is it Ok to ground my 15 yo daughter so that we can spend some time together?

Question

She's a wonderful girl, very good student, has never hurt me or done something bad, just those normal minors faults. She treats me and my hubby with love. But she goes out to much, it's hard to find time to talk with her, hard to get qualty time. She has many activities, takes part in voluteering activities, swims, a lot of things. Sometimes I miss her so much and since I have a job, things are even more difficult. Well, last weekend my hubby was on a trip, I was feeling lonely so I grounded her just to have her with me. I didn't let her go out, friends just for 1 hour Saturday and Sunday. She asked me What did I do to be grounded???, I just said, well you, you...wel Im your mom and have the right to ground you hun, but don't worry, I'll treat you with all my love.She didnt enjoy her grounding, but at least we finally could talk, I had a wonderful weekend. She just sighed in resignation, made no fuss. It was just a grounding, not a punishment, but she's a bit confused.

Answer 1

You shoudlt ry other methods. It seems that the communication between you and your daughter isn't very good. If you can't tell her to her face that you want to spend time with her, how do you expect to accomplish just that?
Try asking her if she would like to hagn out with you sometime, maybe go shopping. Plan ahead so you don't get left out of her life.

Answer 2

I wouldn't tell her that you are "grounding" her. That makes it a punishment. I would just tell her that she needs to spend more time at home. It's very normal for a 15 year old to want to spend all of her time with friends. I remember when I was that age, the last thing in the world that I wanted to do was spend time at home. I always wanted to be at a friend's house or at the mall, etc. Don't be too hard on her - she sounds like a great kid. Also, don't depend on her to be your only friend when your husband isn't around. Instead, maybe tell her that you thought you could do something special - just the girls - since dad is gone. Maybe you could give eachother pedicures/manicures, watch a favorite movie, bake some cookies or just hang out and talk for an hour or two. Just try to make your time together something she can look forward to.

Answer 3

You wouldnt answer the question if you thought it was fine. You know theres a problem.

You arent asking permission either, though it could be assumed this is a tacit request.

You are asking for help, for insight. Rephrased your question is "What can I do to spend quality time with my daughter".

An army officer I know said this about recruits in boot-camp, and it was insightful:
"I can be their teacher, counselor, trainer, helper, tutor, coach, and dad OR I can be their friend, but if Im their friend I cant be any of those. As much as I would like to be their friend, its a better service to them for me to be those other things."

The people he is talking about are exactly the age group, maturity level, and all of your daughter. Its surprisingly appropriate.

Here is the hard truth - you arent going to be able to truly be your daughters friend for the next ten years, because she is changing hugely right now.. maybe not on the outside, but certainly on the inside. If you are her friend right now, in a year that person isnt the same person, and certainly isnt in the same place. The best place to be a friend to your child is in that 20-24 year old window when your IQ and wisdom (in their eyes) are shooting through the roof.

Here is another hard truth: being arbitrary is terrible parenting. It provides an ideal forum for rebellion and acting-out. If the child feels like you can yank the rug out from them at any time, they arent afraid to do it in return. Discipline should always be clearly stated. They should know the rules, why they exists, and what the consequences are long before they ever get a punishment. Emotionally speaking arbitrary punishment is the same as physical abuse. It comes from the same unknown source, and has the same internal emotional consequences, and even some of the same long term behavior consequences. It feels the same - same powerlessness, same confusion, same self-protective strategies, same anger from the powerlessness and confusion.

You might just have squished a part of that "good girl" in your daughter.

Bottom line: bad call mom. If you like the "good girl" then dont squash her. Act justly with discipline, not arbitrary with punishment. Get adult friends and wait your daughter is still forming. Be what she needs you to be, not what you want to be. Act in a way now that gives you an open door in ten years.

Answer 4

Here is a different way to accomplish the same goal. Start my making the time before school, go to her activities, open the doorway of communication. Set a ground rule (like the one that was set for me 20 plus years back) "one or two days a week it is mandatory to have dinner together with the family, the rest of the week do what you need to ..." The pleasures, pains, and growing years can be resolved quite easily at these moments. Remember she is in her mid teens, a very important part of her life to be social too. So instead of grounding her to be near to her, let her enjoy life the same way you and I did at that age, but imply that she has to be a part of the family too-at the dinner table or something. Best wishes and good luck.

