Should I tell a new guy this stuff?

Question

I was sexually abused as a child. It didn't last very long or happen often and I was very very young, but it did happen and I remembered it all throughout my childhood and even now. I've told some of my past boyfriends this, and I've always wondered if somehow, maybe unconsciously, they might start to treat me badly or lose respect for me because I've been abused before. I know they shouldn't but people are people and can be weak and not realize they are doing it. I've had counseling. I can be a very confident person. I'm just wondering if I should tell the next person I date this stuff, or keep it in as if everyone in my life has treated me well. Then he might always treat me well, too.

Answer 1

Don't tell him at first. Would you tell a girl-friend this kind of stuff right away? Probably not. Just wait it out. Time will pass, and you will know more clearly whether or not you should tell him.

Answer 2

It's up to you whether or not you tell people about your history, although usually this sort of thing takes a lot of trust.

Your past boyfriends had no right to treat you badly; you have a right to be treated with love and respect and should not tolorate any relationship that gives you anything less.

It's been noted, however, that one develops certian coping patterns when one is engaged in any sort of abusive relationship or environment, particularly when one is young. These coping patterns help people survive in the abusive situation, but can often be destructive when applied in a normal environment. Thus, people with these patterns sometimes unconciously seek out situations in which those coping patterns work -- i.e. other abusive situations. This is one way that women who are battered in one relationship keep ending up in other abusive relationships.

Please don't misunderstand me and think that I'm saying 'blame the victim'; that's not it at all. This is more about recognizing patterns and changing them.

I don't think that past boyfriends lost respect for you due to your past. I think it's likely they were jerks if that's how they responded. A good guy will be supportive and loving.

Answer 3

If a guy loves you and is the right guy for you he is going to treat you well even if you tell him. I would tell the next person you are in a serious relationship with. If you are in a serious relationship and want to marry a person this is something that you shouldn't hide and may affect your emotions in a way he would need to know about. I don't think every guy you date in the world needs to know. Random guys that you may date do not need to know this personal information. They will come and go and you will see they can act jerks without even knowing. It's possible that those guys you told before were going to be the way they were no matter what. The main thing though is if you feel in your heart you want a significant other to know then you should tell them. Just use good judgement.

Answer 4

Well, I think you should tell them but I wouldn't do it right away. Wait until you feel comfortable around them. I doubt any guy would respect you less but if I was in the situation I would wonder if she was a stable person or if this terrible experience would make her unable to trust me. So, it's probably not a first date conversation but eventually you would need to tell him. I know that I would want to know. That being said, I once dated a girl who came from an abusive home. Not sexually but her dad beat her mom quite often. He even threw dishes at her once. I did dump her for this reason because I was in high school and felt I was too young to deal with things like that. So, if you tell him, you he may break up with you because of it even though it obviously wasn't your fault at all. Good luck.

Answer 5

It is not as much about whether or not to tell the next person in your life. It is really a question of trust and intimacy with this person. There will be a point in a relationship when you'll begin to trust that person. That's when you know you can open up with him without the fear of being considered weak.

There will sure be a point in a relationship when you guys have more personal conversations about your childhood, about your previous relationships, about your parents, family, and friends. It wouldn't or I should say, it shouldn't hurt for you to share your past in a nonchalant way.

Tell him that, your past experiences have been some of the reasons why it took you a little longer to trust him and open up with him. He ought to appreciate that. The trust you place in him at that point is far more valuable in that relationship. If he understands that, he'll only love you more for who you are :-)

And congrats to you for being a confident person and open to relationships and trust even after you've gone through a lot in life.

Answer 6

I think that you should just keep it to yourself at first and get to know each other. When you feel like you are comfortable together just tell him what happened and tell him in a way like you trust him and dont ever tell anyone about it. Make it seem as if you are telling him something that you havent told a boyfriend before if thats possible. You should not be ashamed of anything, there is nothing wrong with you at all. A truly caring guy will not care about anything like that and if he does then he is not meant for you. I would not care if my girl told me about this, I care for her greatly and there is nothing in her past that can hurt me. A real man will treat you well no matter what. Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 7

It is really up to you if you want to tell the person this stuff. You should be able to trust the person that you are telling this stuff to. As long as you feel safe and you know that you can trust them and you don't think it will change the way they think about you. But if it does....then maybe they are not the one for you because they should love you no matter what your past contains. Because that was your past and the only thing you to need to worry about is your future. And hopefully they would understand that you could not control what happend. I just hope this works out for you. I will pray for you.

Answer 8

It seems to me this is something that you really don't need to be telling everyone. It's something to keep until you find the guy you want to be with forever. Until then, remember that you are pretty special and deserve to be treated with respect...as we all do. If you behave as though you expect respect and decency, that's what you'll get. If you behave as though you expect to be treated badly, that's also what you will get, because that will be the message you are giving out...treat me badly...everyone else does and they aall get away with it. The minute someone treats you badly now, dispose of them. You don't need them. You deserve better! Remember, love and like YOU and then others will do the same.

Answer 9

Heck no keep that to yourself!
When young I did not even tell the guys I went out with I had health problems (epilepsy, arthritis), none of there business!
Also who wants the guy to feel sorry for you?
This is something you need to save for a real relationship, not for someone you are just dating.

I do not know about treating you bad for this, but they will wonder why you are with them. Putting extra pressure on them to stay with you.
Good luck!

Answer 10

I think you should continue counseling. You sound too vulnerable to be dating someone seriously. No one should treat anyone with disrespect, ever. If someone is treating you that way for ANY reason, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Your personal life is no one's business unless you've known them for quite some time and have gained their trust, or are getting paid big money for writing about it.

Answer 11

Personally, I think openness is the greatest strength in a relationship. But what you have to decide is if you're ready for that at this point in you relationship with this new person. Of course, it may benefit you to disclose this early and see if he runs or sticks around. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and can at least recognize if he starts turning on you, so maybe try it and see what happens. Good luck!