Should I homeschool because he's shy?

Question

My son will be almost 6 by the time he enters kindergarten. He will more than likely be reading, writing and doing math at a 2nd grade level. (He's well into 1st grade now.) I am a school teacher by trade (before I was a mom), and I am open to the idea of homeschooling.

The trouble is that my son is very shy and takes a long time to transition to new situations. He's never been to preschool and already hates the idea of going to school. He even cries at the idea. (I'm a teacher, so obviously I've talked plenty about school and how fun it is. We've even visited several!) I want to do the right thing for him. Would it be better to keep him home a few more years and let him become more social at his own pace? Or would I be making things worse by keeping him out of the "system" and making him transition at a time when all the other kids are used to it? (We've decided we don't want to homeschool past 8th grade if we did it.)

The other problem is that we are in the process of moving. Our house is up for sale and we haven't bought a new one yet. I don't want to enroll him in a local school or preschool and get him used to that and then pick him up and move him. He's very slow to make friends, but when he does, he doesn't want to leave them.

Answer 1

There are three issues here to consider:

1) Your son's social personality. From my experience, shyness is not "cured" by going to school. Nor is shyness "created" by homeschooling. Kids are either slow to warm up to new people, or they are not. You said that your son is fine once he gets to know people. This is a healthy and perhaps even preferable way to make friends. People who are "sociable" aren't necessarily better at making friends. And, he's only 6. He has plenty of time to grow into his personality and learn which social situations he's comfortable with, and which ones he's not.

My daughter is almost 6, and she is "shy" in some cases, and not in others. She (and I) have learned when she's shy. Classroom situations where she is studying something she doesn't want to do is one of those places that she's "shy". Actually, she's not being shy, that's just her way of withdrawing when being asked to do something that isn't a good fit for her. You get her in a place where she's enjoying herself, and she's very outgoing. She also makes friends quickly in those situations as well.

For some, school is the "right" place for their social personalities. For others it isn't. School doesn't cure people's personalities. It either fosters it, or it doesn't. Same with homeschooling, although I would argue that homeschooling is far more flexible and adaptable to a wider range of social preferences.

Once you and your son get to know what he likes, and once you get involved with some groups and activities, his shyness will probably lessen. And as he gets older, if you focus on helping him feel confident in who he is, and confident in his abilities, he may always be slow to warm up to people, but it won't matter because he'll be confident and quiet. My hubby's like that, and people like him a lot for it. Being quiet and introspective is not a bad thing.

2) He's working at a nearly 2nd grade level. What this means is that school won't teach him anything right now. Being so ahead of his peers might actually make him more uncomfortable and withdrawn. So, if he's not going to learn anything, and he's going to be uncomfortable and feel pressure to be something that he's not because it's not OK to by shy in school (you can tell it's not OK to be shy in school by all the responses about how you should send him to school so he won't be shy), then what's the point of sending him to school?

3) You're moving. If you guys have a good family rhythm going on, and he's adamantly resisting the idea of school, why send him? Moving is stressful enough. Let him be where he's the most comfortable, and where it will be the least amount of stress for your family. After you move to your new place, and settle in, maybe he'll change his mind and want to go to school to meet the kids in the neighborhood. Or maybe not. Either way, you won't know until you get there.

Hope this is helpful. Good luck!

Answer 2

I would wait until after your move for several reasons. First of all, you are going to have so much to do during the move, you will be stressed out and that will not be a good time to start your son in a new situation which will be stressful for him. I would probably wait for that reason until you are in the new home and he has had time to get adjusted to that new situation and things have gotten calmed down. That would be a lot of stress for a child to handle: a move and a new school and leaving friends at an old school and making new friends and all at once if he had to leave one school/start another new school. I would just wait until you are a little more settled and start him at a school at that point if you decide not to home school. Plus with homeschool your schedule can be more flexible with the move as well.