Answer 5

Laura, I also have a daughter that has my heart in her hands, but you can't punish your daughter for no reason. That's throwing mixed signals to her. Why not ask her for a Mommy and Daughter date. Spend Sunday afternoon with her, go window shopping, try on shoes till your feet are sore, go to the zoo, anything but don't force a "make believe" grounding on her. I think your daughter is mature enough to understand that you would like some of her time.

My daughter is now married and moved nearly 5 hours away. I miss her terribly, but when she's home, we make a date for just the two of us. She even has a "brother date". Talk to your daughter, go with her to her swim meets, go help her with the voluteering activities. Get involved with her life outside the house. Being a mother doesn't mean you can't have fun with her. My daughter is my best friend, and I am her's, but we also know we each live busy lives. She works full time and is a full time student, but when she home, I was at every ballgame, concert, play, or she would go grocery shopping with me. Make those little times count.

Explain to your precious daughter that you are missing her, and that you would like to make a scheduled date with her. Agree on a time that is good for both of you. Come home from work, bring the hubby a pizza, and you grab her and go out to eat. I would apologize to my daughter, and ask that she understand that she's your angel, and that sometimes we even make mistakes. She deserves an explaination!

Quality time is so important, but it doesn't have to be hours on end, A trip to grocery store with my daughter is a time just for me and her. We get a girly movie, and watch it together when we can. Pile up on the bed with her at night for a few minutes. I know she will understand, and I bet she will appreciate you being honest with her. She sounds like a lovely young woman, and I bet she didn't realize that you were feeling left out.

Laura, I didn't mean to write so much, but I can feel your pain, because I wish I could see my little girl everyday. Make her help with dinner, fold the clothes together, little chores can lead to more and more time with her, but don't confuse her, tell her, talk to her, she won't let you down. She's got a great Mom and she's got a giving heart, and proably doesn't even realize that she's hurting you. So, please sit her down and talk...

Answer 6

Not good at all. You're the parent and you seem to allow her to be away with friends so much. You punished her for nothing and you lied about the reason why too. Both are unnecessary. Just plan some family time if you think you might feel "lonely", so you guys can talk. No need for grounding. That makes her think you're crazy and unreasonable and she'll really want to get away from you.

Answer 7

why would you say "grounded"??? why can't you just be honest with her and tell her that you miss her and you'd like to spend some time together.
take her shopping or out for coffee. it's great that she's such a great kid and that you guys have such a nice relationship....please don't ruin it by "grounding" her.
just tell her that you miss her and it's hard to get time together, so it would make you happy if you could spend some more time together.
make a lunch or dinner date each week. like lunches on sundays or every wednesday night you go out to dinner or coffee.

just know that even if it doesn't happen right now, eventually, you will become her best friend again. i'm 26 and i call my mom or sister just about everyday after work. us gals rely on our moms more and more as we get older. the teen years are those years when we are sperated the most, though.

take care:)

Answer 8

No that is very selfish At least she's doing something constructive without being forced. She could be out here on dope or getting pregnant. If you force her to stay in and she's not doing anything wrong, you will throw her in a rebelious state, and that could mess up everything. When it's time she will want to be at home more, a young girl has to grow into that. There will be a time when she just wants to do things with her mother and family. Let her live her life by limiting her you will push her away.

Answer 9

Hell no that's not okay. If you want some time to talk with your daughter, you need to sit her down and tell her so. Take it from a teenager herself, I moved out of my mom's house a year ago because she got married for the third time. Every teenage girl goes through this phase where her mother is the last person she really cares to hang out with or talk to. Don't take it personally... it's just the way life goes. But, i do think that if you want to spend time with your daughter and "get to know her better", you just need to sit down and tell her so. That's all. She'll listen to you and eventually this too will pass... It might take a month and it might take a couple of years. It's a teenage thing. Don't try to control it or she'll rebel against you. Hope everything works out for the best. :)

Answer 10

she has every right to be confused. you don't ground a child to spend time with you. that's usually the last thing they want to do. it would have been easier and much funner for both of you if you would have sat her down and told her how much you miss her and maybe could we arrange a girls day out or something with just the 2 of us? there's always time to talk. she has to go to bed sometime, right? sit on the side of her bed as she's getting in bed and tuck her in and do all the hugs and kisses you did when she was young, and just talk to her. kids want that, but you usually have to make the first initiative. but if you ground her just to spend time with you she will begin to resent you. maybe she just doesn't realize how little time you spend together, you said she's busy. just as parents get busy and don't realize the time that they haven't been giving their chileren. hope it all works out and i hope this helps you some.