My daughter is 3. Does not know her biological father- he left when i was pregnant, stalked us afterwards- harrassed- then one night attacked me in the parking lot to my apartment complex and i wound up hospitalized. I have had a restraining order on him since and he lost his parental rights to our daughter due to his insanity. My husband has adopted her. She has a good life now. I received a letter from his mother a few weeks ago stating that he is dying and would like to get to know his daughter in the few short months he has left. She stated that he'd been through counseling and drug and alcohol rehab and is doing better and regrets the mistakes he made and asked for photographs of our daughter to give him. I wrote her back saying I wouldn't send photographs because the stalking would start again and that I didn't think a relationship was a good idea because our daughter doesn't know him. I feel guilty about it though, was I right? Or am I being selfish?
2006-12-07 06:55:08 · 24 answers · asked by Jennifer F 6 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Other - Pregnancy & Parenting
She's 3- she has no idea she's even adopted. She will know when she's old enough to understand but for right now, we're trying to keep things as simple as possible.
Also, in the letter, the mother had mentioned that our daughter must be getting big and asked what grade she's in- they don't even know how old she is- this bothers me because surely if he did care- he would remember what year she was born..
2006-12-07 07:10:20 · update #1
I think that it's possible for him to change. Can you ask for a letter from him counselor verifying that he has made changes in his life? If she was able to send a letter to you then she already knows how to reach you so I don't think there's any harm in sending a few pictures.
He definately gave up his rights to your daughter the minute he left you and attacked you! But if he's been through counseling/rehab it's possible he's changed. And if he's dying and HE apologizes it might be nice to at least send him pics.
Good luck!
2006-12-07 07:00:04 · answer #1 · answered by Ali D 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think your selfish because the man did hurt you. Your just looking out for the well being of you and your child as a good mother should. But he is dying and that is his daughter. Although he did choose to leave when she was first brought into the world. I suggest you take some steps to make sure he has changed, maybe you should go see him with your husband to check him out. If every thing seems cool, give him some pictures, and maybe let him meet the daughter but introduce him as a friend of the family or something. If all goes accordingly further down the line when she gets older she can know the truth. If you don't do this she could grow up and blame you for denying her the chance to meet her real father.
2006-12-07 15:09:14 · answer #2 · answered by key key 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
wow, well, that's a toughie. I do not think you are being mean. I think you are protecting yourself, your daughter and your husband. I'm sure you feel like you are being very paranoid, and you might be, but i can kind of understand how you feel, what if he isn't really ill? i say send him one picture and a letter stating some of the things tht she has done growing up. and then never contact him again. of course, if the restraining order is still in effect, then you will be breaking it and that may cause problems if he does start stalking you. remember, he is not the baby's "father" anymore. he has no repsonsibilities or rights towards her. her father is the man who cared enough to adopt her and is helping you raise her. in the end, it's up to you, but i would just do the bare minimum to salve your own conscience, since you do feel guilty, and then leave it at that. She doesn't know him and she doesn't have to.
2006-12-07 15:02:08 · answer #3 · answered by Donna L 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There's nothing selfish about wanting to protect your little girl! I wouldn't take the mom's word for it...mothers will do anything for their OWN children (you know that!). And you do have a point, she doesn't know him as her father. She's 3, she wouldn't even understand any of it! I don't think you should turn her world upside down for this until you find out for SURE what is going on w/ him. If it turns out that he IS recovered, then I would think about it a little more. But honestly, not a whole lot, b/c his scenario doesn't change the fact that she's still 3 and couldn't grasp that this strange man is actually her biological father.
2006-12-07 15:01:53 · answer #4 · answered by luvablelds 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
NO-U ARE NOT MEAN U ARE A MOM.
i am married and i have a daughter but my husband its not her biological father.her father its something like ur daughters father and if he will ever want to see his daughter i wont let him-even if he is dying and he is sorry and u wanna know why?bcs when i told him i am pregnant he left me.in that moment when he left me it wa clear for me that he doesnt wants the baby so he lost any kind of right that he could have had beeing her father.in the moments when u were pregnant or when u delivered her he wasnt there to hold ur hand or to take her in his arms when she was 3 months old and she had tummy cramps and u needed some rest-he was into drugs or alcohol.why now he wants to see her?bcs he is dying?NO WAY!why should u care?did he care?NOPE
and now lets dont think about ur feelings lets think about ur baby.is her natural father a person she can learn something from?a person that she can trust?a maybe friend?someone she will be able to rely when she will grow?(bcs i think his few months are fake).i dont think so.is there any good thing to happen for ur daughter if she will meet him?dont think of him-think of ur daughter.
take care and i know u will make the right decision
2006-12-08 00:45:31 · answer #5 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
NO your not being mean at all!!! I got pregnant with my daughter after an ex-boyfriend raped me and I'll tell you right now that if he wanted anything to do with my little girl there is no way in hell I would allow it! Your little girl doesn't need to know the man that donated his sperm she has her daddy just like my daughter! Sick to your gun's I think your completely right. Your looking out for what's good for your baby. You are a good parent.
2006-12-07 15:40:20 · answer #6 · answered by jenpoesavon 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally think you're doing the right thing. You are only looking out for your daughter's well being. Don't feel guilty for putting your child first honey, as a mom, that's your job.
2006-12-07 14:59:11 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wow... this is tough. I think it's something you definitely need to talk about with your husband. How does he feel? If you both agree that you do not need this guy seeing your daughter or getting to know her at all, then I would say no... you're not being mean. You're looking out for her well being. Best of luck.
2006-12-07 14:58:49 · answer #8 · answered by Dubs82 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Coming from someone who does not know their father, I think you should let her spend sometime with him, but first take precautions about it. Ask who the doctor is that he went to and confirm that he is dieing. Just to be safe. I think if you decide to let her see him, You should have a person you trust to be present during the visitation. Maybe he wants to make it right, but on the other hand it could cause some emotional problems for the child to find out the father she knows isn't her father. I would know, but Hey it's your choice and I don't think your mean, your just being concerned and cautious. Good Luck.
2006-12-07 15:05:43 · answer #9 · answered by nothing 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
You are absolutely right in protecting your daughter. Stick to your gut feeling on this! You have been through enough with this man. He does not deserve the honor of "getting to know your daughter."
I'm sorry for his impending death, but it can't undo any of the bad that he's done already.
2006-12-07 15:03:52 · answer #10 · answered by Starla_C 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