My husbands great-grandmother is dying in the hospital, the docs say it is any time now. My daughter is nearly 5 yrs. old, and i wonder should i take her? my mother in-law expects us to i think, but i'm not sure what to do. We all love gramma lots and we will all miss her, but can my little girl handle a funeral, or showing? Help!!!
2006-12-06 02:36:36 · 25 answers · asked by frostytink 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
I remember when my grandfather died I was 5 years old and my cousin was 8. We weren't allowed to go to the funeral and I never thought that was right. I wanted to go. I understood death and I wanted to say my good-bye's. I wasn't allowed to see him in the hospital either. At my grandmother's funeral when I was 20, there was a second cousin that brought his 2 little girls that had never met my grandmother. They had no idea what was going on and they were bawling. It depends on how close your daughter was to your husband's great-grandmother and how much you think your daughter is ready to handle and can handle.
2006-12-06 03:15:45 · answer #1 · answered by Ndpndnt 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If the girl knew and had an attachment to her, there is really no good reason why she cannot take part in a funeral if she wants to. She will need a lot of explaining as to what a funeral is, what happens, and what it is for. Funerals are for acknowledging that loved ones have passed away, and it is a way to celebrate their life; young children can understand that.
She'll also need to be prepared for the viewing, and that she is welcome to go in and see her to say goodbye. Let her know that it's OK to remember gramma and cry because she will miss her. Now would also be a good time to pass on your personal beliefs about life and death, if you have any. You can tell her that gramma is going to be going to a better place where she won't be sick anymore, etc.
First and foremost would be to obviously ask her if she'd like to come after you explain what will happen. If in the case that she doesn't want to go, or she did not even have a memorable connection to her, she shouldn't attend. If she doesn't want to go, then you can let her know that she is welcome to remember gramma in her own, private way, by writing a letter or by writing down some memories so she can read them later. Let her know that crying is OK to do now or in the future when she thinks about her.
We all want to protect our children, but funerals help people say goodbye, and she will be fine with some help from you.
2006-12-06 02:59:52 · answer #2 · answered by antheia 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You husband's great grandma or grandma? What is the relationship to the child....
This is one I can't answer, I don't know your daughter...age is not the only factor and I don't know how close she was/is to your grandma.
My son is VERY close to my grandma. We just had her out last night and we go to church together. He is four and very bright so we couldn't get things past him. We had a scare a few months ago and I'm still not sure what we will do.
Our dog died two years ago (he was two) he was upset. He still talks about his dog that is in heaven because of her seizures and he really cried when I told him (actually two and a half). He now has a lot of anxiety about death and who will die. He asks all the time....my son is also a child who doesn't let go of things and you can't give pat answers to...he wants the facts and will NOTlet it go. He has asked if he will die, or when I will die...He cried before he turned four because he wanted to stay three so he wouldn't get old and die......
I'm not trying to shield him from sadness, but anxiety that he is not mature enough to work through is another matter. My grandma knows my son loves her...he hugs her every Sunday, she was just over for dinner, and last night we took her to see some lights!
My niece is younger than him and pretty happy go lucky. I don't think she'd be as upset by this long term...so I'd let the three year old go, before the four year old in this case.
Only you can know what your baby girl can handle....you are her mom.....my only sure advice is this...you make this call based on what you feel is best for your daughter, not what your mother-in-law wants. You are her mom, God gave her to you and equipped you for her, not your MIL. If it is her mom, she is going to be too upset to think in terms of your daughter.
Also, can your daughter handle all the crying and such? Will she notice it?
One idea....hire a sitter for the nursery at church, or for another room in the funeral home. That way, children can be there, but not be in the service...they can be present at the wake to show respect, when the emotions have calmed down.
Regardless of what I do with the funeral, my son will not see my grandma...too many questions for a little mind to handle in my opinion.
