I am 22 yrs old, the eldest of 4 children. Throughout my whole life I have watched my father verbally and mentally abuse my mother (and at times my siblings and I). He calls her horrible names, and puts her down. I feel angry, just watching her completely helpless. I am not siding with my mother; I try to look at the situation as objectively as possible. He twists everything around she does and says to make her seem like a horrible person, and that he is the one suffering. For example; he tells her that she yells, but in reality she does not. He yells when someone does or says one little thing he does not like. I watch him "attach" her for no reason at all. I have observed that he acts as though he is in charge, and it does not matter what anyone else thinks or feels. Only his feelings seem to matter. I believe he is insecure and does this to feel superior. I am tired of him treating my mother this way. I have tried to confront my father before, but then I get it too. Any suggestions?
2006-12-07 04:59:28 · 25 answers · asked by trenchwatch 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
xxxxgatex- My mother is not playing the helpless victim. On the contrary, it is my father who plays the victim, which makes the situation more confusing.
2006-12-09 14:58:44 · update #1
Sure you have a right to confront him. Doesn't sound like that will get you anywhere though. You might be better off talking to your mom. Ultimately, she's the one who's choosing to live with the abuse.
2006-12-07 05:02:16 · answer #1 · answered by alighier 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have every right to tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and makes people feel bad. But sit down and talk to him....if he is not willing to have a conversation, like and adult, then u end it there, even if he starts yelling, u tell him that when he lowers his voice and can speak to u like an adult that u will continue the conversation then, and only then. Ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around, and if people treated him like that? and tell him that the next time he feels like "attacking" someone, to think about it first, and put himself in their shoes before he even utters a word.
Is ur dad old school? If so, it very well may be a superiority thing, where he feels like he needs to be the boss of the house. Explain to him that things r not like that anymore and ask him how he would feel if someone treated u that way? That normally hits home, bc no father wants to see someone mistreat his children.
Good luck!
2006-12-07 05:05:15 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stand up for yourself! You have every right to be honest with your father about the way he was treating you, your mother, and the rest of your siblings. He has no right to be verbally and mentally abusive towards your mother and if your mother was brave enough to stand up to him, she would've left him a long time ago. Your mother doesn't need to deal with him anymore so she needs to leave him and move on with her life! I think that your father is making himself look like an idiot by being selfish and thinking more about himself than the family and you and your younger siblings ALWAYS COME FIRST!!!!! Also, talk to your mother on how she feels about the way he's treating her, and see what you can do to help her GET OUT of the relationship! Good luck to you and I hope my advice helps you!
2006-12-07 05:06:06 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me tell you my situation. My dad did the same thing to us. When I moved out I went back to confront him for all that he did to me my whole life. He just sat there and took it, what was he going to do attack me, I would have just left. That was the first time in 21 yrs of life I ever saw him cry. If you no longer live with him, give it a try. I am not saying he will change, because mine didn't. I am 31 now and he still treats me like I am 5. Of course I also have not spoke to him in like 3 yrs, because of the way he is. My mom left him when he threatened to slit her throat while holding a steak knife in his hand.
All I can tell you is give it a try and see what happens, there is a chance it could get better, but most likely not. People who are like that, don't change very easily. I am hoping that when I get pregnant he will see the error of his ways in order to be in my child's life. We will see. Have a good day and good luck!
2006-12-07 07:50:12 · answer #4 · answered by la_southern_femme 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You certainly have the right to do so, but if he has been doing this during your entire life and your mother has been putting up with I don't think it would have much of an effect except maybe to alienate you from him (which might not be a problem). You might have more luck talking to your mother about it first, if you already haven't tried that. Sometimes abusive relationships take two willing partners, sad to say. Good luck!
2006-12-07 05:03:38 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry you are going through this. I would sit down with him, as the eldest child, and tell him how things seem to you and how he makes you and your family feel. If he can't sit down rationally and speak to you, then there is no help for him. He does need to be told that he has a problem. Only he can change himself, but he might not even see that he is hurting his family this way. I hope the best for you and hope that helps.
2006-12-07 05:03:39 · answer #6 · answered by Manna 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Of course you have the right. There are things to consider though. Will it make things worse for Mom? She is the one that needs to change things. You are old enough to leave, she can't do that...or won't do that. Counseling would help, but he probably won't go. Is there anyone that he has respect for that might talk to him? A minister or friend? You could try, but chances are it would alienate you from the family further.
I was married to a man like that, I wised up. I hope your mom can too! God bless.
2006-12-07 05:05:56 · answer #7 · answered by Bev 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would absolutley confront him and let him know just how he makes you feel .As far as your mother that lady needs to stand her ground .As long as you say nothing ,there will be no change. Accept nothing less than inporvment from him otherwise walk away until he decides to work on himself to be a better fatherand spouse.Unfortunatly there is nothing you can do to make him change .However telling him how you feel and making it clear you will not tolerate his behavior towards you is a start at healing for yourself .Remember this is his problem not yours or the rest of the family. make him be responsible for his actions by saying no i won't do this anymore and mean it by following through . good luck to you .No one desreves to be abused.
2006-12-07 05:08:51 · answer #8 · answered by sparklin_aries_4167 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I kinda know what your going through hun. Unfortunately it is very hard for someone to change the older they are. People get used to what they do and think that it's ok. I have an ex boyfriend who sounds just like your dad. I had to leave him to get him to realize that you can't treat people like that. Of course you can't make your mother leave your dad that's something she'd have to do for herself. I'm not saying she should divorce him either but sometimes people take the ones around them for granted and it takes something drastic to shake them out of it. I hope this answer helps you out some even if it's not what you want to hear.
2006-12-07 05:10:30 · answer #9 · answered by Lasynda Hope Silverblade 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your mother will have to defend herself against him...all you can do is be supportive. If he's attacking you, then by all means, confront him. If he's physically abusive, you all may want to group together and offer your mom a way out. Sounds like a very unhappy, unhealthy situation
2006-12-07 05:03:49 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