Might it be me who's difficult?

Question

When people know I haven't spoken to my sister for years (we're polite but by no means friends) and I stopped speaking to my uncle, that they think I must be a very argumentative person. My father passed away just over two years ago, I was very close to him. Within weeks my mum struck up a relationship with a man she courted before meeting my dad. I didn't want my mum to be lonely, I found her moving on without appearing to grieve for my dad very difficult. Anyway she married him six months ago. In the speech, my mums brother announced how pleased he was that his sister had FINALLY FOUND A GOOD MAN........... I was horrified. It sounded like the fifty years my mother had suffered years of abuse. (My father was one of the nicest, kindest hard working men I've ever known) My uncle knows how upset I was (still am) and I left the reception. He shows no remorse and hasn't apologised. Am I wrong to think that he should?

I should add, my dad had a rare form of cancer and the specialists had told my mum he would never live to see me be born. Fortunately, he pulled through. He told me when I was 18, that all he'd prayed for was to see his wife and children grow up and be healthy and independent and that if he died the next day, he'd had what he wanted out of his life. My mum says she is just so grateful for every year she had with him that to mourn him would seem wrong when she could have lost him before I was born...I'm not saying their relationship was perfect, but they had a very good, loving happy marriage. My uncle had always given the impression that he admired my dad, which is why I was so shocked and hurt by his words... I didn't want him to bad mouth my new stepfather but I feel he could have said something like 'she's fortunate enough to have found another good man'.

Answer 1

That was rude of him to say, I would be horrified as well.
He definately owes you an apology, that was your Dad that he put down, and thats just wrong. I am a "daddy's girl" and always will be!!!!

Answer 2

It is really hard to say. Do you think you could have took the message the wrong way? The only way you would know is if you asked your uncle. Also it could be that your uncle and your dad did not get along for some reason unknown to you, he may have meant what he said but, I am sure it was not meant to hurt you. He could have used differnet words that may not have offended anybody. I know from experience when it comes to someone you lost like your father or mine it is not hard to be offended when somebody does or says something negative towards them. Just remember as I do how wonderful they were to you and nobody can say or do anything to change that. Remeber, all relationships whether it be friends, family, etc. are different. Also try to talk with your sister. If you push your family away, what have you accomplished then?

Answer 3

Well one of life's lessons is not to assume that people are going to do what you expect them to do or say. People are not obligated to do anything. I am not saying that what he did was right because honestly he should have considered how you felt about the situation before he said it in front of people. As for your sister we all know that we simply can not get along with siblings from time to time but no matter how much of a pain in the a$$ your sister is life is to short and you never know when the day is our last day and you want to try not to live with regrets if you can help it. As far as your mother everybody grieves in different ways. It sounds to me like she was looking to fill the void of love in her life. Some people heal in many different ways. Or here is another thought; you never really know what type of relationship your parents had because what they displayed to you might not have been the real deal. So maybe once you have gotten pass the bitterness that you feel towards her you can go to her and ask her what type of relationship did your father and her have, and why did she feel the need to marry someone so soon. I hope that this helps a little.

Answer 4

What does your mom think about that?

Didn't she feel like you did? I mean, your dad was her husband of so many years ( was that 50 you said? Wow), and yet she did not find anything wrong with the remark? What kind of a wife was she? And what kind of a husband was he? And why did they marry and stay together if they didn't love each other enough to object when a third person badmouthed either of them?

And what were the relations like between your dad and uncle?

Your uncle obviously said something hurtful deliberately. And he's a coward for doing that, knowing that your dad is not around to defend himself, tell him that what he said was really objectionable, and if he doesn't apologise, when he dies, you are going to do the devil's advocate act and trash his reputation on his funeral ( may it come soon) and say that he was a pedophile and tried to rape you when you were twelve !

Answer 5

yes u r mom needs to be with someone that's true but i do agree with u on the part that she should have grieved over him but sometimes we grieve in different ways we try to hide it at times so others don't see it ..an i think that saying that she found a good man was wrong of them too say i didn't know u r folks but still not nice an i can see where u would b up set with u r mom seeing another man i am going thought that now i met a woman an her daughter has the same fillings an i am trying to work though that not sure i can i all ready toled her that her girl had to approve of us going out my heart gos out too ya just try too see both sides

Answer 6

No, but who cares what other people think. Maybe you have to seperate your relationship with you and your parents ...from your parents old relationship with each other. Your uncle is only lookin at it on the parent-to-parent perspective....of course you want to stick up for your father because you love him! But don't take it too deeply... i understand how upset you may be. Just be happy that you are happy knowing how good of a father he was to you and be happy that your mom is happy...as you would want your child to be if you were in the same situation...good luck!

Answer 7

Granted it was a stupid and rude thing for your Uncle to say, but life is short and as long as your mom's happy then it really doesn't matter what was said. It's been six months, that should be long enough time to be mad about it. Slowly make peace with your Uncle, this is not worth losing him over.

Answer 8

I would be extremely mad by what your uncle said but unless you talk to your mom and find out if there were problems in their relationship you may be the one being difficult...

I do think that your uncle should say something in a form of apology or explain his actions... Since this was a wedding, he may have just said this since he was in a wedding though of mind....

For your mom to move on so fast, there must be something....

Answer 9

I Would Talk To Your Uncle. I Feel He Should Apologize But If He Chooses Not To Its His Choice.

Answer 10

You're wrong if you think he knows you expect him to show remorse and apologize to you. Unless you've expressed exactly how you feel and what you want him to do, yes, you're wrong. Not everyone thinks before they speak. It's possible he put his foot in his mouth without any ill feelings towards your father. Hold a grudge if you think that's what your dad would have wanted. Otherwise, you're only hurting yourself by carrying this in your heart for all these months.