2006-12-06 02:59:41 · answer #3 · answered by jm1970 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My sister was not able to bring her children (ages 5 & 6) to our great-gram's funeral a year ago because of the distance, and the kids still won't believe that Gammie died because they didn't go to the funeral. Someone emailed them an old picture of her recently, and now they are sure that she is still alive since they got the picture. However, they did attend our Grandmother's funeral 2 years ago and they handled that fine. They still talk about her being with Jesus in heaven. I really think it helped them adjust by going to the funeral.
Talk to your daughter about it and about what is happening. She will probably be able to handle going to the funeral and showing. Many children who aren't allowed to attend often have emotional issues about it later on. Some of them feel cheated because everyone told them they were too young to go. If the great-grandmother is a big part of your daughter's life, I think it would be best for her to attend.
2006-12-06 03:05:06 · answer #4 · answered by Faith 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It really depends on your child, and her relationship with her great grandmother. Kids maturity levels vary drastically at this age. She might be able to handle it, or she might completely freak out and cause a disturbance.
It's true, kids do need to learn about death and dying at some point, but bringing her to a funeral might not be the best way to go about it. Only you can determine what your child is ready for. If you don't think she is quite ready for this, you can always help her say goodbye in a different way, like letting her make a card and pick out flowers to bring to the grave.
2006-12-06 04:37:30 · answer #5 · answered by Krista D 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My grandfather just passed away. My husband and I took all three of our children. I have a 7yr old , 2 yr old, and 6 mos old. My oldest was well aware I told her ahead of time what was going to happen and that grandpa was with the angels. I told her he would look like he was asleep and that some people may cry including myself which I did. My husband took care of the younger children and my 2 yr old just looked at me and was really well behaved because I dont think he understood why I was upset. My oldest did very well it didnt upset her and I think it actually may have helped her understand death in a way. She attended the wake and funeral.It depends on how mature your daughter is and if she understands the situation. I dont think taking her is a bad call but not taking her is also ok. What she doesnt know wont hurt. Good luck and god bless great grandma!
2006-12-06 03:27:26 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Of course this is dependent upon your child. However, it is better that she go to the funeral of an old person now, just to be able to see what goes on. Have answers prepared for questions she will ask, according to your beliefs or religion. Remember you can always say "I don't know". There are books at the library which can help you. Some funeral homes have children's materials - we have one here with a coloring book.
I would be more concerned with her not seeing the woman as she is really ill in hospital. She should remember her as she was previously. Have a good, happy picture of her out in your home.
2006-12-06 02:47:40 · answer #7 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The first funeral I went to was when I was five and my sister was six. Both my great grandparents died in the same week and we had the funeral together. Dying is a part of life. I think that an older persons funeral is a good one for a kid to go to for the first time. I have been to a few funerals in my lifetime. So when someone my age (26) died I think it was easier for me then for my husband who had never been to a funeral of a loved one. I think that your little girl will be fine. I think this will be a good way to help her accept that great grandma is gone. Good luck to you. I am sure this is a hard decision.
2006-12-06 02:41:48 · answer #8 · answered by Jamie A 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sure. When my great aunt died her great grandchildren were 8 and 5. Her funeral was closed casket (we don't do open), but it gave the kids a chance to say goodbye. I know their mother explained what was happening before the funeral so they weren't upset, but they knew that my great aunt was in there and had presents for her to take with her.
I think she should be kept away from the casket if it's open, to avoid upsetting her. Stay nearer to a door in case she gets fussy/loud/silly or anything 5 year olds do. Take coloring books to the showing so she's occupied and you'll probably be there for a while.
2006-12-06 02:52:17 · answer #9 · answered by erin7 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would think your daughter would be fine at a funeral as long as you made sure she was quiet and well behaved.
I would not let her see the body if you think it might upset her.
It is sad to say but sometimes funerals are the only time when the extended family gets together- I'd say the other guests would enjoy getting to see how much your daughter has grown.
I am wishing the best for you and yours during this difficult time.
2006-12-06 02:54:12 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