Should I let my child's father see her when he doesnt support her? .?

Question

He lives in Atlanta and he refuses to pay stating that I wont let her come to Atlanta to visit. He wants me to spend my own money to get her there and leave her there saying he'll bring her back. He's never paid Child support even before he started making that ridiculous request. Just a more convenient excuse now. She doesnt know him because he chose to move to Atlanta when she was 2, she's 8 now. He calls every blue moon, sometimes i have to make her come to the phone. His parents totally love her and are there for her always, she loves them. She's their first and only grandchild. He's saying he'll be in for Xmas but he hasnt ask me what she needs or wants. I dont intend to change my plans when he gets here just to accomdate him, yet i dont want to hurt his parents what should i do. I've filed for support but i cant make him be a father should I give up. I dont have any feelings 4 him men who dont take care of their children disgust me, I have no use 4 them. I have 0 respect 4 he

Answer 1

no! if he wants to see her then he can find a way to come and see her at your house... when you have the time!!!

Answer 2

It really is a shame to hear about so many families falling apart due to one parent completely neglecting their responsibilities. You are very lucky to have his parents in the picture. Perhaps you can work out an agreement with them, where all of his visitations are done at their house. That way they can talk to him, get everything arranged and you never even have to speak to him. Of course I would still go after him in the courts to pay child support. In Florida they actually garnish their wages. Not sure how other states work.
Sounds kind of risky to me to just send her to Atlanta without being aware of how he lives or what types of people he has around. I don't think that you should totally cut him off from contact with her, but like others have said it should be on your terms. Strict terms that make you feel comfortable. However never forget that sometimes people do change. Perhaps one day he will truly start to make a solid effort to see her. If that day ever comes don't let your anger get in the way of their relationship.
Best of Luck. :o)

Answer 3

I don't know what your laws are in your state. As much as this might suck to hear it has to be said. Child support in Ohio has NOTHING to do with visitation in the courts eyes. Their way of thinking is a child is not rented. So even if your ex is thousands behind he still has his visitation rights. I have an ex too and there are issues I am involved in as well.

That said, I don't think you should have to pay to get her there unless court ordered. Even if the court did order something like that later on, it would only be half.

You need to call him up and tell him that he needs to come up with a reasonable visitation that is in the best intrests of the child. If you two can't do that then you need to go into court mediation.

Good luck! I know it sucks, but that is how it is in Ohio.

Answer 4

you can't make him pay anything! I don't care if there is an order or not. Trust me, I have been fighting with my ex-husband for 10 years!!!
Check your states laws, you might be able to file for abandonment, which will completely terminate his parental rights. Your daughter can still have a relationship with his parents, but he will have no legal right to her. In most states, there is a 5 year waiting period to file for abandonment, but you will have to check that out for yourself.
DO NOT send her to him!!! There is a very good possibility that he won't return her. And if it comes down to it make him pay for everything, including your flight and hotel and go down there with her.
Talk to you daughter. Find out if SHE wants to see him. She is old enough now to somewhat understand what's going on. If there are times when you have to drag her to the phone and make her talk to him, then most likely the best plan would be to avoid him.
Obviously he doesn't want to be a father, so don't worry about him. Just be the best mommy that you can be and know that your daughter will grow up knowing that you loved her more then anything else!!
Good luck!

Answer 5

Well I would ask your daughter. She is at the age to make up her mind if she wants to see daddy. I remember when I was a child I had to go to VA ( I live in St. Louis) every Holiday to visit my dad and i hated it. i didn't know him and I felt uncomfortable without my mom there. It felt like being in a strangers home. He didn't pay child support either. I would let her decide and then maybe make an arrangement for all of you to do something. You, your daughter, the father, and his parents. Maybe go to dinner or a indoor park. Then she can make her decision off of that. Good luck!

