Is this normal?

Question

I had a live in girlfriend for 2 years, (we were supposed to gt married we hade made all the arrangements) I really loved her, things didnt work out because i was in the military, and we seperated, I last saw her 10 years ago. The break up and being deployed constantly stressed me out where i think i had a nervous breakdown, I lost alot of weight and couldnt function. I went from being frugal, clean, orderly, prompt and punctual to neglecting bills, didnt clean my house up, always late and grabbing clothes out of the dryer.etc etc(I was anti social after awhileI got into trouble and was forced out of the miliary.)


Ive had several relationships and even remaried, (now seperated) but theres not one day that goes by that I think of her everyday, is that normal to still miss and think of her after more than 10 years of not seeing her?

After she left, I would become real agitated with people, So i basically became a recluse, and was drinking quite a bit, about a year later I got into a drunken rage and got a bar to reenlistment and forced out, This anger continued about 4 years after I got out, I even went to jail a couple of times for assault. I went to court ordered anger classes and I finally mellowed out.

PS I havent consumed alchol in more than 5 yrs.

I have 2 girls who split the week with me and current but seperated wife. (been seperated 1 yr now). I think im pretty much a productve citizen now, its just that I think about her everyday, and really would like to stop thinking about her.

Answer 1

You sound like you are depressed, I think that you could benefit from medications and therapy. You are living in the past. You were not ready for the relationship to end. It sounds like you are glamorizing the old relationship and not seeing its flaw/ failures. If you saw your old ex now, you probably would not even recognize her, she would have changed physically and emotionally, she would not be the same person. You are fantasizing for someone that no longer exist. It's normal to miss someone that you loved, but after 10 yrs and a failed marriage- it sounds like you are obsessing. You need to pick up the pieces of your life and start to move on from this point forward. Good luck.

Answer 2

It sounds like depression to me. Seek out proffesional help because depression is a scary SOB. I should know. I have it real bad!

But yes it is normal to still think about just like I tell my friends. First real true loves will always linger in your mind and in your heart.

It could also be the pain of the rejection that she put you through (if thats the case). You just need to get help and start cleaning up again.

And make peace. Thats probably why your past relationships haven't worked.

Answer 3

Missing her and obsessing about her are 2 different things. If your thoughts of her and interfering with your life, then you have to get professional help. You have to let it go. It's over and done. If this is what got you discharged from the military----that is really serious. I hope it wasn't a dishonorable discharge. Your life will continue to get worse unless you get help and get over your feelings. I have the occasional thoughts (about once every 6-8 years) about people I miss through the years.....but it's fleeting.)

Answer 4

Normal???? Hell yeah. My heart goes out to you. It is hard to foresee how different things will affect us and our relationships. You would have had just an inkling of what it would be like in the military let alone just how much of an affect it would have on you. So to be thinking about her now is OK. You are remembering what it was like BEFORE all this stuff happened.

Answer 5

Absolutely normal. But the past is the past. Your obsession with her may be what is getting in your way of having a fulfilling and lasting relationship. The anti social neglecting part could be depression.

Answer 6

Swami Sukhabodhananda
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One youngster comes to me very depressed and asks this question "Why is God creating so many difficulties for us? How to handle stress?" I tell this youngster to reflect on this beautiful story:

A man goes to a shop, picks up a beautiful cup and says "my god this cup is so beautiful" and suddenly the cup starts talking to the man. The cup starts saying "O man, I am beautiful right now, but what was the state of my being before the pot-maker made me a beautiful pot?

Before I was sheer mud and the pot-maker pulled me out of the mud from the mother earth and I felt why that pot-maker is so cruel, he has separated me from mother earth. I felt a tremendous pain. And the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then he put me and churned me, when I was churned I felt so giddy, so painful, so stressful, I asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then he put me into a oven and heated me up, I felt completely burnt. There was tremendous pain and I asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" and the pot-maker said, "Just wait."

Then he poured hot paint on me and I felt the fume and the pain, I again asked the pot-maker "Why are you so cruel?" and the pot-maker said, "Just wait." Then again he put me into an oven and heated it to make me more strong, I felt life is so painful hence pleaded the pot-maker and the pot-maker said, "Just wait." And after that the pot-maker took me to the mirror and said, "Now look at yourself". And surprisingly I found myself so beautiful.

When god gives us lot of trouble, it appears god is very cruel but we need patience and we have to wait. When bad things happen to good people, they become better and not bitter.

So all difficulties are part of a cosmic design to make us really beautiful. We need patience, we need understanding, we need the commitment to go through in a very calm and wise way. So all difficulties are not to tumble us but to humble us.

With this understanding, let us not be against difficulty. Understand difficulty is a part of a purifying process. A purifying process at present which we cannot understand and hence we need faith and we need trust.

Let us understand how to handle stress with this background. You can be affected by stress from two angles. There is an internal stress and there is an external stress. Nobody can avoid stress; one has to only manage stress. Managing stress can be internal and also external.

The internal stress is; your thoughts can create stress, your values can create stress, and your beliefs can create stress, meaning thereby your stress is coming from your mind more from the outer world. Many people suffer not from heart attack - they suffer from thought-attack.

For example, when somebody says you are an idiot, we get so hurt, we get so victimised. My boss has called me an idiot and I am feeling tremendous pain. Now where does this stress come from? If my boss has called me an idiot, I have to ask myself "am I an idiot"?

If I am an idiot nothing to be upset about; and if I am not an idiot, then also nothing to be upset about! It is the perception of the boss. But why do we suffer from that stress? I suffer not because my boss has called me an idiot but because of the thought-attack.

I may say the boss has called me an idiot; therefore I am suffering? It is true that the words are unpleasant. But what hurts is the interpretation of the unpleasant word. The thought in me interprets. That is pain and therefore it becomes pain. Much of our stress is our mind interpreting it as pain. So we suffer from thought-attack more than heart attack.

Answer 7

Its time to confront your issues, everyone here has good input, Time to face reality, and let go of this person, definetly seek help and best of luck to you.

Answer 8

Now it might be the right time to get in touch with her. Be her friend. See how she feels about you.

Do it for yourself. If you dont try, you will drag on this pain until you die.

;)

Answer 9

she was your soul mate is she remarried does she want you in her life well you may have to accept you lost her i know the feeling kinda same thing happened to me when i went in good Ole Uncle SAM if he had wanted us to have spouses he would have issued them good luck