Your son will be fine waiting until then, many children do not attend preschool, and are just fine socially. And many children homeschool and are just fine socially. I would just try to make some time, even during the move, for some social activities for him, maybe a playgroup or sports or park outing or something he will enjoy. Truthfully, my son attended preschool and school for 5 years and is more shy than my homeschooled all her life dd who is very outgoing and friendly. I think most kids are born shy or outgoing and homeschooling or public school doesn't change their basic personality types, so your son is probably always going to be shy to some extent whether he is homeschooled, public, or private schooled (and so is almost half the population so I wouldn't worry too much), and he'll naturally outgrow the crying as he gets older.

It sounds like your son is well ahead of the game, so he could transition easily anytime he wanted to academically speaking. And socially, right now he would probably pick up a lot of the bad habits of his peers. A lot of the other answers here comment on the socializing that homeschoolers are missing on, but since you have a teaching background, you are probably aware that a lot of the socializing that occurs in the elementary years is of a negative sort really, the children are immature and tend to be more of a negative social impact esp. when the teacher or other adult is not around (have you ever seen the children during lunch hour; it is almost frightening?!?). Anyway, I don't think you are missing out if you delay on placing your son in school for a year or years. Good luck and post again if you want!

Karen

Answer 3

It's not a matter of should you homeschool him. It's a matter of: Do you think it's best? Are you willing and able to make connections in the community you are moving to? Are you willing to get out? Willing to be home with him? There are no shoulds in this situation.

As for your specific questions, yes, your son could definitely benefit from more time to mature socially at home and within more controlled and limited social situations instead of being thrown into a half-day, then full-day, social situation. Also, the fact that he's advanced academically will put further strain on the social situation.

You can help your son transition to the school system later on by making your homeschooling one that fosters that transition. As he grows, you find more opportunities for him to participate in activities outside the house. You talk to him as the time approaches about school and how it's set up. You work on having him be confident about who he is and being used to meeting different people all the time. You make sure to attend open houses at schools the year, or more, before he is to attend. You have him meet with the principal and possibly some teachers his grade 8 year. You can undoubtedly think of other ways to help.

Essentially, your homeschooling experience would be what you make of it. There are no absolutes. If you keep him at home and don't do anything outside the house, then yes, it would probably be a mistake to homeschool him then send him to school in grade 9. If you structure your homeschooling to help him grow and to provide him with a good transition, then it will be a fine experience.

Answer 4

I think that there are a lot of reasons to homeschool, I don't think this is one of them. If you keep sheltering him how will he become more ready for those social situations. I would start now with a Mothers Day Out or preschool where you don't have to send him everyday all day. Even if you decide to homeschool you will need to make sure he has a good amount of socializing.

We homeschool because when we enrolled my son in kindergarten he was so far ahead he was bored. They couldn't challenge him because the other kids were nowhere close to him, and public school cannot be one on one. So we pulled him. But we live on a street with 2 other families that homeschool, we just signed him up for basketball. He attends Sunday school Sunday morning and AWANAS Wednesday nights with kids his age and childrens chior with kids from 5 to 11 (he is 8). He was in a play and pageant at church.

You have to give him some space from you to gain some confidence. Look around. Check into local homeschool groups. Set up play dates with friends. Arrange to drop him off one time in exchange for them dropping of next time.

Good Luck.

Answer 5

I would start getting him acclimated to other kids now my enrolling him in preschool for at least half day a few times a week.

In most places he can do a half day kindergarten if you choose and provide transportation home, so if he's still not ready, that's another option.

How about getting him involved in Cub Scouts , church group, or a sports team or something else that he likes? If he has a friend who will join with him it might help ease the stress.

He's going to have to learn to deal with people anyway, so keep him in public school and deal with the problem now instead of letting it worsen later. Talk to a doctor or therapist if he's so shy he can't function.

You don't want to homeschool past eighth grade, but think about how hard it's going to be for him to transition to high school, especially if you haven't really dealt with the problem.

It sounds as though you're very caring, and just want the best for your son.

Good luck!

