My mom is in a nursing home. I am the only child and I live in Arkansas (she is in California) and the only granddaughter lives in Virginia. She needs 24 hour care but I feel so guilty for not being there to take care of her. I am a property manager so I can not move. My daughter is in the military. Any suggestions on how to cope with this?
2006-12-06 03:29:10 · 11 answers · asked by Sim 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
I have gone through the same type of thing with my father in the recent past. He had begin to have a decline in memory and I am also an only child and had to make the decision to put him in assisted living, and then into a nursing home.
It is very difficult to not feel guilty about not being able to take care of your parent who has taken care of you. I fought with these emotions for days on end, until I had several conversations with one of his doctors and some nurses from the assisted living staff. They made me realize that I could not take care of him, without losing my own health and life.
These types of feelings happen to most people who have to make the types of decisions that you are making now. I knew logically that I could not safely take care of my Dad at my home, or supervise his medicinal needs, just keeping track of his meds alone was a daunting task.
In all actuality, your Mom would not do as well having you or your daughter take care of her. She would not want to be a burden to you or your daughter. She would not want you to give up your occupation and income in order to take care of her either, that would just add more stress to her own life changes. I did go through a lot of these discussions with my Dad, and he wouldn't allow me to become his caregiver.
I was very blessed in that I was able to have my Dad only 30 miles away from my home, so that I was able to visit him at least twice per week. I took him out to friends and families homes for special occasions and we went out for lunches and dinners as much as possible.
You may want to look at having your Mom transferred to a nursing home closer to you, and you will be able to visit her more frequently as well. I don't know what her state of health is, but if she is able to be transferred to a location closer to you, you would still be able to be more involved in her life, which will help you deal with the guilt.
I also went into the nursing home and was offered familial counseling from the social worker, and there was a small group that met a couple of times a month to discuss the feelings of guilt and impending loss. A lot of hospitals run these types of family support groups, so you may want to check with your local hospitals and see if this type of help is available.
You are definitely not alone, I met dozens of people over a two year period who were struggling with the same types of thoughts and feelings. My thoughts are prayers are with you and your Mom at this difficult time. My God bless and keep your daughter while she is in the military, that takes a lot of guts to be serving the country in these tough times. Have a good day.
2006-12-06 03:59:21 · answer #1 · answered by Sue F 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Let me tell you from the voice of experience. MOVE YOUR MOTHER NEAR YOU IN A NURSING HOME ASAP!! There are some good nursing homes, don't get me wrong but there are just as many bad ones. They know she has no family to come and see her, so she may not be getting the care she should and she could be getting abused as well. I had my mother in a nursing home and I went every day at different times just to make sure they were treating her right and don't be afraid to raise hell with them either. They don't want to be reported for abuse or neglect and they will accomodate you. You are your mothers only advocate now, so take care of her. It will make her feel better and give you peace of mind and give you a chance to build a good relationship with her.
2006-12-06 07:46:54 · answer #2 · answered by Bren 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First you have to understand how the world has changed from a time when people in the same family, lived in the same village with three, four, even five generations within walking distance, or donkey cart ride from one another. And a time, too, when women did not go out into the world being doctors, investment brokers, property managers etc. etc. They were just homebodies. We have all lost some of the close family intimacy that once was. But who, if confronted with the question seriously, would vote that we go back to that time?
Both my parents are long gone, but I still can remember the time they sat me down and had a good conversation with me. "Look" they said "We did not bring you into this world, and make sacrifices to give you the absolute best education and opportunities money, and our dedication could buy, only for it all to go to waste because you had to dedicate yourself to nursing us when we are old and infirm" They went on...."We gave you a sense of moral values, loyalty, obligation, and the ethics of simply being a good and decent human being - but, the making of your own life is also an obligation as well as a right - just as it was our obligation to give you the tools to do it with". I will never in my life forget that conversation I had with them. I don't believe that when we leave this world we just "go pop". I'm not into most of the religion stuff, because I consider it to be mostly a very long-lasting bit of mythology. But I DO believe that when we leave this world, our "essence" our "personal consciousness" our "soul" if you like that word, transitions to some realm where our loved ones will be reunited with us. And there is no doubt in my mind that MY parents - and yours - when that time comes, will be waiting to say to us "Ya did good. You made us proud". Most people do not bring their children into this world just so they can hang a "guilt trip" on them one day - or to make them become their parents' nursemaid in those evening years. Just ask yourself whether you think of your daughter in that way. My bet is that you will say "heck no, of course not". It's the old fashioned cycle of life my dear. Love is about giving, not sacrificing your whole SELF. Your parents didn't give you your life only to demand it back again in the sacrifice of everything that you have put into building it.
2006-12-06 03:53:51 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You might try looking for a nursing home in your area, then just move her there. Or maybe you could move her into your home and hire a home aide or something. I've heard that things in California are a lot more expensive than other parts of the U.S., so this might be beneficial financially, too. Whatever you decide, good luck.
2006-12-06 03:33:03 · answer #4 · answered by Persephone 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should in no way feel guilty about not being there to take care of your mother...she would not want you to give up for life and your career for her....and 24 hr. care means 24 HOUR! It isn't easy...just went through this with my Grandmother. (we hired someone to come into her home and care for her 24/7, with most of the pay being room and board).
My suggestion migh be this........see if she'd be interested in moving to a facility in the area where you live...that way you can spend time with her....if she isn't interested in moving closer....visit as much as you can....I know it's tough..and very costly (alot of miles between you)! Phone her regularly....
But, remember...ultimately.....it's her choice.....She loves you...and she knows that you love her too....what she wants more than anything if for you to be happy! Not to feel guilty!
Live happy, Live well.....God Bless!
2006-12-06 03:44:25 · answer #5 · answered by Shelly B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Find a good nursing home close to you and move your MOM there, so you can go see her. That is so important to people in nursing homes. So many are put in nursing homes, and never see anyone. I have a brother with ALS. They put him in a nursing home, and believe me when you see something wrong, you go to the manager and get it straightened out. You don't know what kind of care she is getting if you don't see for your self. It would be so wrong to leave her out there with no family.
2006-12-06 03:39:36 · answer #6 · answered by CHEROKEE 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
it would be a good idea to try and move her to a nursing home closer to you. it's important that these final stages in her life are spent happily. just remember that whichever home she ends up in, she's going to be well looked after. stressing isn't going to do you any good. just put your energy into figuring out what's best for her, and then work to achieve it. if she's settled where she is and wants to stay there, then hard as it may be, you should support that and just visit when you can and ring her / write her letters often.
2006-12-06 04:12:32 · answer #7 · answered by pattie-cake 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Anything you do is going to be a great expense. However, I would consider bringing her closer to where I was so I could at least see her more often. Good luck to you and God bless****
2006-12-06 03:31:36 · answer #8 · answered by ? 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That stinks and sorry about your mom. I dont know your relationship with your mom but if she is that bad, I would go stay with her and do the best I could to take care of her, and its not easy, beleive me. I helped my mom with my grandmother and it was mentally and physically draining...Just enjoy and take advantage of the time you have with her now!
GOOD LUCK......
2006-12-06 03:38:35 · answer #9 · answered by SAMiAM 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
move her to a home in Arkansas
2006-12-06 03:31:36 · answer #10 · answered by Penguin Gal 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