My situation is that my husbands 15 year old daughter has moved in with us. Probably a temporary basis as she is having some major issues with her mother. I don't necessarily agree with her just moving out, as she needs to work things out with her mom. My husband works out of state and that leaves me to discipline her. It's a tough position for me to be in. She expects to be able to do what my children do but we have to take into consideration the past several weeks of her own actions. She is trying to push my buttons, asking to do things she knows she isn't supposed to do, staying up late, talking on phone non-stop etc.. I don't want to tick her off but I have to discipline to some extent.....very frustrating. She has been with us for a week now, going to see her Mom and Sisters for the first time tonight. Mom has not talked to me at all about the situation which is strange!
Does anyone out there that has been in a similar situation have any advice?
2006-12-07 03:05:49 · 19 answers · asked by sl6970 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
wow you seem like ur stuck between a rock and a hard place.. but you shouldn't be stuck with the burden of putting up with this girl.. i know she is ur hiusbands daughter but when he is not around.. she is not ur problem.. plain and simple..call her mother.. she is her responsibility not yours and you shouldnt have to suffer by putting up with the girl.. i know u probably care about her.. but the girl is a teenager and right now all she cares about is herself.. so call her mother.. tell her to come get her daughter.. because you cant be left to fix their problems.. !
2006-12-07 03:08:47 · answer #1 · answered by sourstraws 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
It's a very sticky situation.
If it was a normal situation, I would suggest that you, as a step-mother, do very little to no disciplining. But due to the fact that her father is off on business for long periods of time, it might be necessary to take a different method.
Have you talked to your husband about this? I think has the possibility to shed a lot of light on the situation. He probably knows his daughter best, and how she would respond to your discipline. He could also maybe talk with her, and that could end the problem.
As for her mother not talking to you about the situation, she may just be feeling a little overwhelmed, and needs time to cool off and not think about her problem.
Of course, I've never been a parent, married, or a step-father, but I have been in a family with a step-mother. There was no disciplining on her part, and I believe that was the best way to do things. However, in your situation, I highly suggest that you talk to your husband about the situation.
2006-12-07 03:17:25 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I haven't been in a similar situation but here's my advice anyway. You have to set up ground rules. Make sure she understands what is expected of her. The rules have to be clear and direct. Let her know what the consequences are for breaking the rules and stick to it. She has only been with you for a week, what are her "past several weeks" actions? Did you know the whole story before you try to discipline her for it? These are things that have to be taken into consideration.
2006-12-07 03:13:40 · answer #3 · answered by AMC615 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are stuck between a rock and a hard place. At 15 we know she thinks she knows it all. Your not her mother and she will eventually throw that in your face. I would try to be her friend. Sit down and talk talk talk. Tell her there has to be certain rules in the house. Your only looking out for her well being because you care about her. Tell her how you love having her around being that her dad is gone so much, and that you need her help around the house. Spend time with her shopping ect. Share things you did and thought when you where 15. Communication!!!
2006-12-07 03:25:18 · answer #4 · answered by autumn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is a difficult position to be in. Here's what I would do:
Have a meaningful conversation with her, outlining your concern over her recent actions, while avoiding overt judgment. Tell her that as a mother, you have your own set of standards and values for your children, and as long as she is within your care, if that's how she sees it, she will have to consider the ground rules.
Remind her that you're not there to enforce anything on her, but that out of love and respect for her, you won't sit idly by, while she continues to spiral out of control. Tell her that you want more than anything to understand what is bothering her. Remind her that you are not her mother, and that she could use you to try and understand her own mother. Draw a line however; let her know is some way, that you will not abide unbecoming behaviour. The botton line is, teenagers don't want to be patronized. Be "real" with them; they will respect that, even if they fail to immediately demonstrate it. Good luck.
2006-12-07 03:14:19 · answer #5 · answered by Eathernet 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I've never been in that situation, but I do have a step mother so I can relate to her. Try to work your way in by first speaking to her mom about the whole situation. Then try to talk to her about what's been going on. there's a reason she's been acting up. Just don't try to be her "Friend", I hated when my step-mother tried to do that. Hope this was a bit helpful. Good Luck!
2006-12-07 03:13:23 · answer #6 · answered by I Might Even Be a Rock Star... 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Gosh I know its tough!!!! My step daughter is 27 now but when she was 14, 15 16 That was the rough time. She never lived with us except on weekends and she blamed me for everything she couldn't have or couldn't do. I think the best thing to do is stand united with her mom, your husband and yourself. Tell her the rules of your house and that that's exactly what it is YOUR HOUSE!!! Try not to let her push your buttons because she will.
Good luck.
2006-12-07 03:12:01 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Make it clear that you are not going to try to take over her mothers place in her life. Tell her that you would love to get to know her as herself and build a friendship. Try to make her understand your position and that it's not easy but that your 100% willing to make the situation work. Let her know that you feel that her mother and her father should be the disciplinarian in her life but since dad is away and she is living with you that you as the adult have to lay down some rules and you expect her to follow them. The only way things will work out is if you respect and listen to her and if she respects and listens to you. I know sometimes it's hard to see the light in these situations but the work you put into it will be well invested!
2006-12-07 03:15:00 · answer #8 · answered by sarabmw 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
well, im 16 and me and my mother fight ALL THE TIME. it's constant....and over stupid things, like once i washed the dishes and put a clean cup in the wrong spot in the cabinet and i got grounded....things like that. So I would live with my older sister every once in awhile to get away from all the stress. But she moved away this weekend, so i can't go live with her anymore....
But anyways, my point is, is that with all the stress your step-daughter is going through with her mom, that could be the reason why she's being a pain in the butt sometimes. I know im always b****y when me and my mom have fights...and i get a bad attitude, but mostly because i want to be left alone. but other times, i like a friend to talk to about it.
Maybe, if you try talking to her about it, and just be a friend to her (sense she gets enough of the whole mother thing...) she'd start to ease up a bit. get on her good side. and try to understand her more then to punish her. i could help more if you'd like...just email me over yahoo answers, it's on my profile
:-)
2006-12-07 03:12:09 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have the same situation, in a way. My boy friends 12 yr old came to us last yr with major issuses. He was taken from his mom, and we now have full custody of him. He's now lying and stealing candy from us and my 2 girls. We have (from day one) had a set of house rules on the wall, that he did help to make up. They all have chores m-f, with him having 2 on saturday as well. You need to make sure she knows the guide lines and needs to abey the house rules. She will push your buttons. She is lacking attention and will get it any way she can, good or bad. She is also testing how far she can go with you. Hope this helps a little bit.
2006-12-07 03:13:03 · answer #10 · answered by Jenettia S 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you should take some innitative to show her mother you care to try to help her by calling her mum and talking about the issue with her. Other than that, if your husband expects to have his daughter live with you he should be around and not work out of state and you should discipline her and try to talk to her about how she is feeling. if you dont show her you can and will discipline her then she will walk all over you
2006-12-07 03:10:24 · answer #11 · answered by jenniferyoung1987 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