Parents: If your kid (teenage son) told you that your spouce was abusing him, but had no proof, what would...?

Question

What would you do?
I'm talking about no proof but bruises (which can be claimed from other activities, like, falling off a skatebord, etc)

Answer 1

I WAS this "kid" once. I was being sexually assulted. My mom knew about the physical abuse because we all got abused by her boyfriend. When I told about the sexually assult (rape) she called me a liar and refused to believe me. It went on for 5 years (its started when I was 10). It is SUCH a scary thing and you feel trappped. You feel like you have NO one to talk to if you own mother or father will not believe you. There is NO way I would EVER not believe my child. I have been on the other side of that. I know how it feels. I didn't tell anyone for years about the physical abuse and 5 years about the sexual abuse because I felt alone.

I would always look into the matter myself and possibly buy a hidden camera. They can be pricy but its worth it for your child's safety. I know how two faced people can be. Growing up I looked like I had it all. A nice house, nice cars, etc. I once saw the bad side of commonly good looking people. Anyone can be capable of abusing another person, whether a spouse, children, or pets.

Just for reference. I am not 21, I actually moved out just months after I turned my mom and her boyfriend in. Her boyfriend sadly served no time for physically abusing us (1 older brother and 1 younger sister-who is mentally handicap who he also abused). He did serve 18 months for aggravated sexual assult against me. I tried counseling and it did not help me. I am now fully recovered and have started my own life half way across the country. I haven't spoken to my mom since I was 15 and I left. I am married with a small son and paying my own way through college. It was a VERY hard time in my life. I would never wish those years on anyone. I have now spoken at several schools in hopes to get other students who are abused to speak out and prevent others from getting abused. It is never something you can ever forget.

I would really recommend counseling to the WHOLE family (minus the abuser because he/she needs to be in prison) will need counseling, both individually and family as a whole. It will take a group effort to heal. The counseling can be a VERY vital to help prevent the abused from abusing others.

Trust me from personal experience...it DOES get worse. Once the abuser sees they are getting away with one thing they elevate and keep elevated because they feel invincible. If you ARE the abused, and your parent is NOT listening. Tell a school counselor at the very beginning of the school day. Take a best friend with you for support. Tell at the beginning of the day because that will give enough time in the day for help to get to the school and take reports and investigate. Best friends are a GREAT support group. I could not have did it without mine. I started crying SO much because I was so scared, my best friends actually spoke a lot for me.

Feel free to IM me if you need further help.

EDIT: I am totally shocked at some of these responses. NEVER deny your child protection. When your child comes to you as a parent, whether they are a typical rebellious teenager or a very innocent 5 year old you ALWAYS look into it. SHAME on these parents for first sitting their child down and telling them consequences. If a robber came in your house you think you would sit him down and tell him do you realize the consequences of your actions? I mean come on. NO your insinct is to protect your children and things around you and ask questions later.

Another thing...I notice people are assuming this is a father or step father abusing a son. This is not always the case. Many mothers abuse their daughters as well. After years of abuse by my mom's boyfriends she abused me.

Answer 2

Do you trust and believe your son? Are these bruises a recent development? Have him looked at by your doctor when he's got some fresh ones ... doctors know what causes bruises and where they generally would be found on a body as it pertains to abuse of personal injury. If your son continues to bring it to your attention, either confront your spouse (which could be a problem for your son if he's telling you the truth) or set up the 'ol 'spy cam'. See if you can get something on film.

You may also want to ask a very close friend of your son's. He might confide in a 'best friend' those things he'd never tell anyone else.

Either way, don't just sit on it ... check it out!

