I have 3 kids that fight all the time I need help?

Question

Serious answers only please! Im only 24 years old. My sister is 6yrs old she is very neglected by my mother. So I took her in and is now living with me and my two kids. They fight so much. I want to be a good sister and mother but I feel like all im doing is yelling all the time and putting them in time out. We are all living in a small 2 bedroom house. I cant afford anything else. I dont have much help from family. Everyone (including my mother) left town to find work elsewhere. Any Suggestions? or good books to read? Their future depends on me. I want to be a good rol model for them. I want them to grow up to be strong independent women like me. I also want to teach my son to be a good man. He has no father. Im mom and dad to my kids.

By the way Father is in prison. Not mine or the kids fault. He is a child molester and hopefully he is in prison for life.

Answer 1

I really commend you. It is a tough situation for the kids (and you as well).

All that said, you must for their sake impose some discipline, rules, responsibility and expectations. And these must be enforced with consistent meaningful punishment.

Unlike a lot of people are going to tell you I suggest you start consistently spanking for misbehavior and violations of your rules. By spanking I don't mean a couple of swats on the run or dull thuds. Of course, I am not talking beating--but they need to be something that are not liked at all.

I spank bare bottom and think that works best by far. With a six year old I personally would use a paddle, wooden spoon or something like that.But what is most important is that you do it consistently--every single time they do something that does not meet your expectations. I am not saying for each and every thing--many times a reprimand or warning or even just talking is enough (especially if they know that is all backed up with by a paddle).

But warning or threats must ALWAYS be followed through with--without exception--regardless of their promises, excuses, how you feel, etc. DON'T make spanking just a last resort--as too many people say these days.

If you do this I think you will be able to skip all the timeouts, yelling, etc. and in the end they will be actually be getting less punishments and those that they are getting will be more meaningful.

I know it sounds overly simple--but believe me it works.

I wish you my best.

Answer 2

I have a six and a two year old, and I used to be a teacher at a rowdy high school. I've managed to keep things pretty quiet in both situations.

First, who can yell louder, you or three kids? Okay, so don't yell.

Second, how do you feel after you yell. Now, really don't yell.

Third, what's the opposite of loud? Your answer.

There's a book by Thomas Phelan about disciplining children and early teens, and it relies on the really good, simple idea that you should set achievable, clear goals for your kids, establish consequences that are reasonable, and follow through.

Phelan adds a really simple technique for it. Briefly, once you have estalished that a behavior - let's just say it's jumping on furniture - is not allowed, the kids should know the consequence of it, and see the difference between those consequences and normal existence.

You could let them know that if they play inside in a way that disrespects the house, you will keep the tv off for their favorite show. It's not a huge punishment, but then if they know not to write on the walls, break dishes, etc., they will understand the consequence of their action. At least, they will eventually.

Phelan uses a simplified technique for this which I found a good starting point.

At the first breaking of a rule, make sure the kids understand the rule. (Skip this step after you have established the procedure at your house.)

At the second breaking of the same rule at roughly the same time (say, within ten minutes for a 6yo), inform the child that you're starting to count, and at three they have to go to their room by themselves for the same number of minutes as their age.

Keep counting till three as needed, each time for a separate incident that is about the same type of rule. At three, quietly escort the child to the room, close the door, and leave. Do not raise your voice. Return at the appropriate time and talk about it. Reinforce gently the rule, the consequence, and how you love the child.

If the rule broken is about safety, you can cut through the warning and the counting, but do try to keep your cool.

Your question is about the kids fighting. Maybe they each want to feel special, and just staying at home is kind of wearing thin. If you can, find a fun thing to do with them. It doesn't have to be an amusement park or a movie. In fact, my kids like to go to the grocery store with me. They keep me company, push the cart, get a little silly, and get out of the house for a bit.

I've already established who's boss and how punishments work, so they're pretty well behaved already, but I still do the counting a couple of times a week if they're making things too tough for me.

I feel your suffering, and from your description of the situation you're in, I can see you act out of love. Don't forget that, even when you feel like screaming. Let the kids know, too. I think they - like mine - need to hear it from us all the time.

Good luck.

Answer 3

I have kids so I understand your frustration. First thing I think your sister is acting out on anger because of mom. You are also frustrated because you are a single mom. Have you looked into any programs to help you with the kids and your sister should go talk to someone. Sometimes People need more than family when it comes to talk to. No matter your income there is a program out there. Your sisters young and still has time. As for your mom do you have your sister legally? I would also go to a courthouse and file your mom has left her, why you ask? Because if you don't you have let her get away with hurting a child and you would be one of those ppl in the world who allow it to happen again to another child who does not deserve it. Its great to be independent but sometimes the most independent need help too. I was a single mom for a long time. Once you start getting your life back you will meet someone. As for your other two kids: are they fighting because there siblings like all kids or has it gone beyond aka: violence etc. If so they should talk to someone as well. You talking to someone will help. It does not make you a bad mom/sister. It shows them you do whatever it takes to keep family together. AND THAT'S LOVE

Answer 4

Hi, I also have an issue with kids fighting. There are a total of five here (and I'm 23) but I'll focus on the three boys in the middle since they do the fighting. (The other two are girls, ages 12 years and 8 months.)

