parents in blended families how should i handle this?

Question

My husbands exwife and i do not get along.She hates me because i married her husband (no he did not leave her for me).I can't stand her because she uses her son as bait to control my husband.Plus she has made it very clear she wants me to have nothing to do with thier 8yr old son.Heres the problem my husband and i always have our own b-day/x-mas/graduation party for his son with our family and his ex has her own party with her family for thier son.She always invites my husband only never me to the parties even when she knows we already had one for his son.My husband always says i can go too but how would u feel going to a party where u know u are not welcome.i went once and she and her family spent the whole time glaring at me not fun.My husband hates her as much as i do but he always goes for his son's sake.I feel as long as we have our own party for his son there is no reason for him to go to the one she is having. Its the ex that always invites him too not his son.

Answer 1

I agree with you - ex-spouses having seperate parties for a child's birthday (etc.) should not have to attend each other's celebration. I am sure all would be more comfortable if you and your husband celebrated with the boy on your own. The father can explain to the boy that it is so wonderful to have him here all to himself - and he is sure the mother would be happier without the father at her celebration, so we are just gonna stop this year. No big deal.

I am now 40 and have 5 "parents" (plus in laws) in my life and nobody really gets along. The only time we make them all get together is when we have a wedding, or other major family event that can't be done seperately. There is no reason to keep putting people that don't like each other in the same room - it doesn't help anyone, least of al the kids, in my opinion.

Peace!

Answer 2

Inheriting a child from divorce is very hard. It's hard not just for the parents but for the child also. I have an 11 year old son who lives with me and my ex-wife lives somewhere else. I have been in situations where I have had to fly to pick up my son and stay at my ex-wife's home for the evening before we catch a flight home. I know how awkward it is to be in someone else's home, even though we are civil people. You and your husband are not obligated to go to a secondary party given by the ex-wife. This is something you and your husband have to face. Your life with your husband is between you and him. The time his son spends with his mom is his other family. If you have a party for him, great. If his mom has a party for him, good for her. As your stepson gets older he will understand more the separation of families and learn to accept it. Just love him the way you would love your own children and everything will be fine.

Answer 3

Been there done that and still going through it. My ex is a jerk but for the most part we can all do things together for the kids and everyone be civil and enjoy it, my husbands ex is spiteful and it makes for very unpleasant get togethers so they too started doing things on their own for the kids and special occassions. At first his ex always invited him so that she could "show off" what she was doing for their child and when he got to looking around he saw that the kids were actually tense because they were picking up on his emotions. He sat down before a party for his son and explained to him that although he loved him we had already had our deal with him and this was for him and his mother and he thought he would have just as much fun if not more if he stayed at home. His kids were fine with it. Now we always have a dinner or small party with them on our own and then they do their thing with their mom and they have enjoyed it a lot more. Kids of divorce have got it hard but they have to see mom and dad as seperate units and not as a family anymore. Your husband is their for his kids with his events and being a part of their life he doesn't have to go to a party to show his child that he loves him. At 8 the boy should be talked to and have it explained that way. If his ex and her family could treat you with respect then it would be different but your husband always going and leaving you behind knowing how you feel is letting her know she wins and he is choosing her and their son over you.

Answer 4

My parents divorced when I was about a year old and my brother was around 2 or 3. My family ALWAYS invited my dad to things. Both my parents had remarried. Problem was with my dad he only showed up for one thing ever. My brothers 12th birthday party. Maybe if you look at things through your step son's eyes. I was devstated when my dad never showed up for any of my birthdays. We would have our own events with our dad and step mom too. but I wanted him to be a part of the family. I loved my dad very much. So next time you find your self in this situation, think about how the son will feel when his dad does not show up. Think f the sad little boy sitting at the window waiting and waiting for his dad.... And just because she invites your hubby, doesn't mean that he didn't ask her to or tell her that he wanted his dad there. There could be more to the story than you may know.

Answer 5

I know what you mean, I've seen this from my parents. The way it works best is:

She shouldn't invite your husband, that's a pretty weak shot at you. I realize that some people can be divorced and still be friends, but it's really a bad idea. If my mom were to invite my dad to my party or the other way around, I'd just about crap myself. It'd be weird. Now, graduations/weddings...all parental-units should be there, but not individual parties I wouldn't think.

Sorry, i bet that's VERY awkward. Don't let her get to you too much and I would probably ask your husband no to go, but.... this is a toughy.

Answer 6

well, I can feel your pain. But I can feel that little boy's pain even more. Been there done that, and if you really care about your husband and his son, you'll let him go to those parties (for his son's sake). I know that it's hard to do, but it's really an amazing feeling to see that your dad and your mom (even though they're divorced ) are able to celebrate your birthday together without any altercations. My advice is to support your husband and don't worry....She'll get her's. What goes around comes around.

Answer 7

This lady has serious emotional issues, and it sounds like she got them from her family. The hard but correct thing to do would be to have your husband lay down the law with her. He shouldn't go to things to which you aren't invited, period. It sounds like she is relishing in his willingness to let you stay away. The 8 year old by now is old enough to understand what is going on. As long as you are also showing him the appreciation you should be, I wouldn't worry at all about her.

Answer 8

If you and your husband have a seperate party for his son, then he really DOESN'T have to go to the party his ex gives for the boy. His son is old enough to explain to, that his dad and you give him one party and the party his mom gives is for him to enjoy alone with her and that side of the family.

Answer 9

i don't know

its best when everybody tries to get along

my mother in laws first husband built a Summer home for her and her current husband. Maybe he felt some guilt about something or other. Anyway, wow that was a nice thing to do. I would try to be like that I think.

Answer 10

Your husband is feeling guilty because of his limited time with his son. I think your husband should explain to his son that you guys have a special birthday party for him and that his mom has a special birthday party with her family. I would NOT want my husband to go somewhere that I was not welcome. GRRRRR!!! Unfortunately, it's his son and this is one of the many problems that current wives have to put up with, with blended families.