My long-term girlfriend has developed "feelings" for another guy. What should I do?

Question

Later this month my gf and I were due to celebrate our 5 year anniversary. We have been living together for 3yrs. However last week she confessed to me that she had strong feelings for another guy and that things were not working with us. From what I can gather the main reason she believes we are not working is that we spend little time together due to my lifestyle. I am a shift worker and have one year left of study at uni. She finished uni at the end of last year and is working full time. The guy she has developed feelings for is a co-worker who also has a long-term partner. They have identical working hours. They began to hang out several months ago and I encouraged her to have work friends. The lifestyle that I'm currently leading is not permanent. With any luck by the end of next year I will have commenced my own career with normal hours enabling me to spend more time with her. She has temporarily moved out to assess who she wants to be with. What should/can I do?

Answer 1

Give her space to work out where she wants to be.

The reason for her developing these "feelings" could well be because she is spending more time with him then with you. The fact that she has moved out means she is giving herself a chance to miss you. Maybe make time to go on a "date" where you can rekindle those feelings that brought you together in the first place.

Don't worry, I know it hurts at the moment but if you are meant to be together then she'll realise. If she doesn't come back then you weren't meant to be.

Remember the saying "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, you know their yours forever. If not, then they never were."

Answer 2

As you mentioned, it's a year long relationship and sometimes that leads to "insecurities". May be you guys should give each other more space and trust each other with or without being close to each other. Women tend to love attention, well, we all do but sometimes we try to get it the wrong way. Let her figure out what she wants, let her walk and if she wants to comeback after she has figured out where she's standing, then it's really up to you to take her back. I think if she has been with you for a year, then you should have taken enough time to get to know her and to at least have an idea of what she's capable of doing and not doing.... Hope this helps...

Answer 3

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do...let her know how you feel, etc. The choice is ultimately hers. I think that in your situation, it's not uncommon for people to be "tempted" by another. However, that's not saying that they have to choose that path. It's times like this that will show your partner's true colors, and you may also want to rethink why you would want to spend your life with someone who seems to be so easily led astray and not committed to your relationship come hell or high water. Also keep in mind that people change and grow in different ways, too. I wish you the best.

Answer 4

Honestly, if shes not gonna be willing to try and wait for this shift thing to end, let her go be with the "other guy". After all, sometimes women need a wake up call about "the grass being greener on the other side". My kids mother )were not married)wanted to stay in NY back in July because she wanted to be with someone she has feelings for. This guy had no job, no prospects and is trailer trash. She even had the nerve to ask if things didn't work out if she could come back. I told her the kids were coming with me and that I wouldn't take her back if she stayed. I understand your situation is not the same. Tell her, your not gonna take her back if she goes(if you let her go), trust me love stinks.

Answer 5

Life and love is complicated, isn't it?! You seem to be doing the appropriate things at this point and seem to still possess your powers of reasoning. You're giving her some space, which is a good thing. Hopefully, she'll quickly learn that the co-worker relationship is not what she had anticipated and will try to reconcile. You have your career matters to focus on in the meantime, and can look at your life (& your relationship) from a long range view. My only suggestion is that you not be too quick to form another relationship at this point. Your relationship with your girlfriend is complicated enough at this point, and you want to be sure that you give things time to resolve themselves. Good Luck

Answer 6

Wow, first of all don't go to Dana Brown's web site.

I know that it's easy to sit here and make judgments, but from what you have said ,it seems like she already made up her mind.

It is a shame to say, but we humans are needy,selfish people. We need constant attention, or we go to where we get it.
Look at the baby who cries, just to get picked up, then stops. We learn at an early age how to manipulate people to get what we want.

5 years isn't something you want to give up on.
You could try talking to her and saying what you have just told us.
Make sure you apologize for having not spent the time with her that she needed, but you were doing it for the good of both of you.
It just may be a 'phase' that she is going through, mistaking the attention that her shows her for something else.
You need to have a serious talk, and like I said tell her you will do better. .......But don't just say, do.

Answer 7

Get out and about a bit - for goodness' sake don't sit at home waiting for her to make up her mind which man she wants!!! That's complete insanity. (Although I realise it's easier said than done).

One more thing - does this man she has feelings for even want her? If he has a long-term partner, he might just be flirting with her without thinking he wants a relationship with her.

Good luck whatever you choose to do.

Answer 8

Oh my god i'm not the only one. Slow Learner that is. Easy buddy, take it from me i know exactly how you feel. First of all and i think you know this but you just don't want to admit it to yourself (just like i did), It's over already. She's out of the house and away from home. The co-worker is seeing her everyday and just picking at her heart strings and trust me my ex cheated on me with a co-worker of hers and i'm still feeling it. But i have you beat he has the same first name that i have, her sex life really hasn't changed that much. Nothing is temporary about her moveing out. She's gone dude. I'm sorry. Here's what you don't do. Don't call her crying in the middle of the night, he'll answer the phone. Don't try to pry for too much information from her, she'll only lie to make herself feel better about it. Do Not get the urge to go out and fight this guy he won't do it, he's already won his trophy. And as one last note, don't beat yourself up for the things she's done to you, you have already proven your better than her. You loved her enough to try and make it work, she didn't.

Answer 9

If you really trust her and want to be with her you should just give her time to herself for a while if that's what she wants. continue doing you and focus on what you doing first, because sometimes people think that they are missing out on things when they are in a long term relationship. but don't wait around forever

Answer 10

At least she is being honest with you. If this other guy is with a partner then I cant see things working out then she'll be back when the fun is over. In the meantime go out and have some fun, Why not she is.