridiculous. If you are marrying for love then you should firmly let your "lovely woman" and her family know that paying a dowry is tantamount to buying her as a chattel and you are not having any part of it. If you want to live in the past or in a western style democracy you will be okay. If you go back to your origins where dowry is a custom then you will be ridiculed and not respected and treated as if you feel your woman is not worth the bride price.
2006-12-07 13:13:40 · answer #2 · answered by Donald W 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
This is so last century
I would tell her parent that I will provide well for your daughter and take care of our new family will be using the dowry to do that .
I would tell your future bride that as well.
As long as you can get married without parents permission in your country I would do it.
Stick up for yourself they the parents will never respect you if you don't. Be the man! In America and most counties of the world they do not do this practice.
I know my friend in India who was working there with the American military married a Hindi girl and her parents wanted dowry He told the parents he would give her a good life a beautiful home which is what he did, in Utah so they agreed no dowry
good luck
Diane
2006-12-07 13:11:28 · answer #3 · answered by dianehaggart 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you truly love each other and are meant to be together, the money will work itself out. However, if you have differences in cultural or parental expectations, those things are best resolved in advance anyway, before you get emotionally involved any further. Can you see a counselor who can talk you through this to see if you are compatible or if you have different paths in life?
The Catholic church offers premarital counseling and classes where money is one of the issues that both partners have to agree how to handle, or else it will cause much unhappiness, stress and strife. Why not resolve that now, and then decide?
Note: Do not elope as you still need to resolve this first, regardless how you end up. You don't want to marry someone if you are not right for each other. So address and resolve your differences first, and that will reveal very clearly where you stand with each other and your families.
If she has not met your family, or your parents have not met hers, that is also very revealing, so I recommend that if you are seriously considering marriage. If you are right for each other, maybe both families would help. If you are not, it will be clear.
2006-12-07 13:08:41 · answer #4 · answered by emilynghiem 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe when u tell them that in ur culture the brides family pays for the whole wedding, and she wants this huge 600 guest thing, they will not complain as much.
Seriously u will have to compromise if u want to stay with her. If she was American I would say yea she would marry u anyway if she loved u. But shes not. So maybe she does love u but she loves her parents too and wants all of u to be happy.
I think her parents r the ones being unreasonable. She is in a bad position between u and them. And u are in a bad position not being able 2 afford what they want plus not understanding why they want it. Really it is not fair 4 them to do this to her. Maybe if you say it that way she will see why u want to elope.
2006-12-07 16:52:14 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Is a dowry customary where you live? Usually the woman provides a dowry, and the man must just pay a bride price (not 'just', but you know what I mean). If a payment to the brides parents is customary, you'll have a harder time winning her over, and her parents may never accept you. You're asking her to choose between the man she loves, and the family she's had all her life. You both need to compromise if you want a relationship that works. Maybe you could pay them in installments?
2006-12-07 13:02:32 · answer #6 · answered by They call me ... Trixie. 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Talk to her and see if there is a compromise. You need to state that if you cannot afford the dowry (that will go to the parents) then how can you two afford to live together. She needs to understand that in this age (and most likely your country) married couples look after each other and family comes after that. It's very expensive to live and you need all the savings you have. Good luck.
2006-12-07 13:14:04 · answer #7 · answered by buzybee 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
money has indeed become an issue... to you. you ask if she would elope with you if she loved you enough. ask yourself the very same thing... would you be willing to give a dowry if you love her enough? if giving a dowry is a part of her culture (it may be a religious practice for some) can you accept her for that?
no you shouldnt end it for that reason only.
yes you are being unreasonable.
talk to her and her family about the matter and explain how you feel about it. maybe they can enlighten you too about their reasons for this. and hopefully they will understand that you are willing to give but just can't afford it...financially. love is deep but your pocket is not.
2006-12-07 13:18:53 · answer #8 · answered by Jeproks A 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It may be your culture to expect a dowry, but not in this country USA. The parents seem to be putting a strain on you and it seems to not be healthy for your relationship. What do you feel in your heart? Have a good talk with your lady and if it is that important and you feel it is a strain....and can't work it out...best move on now than later....good luck!
2006-12-07 13:04:24 · answer #9 · answered by Sammyleggs222 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If she really loves you she wouldn't care about the dowry.
She is being very unreasonable and if she won't marry you without a dowry, you are better off in the long run by leaving.
2006-12-08 13:43:49 · answer #10 · answered by Terri 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