The boys are aged 3 yrs, 5yrs, and 6yrs. The 6yo is a step-kid, so I don't feel I can do much in the way of punishing him. So here's what happens:

#1. I seperate the boys. 6yo goes outside, 5yo goes into his room and watches a movie or plays toys, 3yo goes into the livingroom.
#2. You didn't mention how old your own two are, but maybe someone needs a nap....
#3. I tell my boys things like "You should help your brother. That's the whole reason I got you a brother, so you could help each other.
#4. We have a system where each kid has a card (think business card printed from computer) with their name on it on the fridge. They get a star on their card for doing nice things for each other. Five stars, they get to pick a ($1) gift.
#5. I don't know how old your sis was when you took her in. She might be acting out because she feels unloved with your mom essentially abandoning her. Have a talk with her, tell her she is loved and wanted in your home.
#6. Have all kids run-a lap around the yard, a race, whatever. They'll have fun AND wear themselves down a bit. Obstacle courses are good too. They give the kids something to talk (civilly) about after.
#7. We aren't in that much different a situation- the 3 boy here share a room. There is space to walk between the beds, or for one kid to set up blocks or cars or dinosaurs, but that's all. Not room for 3 to play comfortably. Can each kid have their own 'space' even if it's two feet of livingroom or kitchen floor, where they can play privately without anyone else butting in?

Answer 5

You have a lot to deal with, probably too much to answer here but one little technique I used when my kids would fight was to turn the tables on them. I told them that since they couldn't be nice to each other that they couldn't be together. They had to be in separate rooms (difficult in a 2-bedroom house, I understand) and weren't allowed to talk to each other. Pretty soon they would have scooted to the doorways and were giggling.

I would make them go back into the rooms, telling them that since they obviously hated each other that they would just have to learn to be alone. A couple of reminders like this usually calmed things down and I would "agree" to give them a second chance to play together. Sometimes I swear the fighting was just a way to be entertained by seeing Mom scream.

Also - don't let someone get you down who says that you're wrong to be doing this without the fathers. Some people simply don't know what they're talking about and are quick to judge and condemn.

Answer 6

I think the best thing for you to do is one day a week (if you don't already do this) is to take 2 hours out of the day for your kids. Do an activity together like play board games, read a book, or go to a movie together. The important thing is your involved during this time. When they fight and come to you to tattle have both of them explain their reasons. Then try to help them solve the issue so can learn these skills to learn who is in the right and who is in the wrong. You can also have a jar and some marbles for each kid and when your child does something right put a marble in. When it get filled then they get to choose a toy or a place to eat or whatever. It weill help your kids to focus more on the positive side of life and willing to help others.

Answer 7

The best advice I could give would be to learn more about why they are fighting and why they acted out the way they do. Usually, it's because they are bored or do not want to share. If your little sister likes to draw or color, go to the dollar store and buy a few coloring books for her and your two kids, try to buy similar things for them, so they don't fight over which one gets the better one, bigger one, etc. When you get home sit them at the table and tell them to color pictures for a family member or friends. Also, have circle time at home when things are getting crazy and out of hand, you tell them it's circle time, everyone sit on the floor and you read them a book! Another thing that works for me, I try to schedule certain things during the week with them, like MOVIE night, so when you get home you walk in and say okay today is movie night, and let them take turns picking out what dvd they will watch that night.The best thing is to be consistent!

Answer 8

I wish I could do more than just send you good wishes, but I am stuck in a similar position. So far all I have figured out is that you just have to let them have it out once in a while. Unless it is violent or hurtful, let them have at it. Also make sure you take a time out for yourself,even if you just lock yourself in the bathroom for 5 minutes and read an article from a magazine. Good luck to you and your family. And remember that even if you cant stop the fighting you are still an amazing mom. We can never be perfect but by trying our best we will succeed.

Answer 9

It sound like there is a desperate need for family counseling, especially your little sister. Think about it, at 6 years old she has been through an awful lot. Poor thing molested by dad, and then rejected by mom wow that's tough on someone much older. Good for you stepping up to care for her.
There are counseling services that wont cost you an arm and a leg. Try Lutheran Social Services for one.

Answer 10

I would sugjest giving these children more structured activitys now I know money might be tight but there are activitys that don't cost much that will keep your kids busy. You could have them work together or you can seperate them. You can say one child can play with the playdoh while the other paints and the other colors in the new coloring books. If you did it seperate then they can keep rotating to other activitys. Keep them busy they won't fight as much and you will have some time to yourself as well.