How do I answer the following question from my 2 year old daughter. "Is daddy going to die?"?

Question

Me and my husband where married july 29th lats year. he left for basic training in September, came home for cristmas, then graduated at the end of January. he was home for a few months and left again in April for training to go overseas. he came home for 10 days in July, and left for Iraq. He came home for his leave in the beggining of November, and now he won't be back home untill July next year. Our daughter will turn 3 in February, and last night while we were watching tv before bed, she asked me first if she had made daddy go away. I told her no, daddy doesnt want to be away, and he misses her very much, and then she asked me if daddy was going to die. She has always reasoned at a level much older than her own, but I just don't know how to answer these questions from someone so young, and it hurts so badly. Please, does anyone have any advice on this? I just don't know what to do.

I will not lie. any other 2 year old, I think I would. I do believe he will come home, but I get scared, and I think she knows it. She gets things well beyond her years to a point that it is scary. She talks about daddy fighting, shooting, killing when all that we have ever told her is that daddy wants to be home but daddy has a very important job he has to do. She saw him in uniform, and then put 2 and 2 together from the news, and her uncle's war video games. And I don't know how much more there is to do to bring them closer. When he is not out on missions, he calls home to talk to her, and she sends him pictures that she draws, and he doodles and sends it back, we have web cams and exchange video's and pics, and she has to look at the moon at least once every night, because dhe knows that no matter where daddy is, they can both see it.
And again thank you for all the answers so far. I am greatful for all the suggestions. It really means a lot to me.

The problem I am having is because she picks too much up. She saw a commercial for the army one day and said thats what daddy does! I said yes honey, thats like what daddy does. She walked in while the news was on one day showing a story about the military. I turned it off. She told me look look daddy. daddys fightin. She once saw her uncle playing war games on ps2, but I made him turn it off (she had been asleep). The point is, I have tried to minimize her exposure, but she is too smart for her own good. I have done my best to keep her sheltered from this, and all we have ever told her was that daddy has to work, and that he will come home as soon as he can. Her questions are from her own intelligent little mind, not from overexposure. Thats the whole reason I asked the question in the first place. If she were a normal child her age I would not have hesitated to give her the standar 2 year old answer but she would see through that in a heartbeat.

Answer 1

That's a hard one. The best thing to do is to keep trying to shelter her from the news and video games as best you can. And answer her honestly, because she doesn't sound like she'll fall for a lie. Tell her daddy has a very dangerous job, but he and the other men he works with are very well trained and they do their best to keep each other safe every day. Tell her how there are lots of other little kids' daddies over there watching out for each other. Also keep telling her how much he loves her and misses her.

Most people I know leave it with a simple "daddy is at work" with kids that young, but she doesn't seem to fall for that. I also heard one woman telling her kids that daddy had to go to another country and fight monsters for the kids over there so that the monsters didn't come to our country. I thought it was a pretty creative response but again, your daughter probably won't believe that.

The only problem I have with people saying to tell her that he'll be fine is that, God forbid something happen to him, she may end up resenting you for "lying" to her. Be as honest as you can without actually saying "yes, he might die."

Answer 2

My husband is currently deployed and I have a 3 1/2 year old. Of course you tell her daddy will be fine. Why would you tell her any different? Chances are he will be fine! My problem with your story is that 2 or 3 year olds don't just come up with these stories from no where. Either she has heard you or your husband talking about fighting and guns and stuff or she has been allowed to watch too much war coverage on tv. Don't get me wrong, we live on a military base where my son sees all the stuff my husband does, but he doesn't know about the risks of daddy's job. I think you need to be more protective of what your child hears and sees and reassure her that daddy will be fine. Tell her he is helping people that can't help themselves and when he is done he will be back.

Answer 3

I think you are doing a wonderful job. You know your daughter, we don't. You know what level of understanding she has. Trust yourself to handle the situation should it arise again.

If it were me, I think I would try and reassure her that her Daddy is doing his job and trying to make the world a better place for other little girls just like her because he loves her so very much and that he will be home as soon as possible.

I wonder if it would be possible to start some type of "pen-pal" relationship with another little girl in the region of the world that your husband is in. At three there would not be a verbal communication but maybe she could draw pictures and send them to another little girl and vice versa. You may want to pose this question to your husband and get his thoughts on it. You may start a trend and it may mean more than you will ever know to the lucky little girl your daughter corresponds with. OR... maybe she could draw pictures and send them to your husband. Have him get a photograph taken of himself holding the picture and sent back to you to show to your daughter.

Have her pick a star out in the sky and tell her that her Daddy can see that very same star and that when she is looking at it they are together.

Anything you can do to bridge the gap between them will help her. She needs to know he is with her (and you, which he is) even if he is thousands of miles away.

Best of luck... You, your husband and your daughter will be in my prayers.

No Spag... by giving an explanation like that she will make the little girl fear God and also hate God if something were to happen.

Answer 4

I'd say no. If the child was older eg)8 then they might understand more but for a 3 year old to be told that there dad might die would just be traumatic and they wouldn't properly understand the concept.

If things do turn to worst (chances are the wont and i pray that they wont) then you deal with it then. Theres no point on worrying a 3 year old about somthing that probably wont happen.

May god bless you and your family

Answer 5

I'd tell her YES, dying is part of life, we are born, grow old and die. Make less of a deal of dying being something imminent and more to do with the cycle of life. Point out that not all things get through the whole cycle- easily done in nature. Sometimes what children actually ask is deep, more often than not they just need basic information to solve the question or worry.

Answer 6

At three years old the answer to that question is always no. With her asking if she made daddy go away you can tell she's stressed out over it already. She doesn't need any more on her plate.

Answer 7

Just work "daddy" into the general discussion of death and how it is a natural part of life, a necessary part of life. That reminds me of my experience...when I was young, anout 4 or 5, I was looking throught my granny's jewelry box, paying particular attention to her wedding ring. She told me that I was going to get it when she died. All I heard was "died" and starting bawling. Who cares about a dumb ring? I want my granny. I cried, she let me until I was done, comforted me, and then I went on about my life. Sure it's hard, but tell her, let her grieve, and she will be stronger for it. Good luck.

Answer 8

my heart goes out to both of you, maybe it is time for a direct contact between your child and her dad, a phone conversation in which he might try and explain to her the reason he is away, this will help her overcome her guilt, directly talking to his daughter will help minimize the effect of his being away on her and will surely provide her with some form of secure assurance that he is very much alive and thinking of her all the time.

Answer 9

I really feel for you and your family.
All I can say is: May God watch over your husband and everyone serving the country in this horrible war.
May he protect him and bring him home to you and your daughter.

I'm not quite sure how to answer your question other than be honest with your daughter .. God is watching and is the only one who decides when its time for people to join him in heaven.

Answer 10

It should be something like this......Daddy is doing a very dangerous job for his country and he knows it. If God decides it daddy's turn to go to heaven, then there is nothing we can do. You know, we all get to go to heaven at some point and only God gets to make the decision as to when. Let's hope it's not daddy's turn any time soon. Any questions?

Alright, your turn for real now!!!!