Answer 6

Been there so I understand your frustration. Our situations sound very similar and what I hear is that even thought he's failed in his role as a dad you, just like I hah to, need to face the fact that you opcked him and now you and unfortunately your daughter have to live with the consequences of that poor choice. Now I am not writing to beat up on you just puttig out some hard truth. Now let's get to the real point. I assume that you, especially because you stayed, love and care deeply for your daughter and it also seems that you also care for your daughters extended family. Even though he is a BUM sometimes we do things that BUMs benefit from for those that we do love. You have to this point been the mature adult in this situation continue on that path, even when it doesn't seem like it, taking the higher and often harder road will serve you well. No I would not pay to send my daughter to where he is however if he actually did show up to see his parents and you feel safe having your daughter with them then even if it meant altering plans it may be good for your daughter to see that the reason she does not see her dad is dad's fault not mommy's. Now just a word of warning, having been through this horrid situation twice, brace yourself during the teen years you will most likely be blamed for the absence of the father....some direct quotes i've had to endure "If you weren't so MEAN my dad would come around?" "You don't let me see my dad" "You expect too much from him and he could never live up to it so he doesn't come around"........Take heart....don't take the comments to heart....they eventually grow and realize that it's no one elses fault but their father's.And ,of course, they take it all out on you because as a counselor told me and my son 16 years ago...."Don't get mad at your dad becuase if you did maybe he really would never come around.....but instead get mad at your Mom becuase you know that no matter what you say or do she's never going anywhere and will ALWAYS be there for you" Powerful , strong words spoken to a 16 year old and to this date he has never forgotten them. And he looks back and can see without a doubt that I never hindered and even often times went way out of my may, at my own cost, to let him see his father so no blame is at my door. Today my son's favorite comment is.....Hey mom guess who called "The Father of The Year". I'm sure his father would cringe to know this, but then that would be his own fault. The bible tells us all clearly you reap what you sow.

Answer 7

You're only hurting your child, using him/her as a weapon in your battle against your ex.

Your child DESERVES to see his/her father, regardless of whether or not he's paying child support. The only exception to this would be if he's abusive or engaging in behavior that is dangerous to the child.

If you continue preventing your child from seeing his/her father, then YOU will be the one who will pay the price later, as your child will NOT thank you for manipulating the situation to suit your personal feelings.

Grow up and be a parent and put your child's needs first.

Answer 8

Honestly, if he doesn't pay support the state will not enforce a visitation. Plain and simple you pay to play. However you need to seriously report this to the DA's office. You should not be doing this on your own. Sounds like you have good head on your shoulders and can do alot for your child. I agree with keeping close contact with his parents. They should not have to suffer due to their son's inexcusable behavior. I would call his mother and father and be honest. I am sure they know the score. But, just state what you have told here. You respect them but cannot respect their son, and his demands. If his father has anything to say I am sure it is about his no good son. Father's tend to be harder on their sons about this behavior, esp when they had a good role model and pull this stunt (my dad did the same stuff!)

So talk to them, ask your daughter what she would like to do and support her decision. If she wants to see her Dad, support that. But also brace yourself for any outcome of that decision.

I Hope THis Helps,
Amy

Answer 9

Normally I would say don't let your hostility for him cloud your rational judgement but from what you describe letting him see her might do more harm than good. I would agree that if he insists on seeing her he can do it under your supervision. He can come to your house and visit with her. Don't worry about his parents, they probably know he's a deadbeat dad. You aren't hurting them by not letting him see her. You're priority is protecting your daughter and maybe unfortunately, from him.

Answer 10

Obviously you should not let him see her -- he's completely abdicated his responsiblity and does not deserve to -- all your responses will focus on that point.

I think the bigger reason to not let him see her is because of your daughter. The amount of confusion and heartache this will cause her will be something that will impact her life for a long long time. Your job as a mother is to do what is right for your child -- not for you, not for him, not for his parents -- but for HER.
What is right for her is having a nice stable life with you, not randomly seeing this person who comes in and out of her life that she is told that she is supposed to love.

Answer 11

i would never hold her from him whether he pays or not....i always let my ex see his girls and he never paid and now that he does he throws it up to their faces about how his new family needs that money (the girls were first btw) but you know what? my girls have formed their own opinions about him and i have never said a bad word about him to them....he dug his own grave on this one....if your daughter is smart (and i think she is) she will figure this out on her own and make an informed decision about him....otherwise no i would not change my plans and i would not let him guilt me into anything as it is not your fault, your daughters fault, nor his parents fault that he only wants to play daddy when its convenient for him!