Answer 6

Well everyone has good points, but I think I'll state my opinions now. I'm home schooled at the moment, and I'm in 10th grade. I just started home schooling last year, and it's the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm shy as well, but that'll never change, it's my personality. In 7th grade I got a little of track, stopped going to school, my grades dropped etc. That continued well into 9th grade, and homeschooling was the best option. I'm getting straight A's [something I haven't done in awhile.] and I'm more happy. I don't have to worry about getting distracted and such. But just because a person is shy, doesn't mean they won't find friends. It's easier for younger kids to make friends.

But if you feel that homeschooling is the best for your child then you should do it. After all parents do know what's best for their kids. Especially if you're moving, you shouldn't enroll him into school right now. If you are going to home school him, you have to make sure that he's involved in activities with other kids everyday though. It'll just help develop his social skills. Find something he likes to do, and sign him up into a program that involves it. Maybe he likes to play baseball? A baseball team would help him develop social skills and enjoy a favorite sport of his.

Answer 7

Our situations are quite similar. I took my ds out of K because the teacher said that I had overly prepared him. He too, started at age six because of his birth date. He is also very shy.

My son is now 10 and continues to be rather shy. I have put him in hs (homeschool) bowling leagues, 4h, scouts, soccer...and he's still shy and awkward around folks. That is just how he is.

Now if you are going to go to great lengths to keep your child around lots of other kids, then hsing is a great thing. But hsing because your child is shy or because you are moving...alone...is not enough.

I knew that my child was a bright kid, gifted in math, reading, spelling etc. So instead of him wasting a ton of time walking halls, waiting for other kids to catch up to what he already knew or picked up on quickly, all the messing around time in ps...etc etc etc...I hs him.

Especially in the first few years, he's learned way more than he would have in ps. But my tip would be that if you decide to hs, get your child in SOME sort of classroom situation every year along the way. A class someplace, of some kind. Something your child will enjoy. So that classroom 'stuff' and ps 'stuff' is not foreign and scary. Especially if you are already planning to put him back in ps at some point.

Answer 8

Schooling is a lot more than just the education, and I'm sure you know that. But when you are younger learning to socialize and network with people is crucial part of growing up! My cousins were taken from public schools when they were about the 6th and 2nd grade. The girl is nearly 21 now and the boy is 17, they both lack the social skills that I have being at that same age as them. The girl is naive and strives for any type of attention possible, even when it is negative in return. The boy is also just as naive when it comes to "real world" things, and is having a hard time with relationships with the opposite sex, ie. either getting the run-a-round from the girl, or not knowing how to interact with them like the other boys do. I know you are just trying to do the best for your child, but I think it would be harming him more in the long run. He won't be the only shy child in class! Good luck with everything!

Answer 9

Homeschooling is good. He would get the education he needs, and not be subjected to his social fears. When he is a bit older and more capable of understanding the social aspect of "school" then maybe you could enroll him then. It's more important at this age, in my opinion, to get him grounded in learning to learn. Let him be social with other children in other venues, ie.: play groups, the park, maybe some type of church function. I don't believe it's mandatory at this age to force him just for the sake of social maturity. He will get there in his own time. Every kid is different, and progresses at different times. I think it's perfectly fine to be home-schooled until he is ready to venture that path, and most likely, he will. Good luck Mom, sounds like you and Dad are doing your homework, and doing a great job looking out for your sons best interest! :)

Answer 10

Just incase you don't know....there are many homeschoolng organizations in most areas...there are so many ways to be "socialized" and at the pace that is comfortable for your child...there is no hurry...it is "ok" not to get on the "normal" merry-go-round, just because everyone else is riding...Our son was home schooled and now attends college in an engineer program....Is very socialized...The most important thing though, he is very cemented in what he believes...and even though there is much that goes on in college as way of drinking, partying, etc....He is not interested in the life styles that are going to rob his future...Your best indicator of what is best for your son....is your son. Don't be afraid to go with that. Good luck.