Answer 3

Tricky because you don't want to send the message to your child that you don't believe him. If he's telling the truth and you wait until it's too late, the mental damage could change his life forever. At the same time if you confront your spouse and it's not true you run the risk of ruining your relationship with your spouse. Ask yourself: Is there a history of rebellion? Do they argue all the time? Besides normal teenage things. Being the father of 3 grown children and knowing how they can play both ends against the middle, you can't do nothing. Talk with your spouse hoping they are mature enough to have this kind of conversation. If they're not able to converse with you on this touchy topic, to me that would be a red flag. Hopefully they're willing to work it through, maybe even counseling. which couldn't hurt. Ignoring it is not only dangerous but very damaging. If you find out there is no truth to it then the teenager needs to understand how dangerous this sort of accusation can be. Good luck. I'm glad my kids are grown. Now I can sit back and watch them deal with their kids. And see if our work as parents penetrated some very hard, determined teenage heads.

Answer 4

I would confront my spouse. Then I would ask the spouse to go to counseling with me and try to get the situation in hand. If the spouse refused to go to counseling or went to counseling and did not try to improve; then I would divorce the spouse and try to get sole custody of the child.

If there is substance abuse by the spouse then, I have to say, the whole point of trying to the work through the matter is moot because a person on drugs or alcohol has no conscience and will not try to do anything until they conquer their own substance abuse.

If a person is abusing a child then you do not know that person and, frankly, you don't want to know that person.

You should always believe your child over the spouse. Children have no reason to make that stuff up, so it has to be true.

This actually happened to me and after some time in counseling I had to admit that my husband was never going to change so I removed myself and my child from the situation. I wish I had done so sooner because the whole thing has had a life altering effect on my son.

Answer 5

As a child I was abused by my stepfather in more than one way. I finally got up enough courage to open my mouth and Social Services ended up taking me and putting me in the system. My mother wouldn't believe that anything had happened. I think yes in a way it is a very serious allegation, but I think as a mother of two now that I would rather be safe than sorry. Get your son to a psychiatrist and a physician. They will be able to help you either way. If he is being abused they will be able to tell and if he's not then they can get him the help he needs. What ever you do don't call him a liar, that is your child and you need to back him up until you have absolute proof that nothing has happened. And if you find out that nothing did happen don't take it out in your son, he is crying out for your help.

Answer 6

sit down with the boy - have a serious one to one, now is this spouce the boys actual father? if he is then it could well be true - if its not his father but a step dad then it could be a lie. BUT its better to be safe then sorry. have a serious chat with the boy - ask him, tell him what this could mean and that you plan to take it all the way, police if nessicery and tell him if the police find out he is lieing what could happen to him, then ask him once more, are you telling the truth? and no matter how he ansewer that you tell him no matter what you say it will not get you in trouble.

then speak with the spouce, tell him what the boy said, see what he says.


if by now you have no got an ansewer (the boy has not changed his story and the spouce is denying it, what means their storys conflict)

consult a doctor, they can tell if a bruse is from a fall or from a sharp inpact, depending what the doctor says you may want to contact the police, if its from an impact, if it turns out to be from a fall, keep an eye on your son and your spouce, just incase these bruses apear again

Answer 7

start paying more attention of how the 2 deal with each other but don't be so obvious about it cause you won't get a true reading of the situation. By all means take your child (teenager or not) seriously! Yes, you need proof, but don't take the chance of something happening you will regret for the rest of your life.

Answer 8

You need to explain the consequences that will be faced if charges of abuse are pressed on your spouse. You also need to speak to your son it could be jealousy, usually when a boy reaches the adolescent age he becomes very dominant of the household. They also try to rid any intimidation that may follow, the best thing to do is talk to him and actually spend time with both of them and take notice to any behavior towards your son coming from your spouse.

Answer 9

believe him and find an alternative place for him to stay until it is all sorted out - family / friends - often children are abused but as there is no proof - it goes on and on.
then talk it through with your partner / son (in different surroundings)
If you feel you cannot do this - call social services - and leave no name etc.. and just say its suspected - then it will be investigated but you will not be to blame

Answer 10

look into the matter yourself. many people that are abused lie to their family and friends about the origin of the bruises and marks they have, because they are to ashamed. They begin to look like the clumsiest people alive. It took a lot of courage on the part of your son to come and tell you the truth. respect the trust he has in you and help him.