marriage in Islam... for my brothers and sisters?

Question

asalamwalaikum

I am almost engaged :) to a very old friend of mine and before we go through with the formal engagement (with the families and all that fun stuff) we want to make sure that we have the same idea of marriage and the same expectations.

** i was wondering if anyone knew of the rules for husbands and wives in Islam. the rules for marriage as whole will help, but i am looking more for the specific roles of a husband and a wife.

thank you all for your time and answers ahead of time

peace and blessings to all

also, if you can, please cite sources whether it be scholars interpretation, Quran, or Hadith

Answer 1

The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.

* Marriage serves as a means to emotional and sexual gratification and as a means of tension reduction. It is also a form of Ibadah because it is obeying Allah and his messenger - i.e. Marriage is seen as the only possible way for the sexes to unite. One could choose to live in sin, however by choosing marriage one is displaying obedience to Allah.

Marriage is "mithaq" - a solemn covenant (agreement). It is not a matter which can be taken lightly. It should be entered into with total commitment and full knowledge of what it involves. It is not like buying a new dress where you can exchange it if you don't like it. Your partner should be your choice for life. One should be mature enough to understand the demands of marriage so that the union can be a lasting one. For a marriage to be valid certain conditions must be met.

1) consent of both parties.

2) " Mahr" a gift from the groom to his bride.

3) Witnesses- 2 male or female.

4) The marriage should be publicized, it should never be kept secret as it leads to suspicion and troubles within the community.

Is Marriage obligatory?

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According to Imams Abu Hanifah, Ahmad ibn Hanbal and Malik ibn Anas, marriage is recommendatory, however in certain individuals it becomes wajib/obligatory. Imam Shaafi'i considers it to be nafl or mubah (preferable). The general opinion is that if a person, male or female fears that if he/she does not marry they will commit fornication, then marriage becomes "wajib". If a person has strong sexual urges then it becomes "wajib" for that person to marry. Marriage should not be put off or delayed especially if one has the means to do so.

A man, however should not marry if he or she does not possess the means to maintain a wife and future family, or if he has no sex drive or if dislikes children, or if he feels marriage will seriously affect his religious obligation.

The general principle is that prophet (pbuh) enjoined up in the followers to marry.

He said "when a man marries, he has fulfilled half of his religion , so let him fear Allah regarding the remaining half." This hadith is narrated by Anas. Islam greatly encourages marriage because it shields one from and upholds the family unit which Islam places great importance.

Selection of a partner:

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The choice of a partner should be the one with the most "taqwa" (piety). The prophet recommended the suitors see each other before going through with marriage. It is unreasonable for two people to be thrown together and be expected to relate and be intimate when they know nothing of each other. The couple are permitted to look at each other with a critical eye and not a lustful one. This ruling does not contradict the ayah which says that believing men and women should lower their gaze.

- The couple, however are not permitted to be alone in a closed room or go out together alone. As the hadith says "when a man and a woman are together alone, there is a third presence i.e. shaitan.

- There is no concept of courtship in Islam as it is practised in the west. There is no dating or living in defacto relationship or trying each other out before they commit to each other seriously. There is to be no physical relationship what so ever before marriage. The romantic notions that young people often have, have proven in most cases to be unrealistic and harmful to those involved. We only have to look at the alarming divorce rate in the west to understand this point. e.g. the couple know each other for years, are intimate, live together and so on yet somehow this does not guarantee the success of the future marriage. Romance and love simply do not equal a everlasting bond between two people.

Fact: Romance and love die out very quickly when we have to deal in the real world. The unrealistic expectations that young people have is what often contributes to the failure of their relationship.

- The west make fun of the Islamic way of marriage in particular arranged marriage, yet the irony is that statistically arranged marriages prove to be more successful and lasting than romantic types of courtship.

This is because people are blinded by the physical attraction and thus do not choose the compatible partner.

Love blinds people to potential problems in the relationship. There is an Arabic saying: which says "the mirror of love is blind, it makes zucchini into okra". Arranged marriages on the other hand, are based not on physical attraction or romantic notions but rather on critical evaluation of the compatibility of the couple.

This is why they often prove successful.

Consent of parties.

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There is a halal arranged marriage and a haram one. It is OK to arrange marriages by suggestion and recommendation as long as both parties are agreeable. The other arranged marriage is when parents choose the future spouse and the couple concerned are forced or have no choice in the matter.

One of the conditions of a valid marriage is consent of the couple.

Marriage by definition is a voluntary union of two people.

The choice of a partner by a Muslim virgin girl is subject to the approval of the father or guardian under Maliki school. This is to safeguard her welfare and interests. The prophet said "the widow and the divorced woman shall not be married until she has consented and the virgin shall not be married until her consent is obtained. The prophet did revoke the marriage of a girl who complained to him that her father had married her against her wishes.

The husband/wife relationship.

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-The wifes rights - the Husbands obligations.

(1) Maintenance

The husband is responsible for the wifes maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequen tial whether the wife is a Muslim , non-Muslim, rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.

The wifes maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wifes lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.

If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: The best Muslim is one who is the best husband.

(2) "Mahr "

The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.

(3) Non-material rights.

A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.

The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.

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One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is:

"Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the apples of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous"

The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.

A wife should make herself sexually attractive to her husband and be responsive to his advances. The wife must not refuse her husband sexually as this can lead to marital problems and worse still - tempt the man to adultery. The husband of course should take into account the wifes health and general consideration should be given.

Obedience.

