Me and my husband where married july 29th lats year. he left for basic training in September, came home for cristmas, then graduated at the end of January. he was home for a few months and left again in April for training to go overseas. he came home for 10 days in July, and left for Iraq. He came home for his leave in the beggining of November, and now he won't be back home untill July next year. Our daughter will turn 3 in February, and last night while we were watching tv before bed, she asked me first if she had made daddy go away. I told her no, daddy doesnt want to be away, and he misses her very much, and then she asked me if daddy was going to die. She has always reasoned at a level much older than her own, but I just don't know how to answer these questions from someone so young, and it hurts so badly. Please, does anyone have any advice on this? I just don't know what to do.
2006-12-06 22:18:48 · 12 answers · asked by NJN 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
I will not lie. any other 2 year old, I think I would. I do believe he will come home, but I get scared, and I think she knows it. She gets things well beyond her years to a point that it is scary. She talks about daddy fighting, shooting, killing when all that we have ever told her is that daddy wants to be home but daddy has a very important job he has to do. She saw him in uniform, and then put 2 and 2 together from the news, and her uncle's war video games. And I don't know how much more there is to do to bring them closer. When he is not out on missions, he calls home to talk to her, and she sends him pictures that she draws, and he doodles and sends it back, we have web cams and exchange video's and pics, and she has to look at the moon at least once every night, because dhe knows that no matter where daddy is, they can both see it.
And again thank you for all the answers so far. I am greatful for all the suggestions. It really means a lot to me.
2006-12-07 01:24:09 · update #1
The problem here is that she understands too much. She knows what death means. Even in cartoons, (spongebob) if something or someone falls over, she says oh no mama look they dead. now im sad they gone. I didn't teach her that. She doesn't spend time with anyone who would teach her that. If she was a normal child I never would have hesitated going with the no of course not honey. But she would now something wasn't right with that. I know because when she asked my mother in law came over and gave her that answer. She said but daddy shoots daddy fights what if daddy gets shot. and again, I have kept her sheltered from this. from the few instances that she walks in and sees the news or a commercial or her uncles video games is where she gets all this. So I can not patronize her in my answer. She will know, and I won't do that to her.
2006-12-07 08:22:06 · update #2
She seems like a pretty grown up little girl ... since she asked you have to tell her as plainly as possible that daddy is a soldier and that a soldiers job is very dangerous ... and although there is some risk involved ...NO you don't think her daddy is going to die because he wants to come home to see his little girl as soon as he can .....
You have to make her realise that this what you believe ... and belief is what gets us through the toughest times in our lives ... regardless of what that belief is in
Good Luck ... and God Bless :)
2006-12-06 22:24:05 · answer #1 · answered by deadkelly_1 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
This is soo sad. The only thing I know is I once heard someone say to answer questions on an age appropriate level. My daughter like yours has always seemed older when it came to conversations and questions. It gets harder as they get older. You can tell her that everyone will die someday but her daddy will probably live a very long time and that he is fighting for all of us and her so that we can have a happier safer future together. Keep reassuring her that he loves her. When I was in the army my daughter was only 3-I came home just b4 her fourth b-day(like 9 days b4). while I was away, my husband would let her write and send pictures and I would write her her very own letters and send stickers and postcards. I know that your husband may not have much time to write, but let your daughter write to him. This will make her feel closer to him. When I came home my daughter asked, "Mommy why did you have to work 2 days?" I thought to myself is that all it seemed to her. She is still young and maybe she too doesn't fel like it isas long as it really is. Don't be afraid to talk to her about death, it is part of life. I'm not sure if you are a religious person, but if you are you can let her know if God takes daddy that it is because He needed him more than you guys. Also, a pastor may be able to give you some advice about how to answer these questions. Just always be honest with her, she'll thank you for it one day and this will keep your relationship close as she gets older. Thank your husband for me and God bless you and yours.
2006-12-07 08:54:53 · answer #2 · answered by tc381mc 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My nephew's dad is in the Air Force and he asks me things like that, too.
But my niece's dad is NOT ... he's a mechanic. And she wondered similar things at that age, too.
She's just getting to the age where she kind of understands death. Maybe she doesn't know what it means exactly ... but she knows we're not all around forever and she's looking for reassurance that nothing bad will happen.
I would tell her "Sweetie, your daddy loves you very very much. And he will always want to take care of you. That's really why he goes away sometimes ... he is helping lots of other people to protect families just like ours. But he will always be there to take care of you especially, even when you're so old you don't need him to anymore. He might die someday, but if that happens soon he will still be there for you and so will everyone else. You'll probably be grown up and have your own family to protect by the time he dies, just like daddy's doing for you now. Even then, if you feel like you need him when you're old, he'll still be in your heart."
That is what we told my nephew whose dad is in the Air Force. It might also help, if your husband is able to talk on the phone sometimes, for him to tell her the same thing. It is totally truthful but also might make her feel better.
Good luck with her. She needs to know the honest truth that yes, this could happen, but no matter what, he loves her.
2006-12-07 06:48:00 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Well, I'm pretty honest with my son about death. We live across the street from a cemetary, so it's hard not to be. I always tell him, when he askes me question, the truth in an age appropriate way. I say something like "yes, everyone will die someday" Then I explain to him what I believe to be the after life (in heaven with Jesus). He went through all of this a lot last year when his great grandma died. We didn't allow him at the funeral viewing, but he did go to the burial.
Just be honest. Tell her that her daddy is off saving hundreds (and millions of americans here) of lives, and you are so proud of him. He will die someday, but you don't know when.
2006-12-07 08:08:23 · answer #4 · answered by ♥sweet♥ 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't' tell a 2 year old that everyone is going to die someday. I don't care how advanced they are, their minds can't really comprehend it. I am a Christian too but that is not the point in this situation. A child of a deployed military member needs to be reassured that daddy or mommy will come home. If God forbid something happens to him, then you would need to seek professional help anyways! Plan for the best!
2006-12-07 15:53:18 · answer #5 · answered by usmcspouse 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
First of all, thank you! To you, your husband and your family for the sacrifices the both of you are making for us. Secondly, death is a hard concept for adults to grasp and deal with. Maybe, just this once it is ok to lie to her. Or sweeten the truth. Tell her something like "daddy is working, he's just far away and that doesn't mean he's going to die, it just means we can't see him for a little while." Also, where did she get the idea of him dying?
Good luck, I wish you all the best, and again Thank you!
2006-12-07 07:13:24 · answer #6 · answered by Mommy to One 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Easy, I'm a military wife too. I'd tell them that yes, Daddy will die. One day. But not now and not for a long time. Mommy isn't going to die right now either. If we did die tomorrow, they would go live with Aunt C. and Uncle G. and Cousin K. We would not want them to be sad, but to remember us and be happy. But Mommy and Daddy plan to be around lots and lots of years, so don't worry about us. We want to see them get married and have kids and that's a long time away. We have to live lots of years to see them have kids of their own!
2006-12-07 06:24:45 · answer #7 · answered by Velken 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
say,"sugar, daddy is a brave soldier and very good at his job. He loves you very much and will never want to leave you. He always tries to come home and be with us.He will die sometime but not now. Even when he dies, the whole nation will always remember him. But let anything happen, I'm always with you and we both love you."
2006-12-07 07:15:30 · answer #8 · answered by Dixie 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If you are christian, I suggest you tell her that if God needs her daddy to take care of things in heaven, he will take him so he can work for God, but one day she will go to heaven and help daddy.Assure her that if God needs her daddy to come home and look after her and yourself, he will come home.I cant even think of how hard this must be on you. I am so sorry that you have to do this, but children are not stupid, they know what is going on, better to be honest, but subtle. Good luck. May God be with your family in this difficult time.
2006-12-07 06:32:02 · answer #9 · answered by Jade22 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
well it is a hard question to answer for a child so young. What i would advise u to do is to make her understand how much her father loves her, if there are pictures of her and her father when he was at home let her see it often.
2006-12-07 06:43:28 · answer #10 · answered by Onyewuchi K 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