My Older Boyfriend has Choked Me with his hands,his belt and a pipe before?

Question

At the time I was 18, he was 27. He had done this about 2 or 3 times.But the one time we were in bed talking about sex,he reached near the under the bed&pulled out a metal pipe&put it on my neck, I lay there&was laughing but I saw in his eyes he was kinda getting off on this. Then I pretend it was nothing &starting play fighting him back. He also used his hand&a belt, once.
One time we were arguing&I wen&lay on the couch&he came in the room&lay on top of me caressing my body as if were about to get intimate but using a voilent touch&then he starting saying in a calm voice 'I'm sorry, but u are so disobedient, I'm ur everything u can't talk back to me.I'm your alpha,omega,ur begining ur end,do u love me then u gotta do what I say if u want this to work'
I still love him today but cuz of his violent money driven lifestyle he was murdered last year,by a guy he was fighting with I never told anyone this but I wanna reach out now, it still bothers me, wondering what he would have done

He was murdered last year, so we obviously arent together even though I still love him, besides that he was a great guy. Everything from opening doors for me to paying for my first year of college.He was a great guy besides these little stunts he tried to pull

AND YES THIS IS MY SECOND TIME POSTIN THIS!

Ok 4 those of u who can't read what I posted and then look at the last sentence and figure out that Im asking what would he have done (in ur opinion of course) if this had continued! Yahoo only gives us 1000 characters gosh!

Answer 1

I can see you're trying to come to terms with his behaviour towards you and whether or not he loved you, doing what he did to you, apart from wondering whether he would have seriously hurt or even killed you.

From what you tell us, he seems to have had a domination/sadism fetish and he was pushing you into the submissive/masochist role. Fetsihes are sexual expressions of emotional and psychological undertows and find their origin in early childhood. Possibly something similar was done to him as a child, and he was repeating the pattern from a controlling position.

Did you ever feel frightened with him? Did you trust him not to hurt you? I can't say how far his control over his actions went, you are a better judge of that. People with a domination fetish have a huge emotional dependency because of what was done to them in their childhood when they were not only emotionally but indeed physically dependent on a person with power over them, usually a mother or a mother-substitute. They seek to control their relationship in order to secure its perpetuation, and at the same time they channel the traumas they have lived and supressed.

If he didn't hurt you while you were together and did nothing against your explicit will, I don't think it would have come to worse. I think in some way he expected you to submit to him, in sexual play and possibly outside the bedroom as well. It may not have been your thing, and given time you would have talked about it and worked it out with the help of a marriage counseler or a psychologist if you both loved each other and wanted to continue the relationship. From what you write, I don't see you were ever in any real danger.

None of this will tell you whether or not he loved you, you'll have to look for other signs to determine that. Fetishism is in the first place about selfishly seeking sexual and emotional gratification. Usually fetishists need and seek consent from their partner to achieve this, even if the roleplay expects resistence. One thing I can say is that domination and sadism are not indicators of a lack of love. The gratitude triggered by fetishes that are met by a partner are an excellent breeding ground for love, in fact if pursued beyond the superficial sexual aspect it may enable a person to move from selfishness to selflessness and love.

Submission would have had to be your thing, though. You can't fake submission for a very long time if it isn't.

Answer 2

I don't understand how you can love someone who has hurt you so much. How can you even enjoy it, or stay with him still after what he has done? And what is it about this alpha and omega thing, is he your god? Somehow, I'm glad that you guys aren't together anymore (though death shouldn't have happened, I'm sorry for that). I would advice you to look for a good and sane man in the future, someone who will truly love you, without hurting you physically. You deserve better than that. Even if you 'love' the abuse, would you have wanted a man like that to do those things to your kids?? Hell no! Get yourself a healthy r'ship.

Answer 3

It seems that he had a fetish for violent passion, very normal for people to get off on that stuff. Abnormal for people who don't like it but normal for him. If he never put you in real physical danger then it's just something he enjoyed. But it could be that he was just obsessed and wanted power, to control you and this could have turned out really bad in the end. You know you love him for every other part of his life and there's nothing wrong with it. He respected and showed his appreciation towards you. If he never layed his hands on you for any other reason besides the sex part then he wasn't a very violent person and I'm sure he did love you too.

Answer 4

i have been in that situation before i was 19 and the guy was 29 he treated me sweet at first and then hurt me 3 times the same way. i left him and even though i do love him still but don't want him back thats natural you going to still love him BC he did do nice things for you so its natural to love him still. if you wonder what he would have done just really think about it i know noting good could have happen from him im glad he is not in your life any more but im sorry that he died but honestly he is the one that ask for it im not trying to be mean just say my opinion. just be strong youll be fine

Answer 5

just think of it this way : God has a reason for everything he does.
Maybe you guys were not meant to each other,if he was like that 2 you and you guys were only boyfriend and girlfriend, imagine if you were 2 continue with your relationship? obviously he had a violent person inside of him, and he was about to let it out. You just didn't see or did not wanted to see it. Good luck on your future relationships!!!

Answer 6

I'm very sorry he's dead. I'm sorry for him, mostly. For you, it sounds like an escape and based on what you said about him you needed one. He sounds like he was positively violent. That's NOT a good situation to be in. You don't need a violent partner in your life, you never know when he could use you for target practice.

It's ok for you to still love him, although I don't know why you would. But I feel better for you that you aren't with him and can't possibly get with him. Please be careful with your "next one" and don't pick a violent abuser.

Answer 7

Lady, you were just the first girl in line for a long line of abuse, not to mention a tendency for a serial rapist or killer. Yes, he might have been money driven, but in reality, did you ever go to work with him and see him at his job? Did he ever talk about his job, himself, how much money he made, etc. If he did, then he did have a major problem. Real men don't have to boast about themselves or how they make their money. Men that aren't real tend to get lost in other things, addictions, cruelty, and end of getting theirselves killed. See where I'm going with this? Your ex boyfriend was a physco. Deal with it and move on.

Answer 8

First off sorry to hear that your friend lost his life at anothers hands. Through his actions you could have lost yours at his hands. Some people do get off on role playing and even "choking" during sex and often those people end up injured or dead. A friend of mine lost his son in October while he and his gf were having sex and doing the "choking" thing. You shouldn't have stayed in the relationship with someone that treated you like that. I wish you the best in your future.

Answer 9

WOW - nicely one element is for effective - this isn't any longer genuine love. you haven't any longer experienced love the way a guy would desire to love you. You deserve so lots extra useful than this. there is so lots extra for you available. i might particularly propose which you meet with somebody who can particularly make an effort to take heed to each little thing in counseling. it is going to particularly help you fix issues out and make extra useful options of boyfriends sooner or later. many times, in case you connect with a church - they'd have female counselors who can connect with you. that would desire to be my suggestion.

Answer 10

It's ok to luv him still and the whole shoking thing there is plenty of people in the would that gets off on that sort of thing.... If he was alive today and you were together I don't think that would make for a healthy relationship