^^^^^^^^^

The purpose of obedience in the relationship is to keep the family unit running as smoothly as possible. The man has been given the right to be obeyed because he is the leader and not because he is superior. If a leader is not obeyed , his leadership will become invalid -Imagine a king or a teacher or a parent without the necessary authority which has been entrusted to them.

Obedience does not mean blind obedience. It is subject to conditions:

(a) It is required only if what is asked from the wife is within the permissible categories of action.

(b) It must be maintained only with regard to matters that fall under the husband rights.

Answer 2

You should go directly to the source. Check out the Koran. I'm not Muslim, actually a Christian, but it makes sense to me to do that.

What about the issue of Polygamy? Do you want the right to get a divorce?
What country will you be living in? That would probably have some bearing too.

There is also really good information on www.bbc.uk.co under religions under Islam. It has interesting articles about these kind of things.

Wishing you all the best!!!

Answer 3

Peace be upon you.

May I suggest both of you and would-be husband read a lot of Islamic books and Islamic websites regarding marriage.

May I suggest the following websites & books:
1) www.islamicity.com (Islamic website)
2) www.harunyahya.com (Islamic website)
3) Try to find and buy a book regarding Islamic Marriage by Muhammad Qutb (the author is an Arab but his book has been translated into many languages including English and Chinese). In his book the author talks about the rights and duties of Muslims husband and wife. The book even talk about wearing perfume to enhance the relationship of husband and wife.
4) Buy and read the book of Hadith Shahih Bukhari or Shahih Muslim. There is already an English translation of the said book.
5) Buy and read the book entitled "Riyadush Shalihin" by Imam Nawawi. I believe this book has also been translated into English.

Wish you an everlasting happiness.

P/s: Always remember to pray to Allah to protect your marriage as the Satan like to disturb the marriage of Muslims without they are aware of it. Some time we can see Muslims couples fight or argue without any good reason. This is probably the works of Satan. Please seek refuge in Allah.

Answer 4

wa'alaykum us salaam warhamatulahee wabaraktuhu

Congratulations on your almost engagement! :) If you two are the best for each other, I pray that Allah grants both of you happiness and success together, and may your marriage be blessed.

Now that I got the du'a out of the way... daaang! You're asking for a lot of information! :) There are entire classes on this subject alone. That being said, I happen to have the very detailed notes to those classes :D Please email me your email address and I will email you two things 1) a Word document (about 11 pages) on how to be a successful spouse in Islam (with tips for both the husband and wife), and 2) Fiqh of Love in Islam notes (about 95 pages).

Again, I pray that everything turns out for the best!

Answer 5

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

We have made many customs and traditions and when we are looking for a better half we look for many things but NOT religion.

We never think will our better half can be a good Muslim parent of our children.

We need to make our Marriages easy and choose our spouse wisely. As a good spouse is a good parent.

http://ulemaonline.com/mufti-ismael-menk-final-deciding-factor-should-be-religion-marriage/

Answer 6

First of all, let me congratulate both of you and wish yuou a very long, happily married life.

I'm not a Muslim, but the Google Search gave me these sites that you might want to look up:
http://www.ezsoftech.com/omm/handbook.asp
That site is called the Nikaah Handbook.

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/marriage.html

Tips for a Happier Muslim Marriage By Muntaqima Abdur-Rashid might also be useful:
http://www.islamfortoday.com/marriage_tips.htm

All the very best!!!

Answer 7

Alaikum Assalam

I put some links below to some good articles which include the info you request. There are also some excellent books about the Wife's and Husband's duty in marriage.

http://www.jannah.org/sisters/marr.html
http://www.islamicgarden.com/marriagelinks.html
http://www.themodernreligion.com/family/family_marriagelegal.html
http://www.zawaj.com/articles.html

Insha Allah this will give you some insight!

Answer 8

walaikumsalam wr wb Sister !!!

WOW !!! thats a great news sister.....Happy to know that you are going to take a major decision of your life.My wishes are with you .All the best and may you have all the happiness in your life :):)

Oh btw Sorry havn't given the actual answer but i think Poki brother 's answer is enough for that....just wanted to wish you.

May Allah Bless You And Always Be Happy !!!

Answer 9

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/marriage.html

http://www.islamonline.net/english/introducingislam/Family/Marriage/article01.shtml

You will find more if you look thru good Islamic websites. Also, brother Poki Poki tried to clarify the rules regarding it.

May Allah bless you with a happy married life.

Answer 10

it would depend on your view of Islam.

If you are a Traditionalist:
-Return to Quran and Sunna but not outside the views of the first 3 generations
-Literalist / fundamentalist
-Islam is perfect and set (with roles for women and men)
-Acceptance for Islamic heritage (legacy) little criticism
-Scholars of the past views are sufficient
-Women are dependent on men and not their own agents (no public role)

Revivalist
-Islam is perfect but not set with flexibility
-Return to the Quran and Sunna but not always followed
-Inherited legacy is not Islamic but culture
-Women are dependent on men but have rights (treatment, employment, inheritance, control over own finances, and divorce)
-Do have a role in society but as mother

Modernist
-Islam is a dynamic process that is not set
-People are still reunderstanding the text
-Return to the text with a willingness to engage in more radical interpretations
-Key women interruptions (her voice more critical and rejected at times by classical schools of thought
-Culture is rejected as being un-Islamic
-Women and men are equal with distinct roles

Personally my husband and I are modernist. We believe we are equal. I am able to have all of the freedoms the Quran promised women. I am educated, with freedom to do as I want, we both take care of our children (I will be sleeping in the morning and he will be taking our sons to school) because he knows that I have had to stay up late working on a paper for school.

to find more of a womans role in Islamic society you should read.

Qur'an and Woman by Amina Wadud

Answer 11

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