Is a stepson enough?

Question

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married. He has a 9 yr old son. He wants to have more children. I can't have kids and I have been wanting to adopt. But he says, no, he doesn't want to take care of someone else's kid that isn't his.I've brought up the fact that I take care of HIS child and he isn't mine (I treat him as if he were my own) But I want a child of my own even if he is adopted. My soon to be stepson will always think of his mom as his world. This may seem a little selfish but I'm tired of competing with his mom. I want to be the one and only mom in a child's life. I don't want to leave my soon to be husband. I don't know what to do, can you help me? Can I be satisfied with always being second best?

Answer 1

I have been in your shoes. I had a stepson for four years, until he was 5. It is an incredibly hard roll to play, but it can be very rewarding if you let it. No matter what you do or how much you love the child, he is never yours and your role will always be from the back seat. It is something you will have to come to terms with and learn how to handle with time and patience. I know in my situation, I became a refuge for my stepson because I wasn't the "real" mommy.
I don't think that the urge to have your own child ever goes away, whether it be from conception or adoption. I know it hasn't for me and I am unable to have children as well. If this is something you are passionate about and feel that your life will be incomplete without having a child of your own, do not back down. What you want is just as important as his wish to not adopt and this has to be thoroughly discussed before you walk down the aisle. You don't want to settle and think you may change his mind, that could backfire on you later down the road. If he is aware that you can't have children and he wants more, but is not willing to adopt... think long and hard about what that wishy-washy attitude may be saying.
There are other ways. You can look into seregecy, in which his sperm can be used. That is a possibility, but you must decide if that is something you would be interested in or would be comfortable with. Maybe if you tried fostering some children, small children, he may come around on the idea. I mean, what if you had a child too?... is he telling you he would be able to do what you are doing? I would say it has to be hard for a man to invision loving a child that is not his. Some have trouble loving their own, as it is. The most important thing to do is to be true to yourself and what you want out of life and if it leads you down a different road, then that was exactly what was supposed to happen. Nothing can go wrong, if you are true to yourself. Good luck, I wish you the best!

Answer 2

Charlotte, being a step parent is a hard job.. and not everyone can do it. It is so hard to care for a child that is already molded by someone else. You think that they should have been taught one way.. when in fact they are taught the other. You are in quite the spot! Here is what i think....... Examine your life... ask yourself, how important is a child to me? If it is VERY important, then you must ask yourself, if he will be willing to support your ideas of an adopted child. If he isnt, then refer back to how important a child is or isnt. If your soon to be stepson will not take the place of a child that you want, then you need to find a way to get what you need. I am not sure how old you are, but if this is something that you really NEED.... then later on in life you are going to resent him .. especially when your bio clock starts ticking louder! I know how it feels to be a step parent. I think of her as my daughter.. she is mine in every sense of the word.... but I also would like to have a child of my own. My husband is willing to do this for me, but I am not getting preg. Meds, drs, clinics.. they all play a part. I understand when you say that you are willing to adopt. In closing here is what I have to say.... If you want a child.. then you need to find someone that will help you achieve that goal... You need to ask yourself if your step son will be enough... I cannot give you an answer on what you should do.. you need to look inside of yourself for that answer.. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I surely do not want to encourage you to leave your fiance - but Children are a topic that should be discussed and decided on before marriage. I can completely understand your desire to want to be a Mom - the only Mom, but it really sounds to me like if you marry this man, under these circumstances, you may wind up in divorce court, and he could remarry and then you would be sharing your adopted child with his new wife, so you still wouldn't be the only Mom. I don't think your selfish, and I don't think you will settle for feeling second best. I have 2 biological children, and a stepdaughter. We are so close, and have been. I didn't get her til she was 16, now 28 with children of her own. We have built a strong relationship, and for the two of us, I am her Mom, I couldn't love her more, nor her Me. You don't have to have your blood running thru someones veins to love them that deeply. Your fiance is the selfish one for saying he doesn't want to take care of someone elses kid. ALL children need homes and parents to love them and teach them. It sounds like you will make a great "step" Mom or Mom - what ever it is that you decide. Make sure you know what you are getting into with him. Ya know, I don't think you have to be married to adopt - just a thought. Good luck




JUST A FOOTNOTE: SOMEONE SURE HAD A GOOD TIME GIVING US ALL THUMBS DOWN *** TO WHOMEVER YOU ARE - WHEN YOU GIVE A THUMBS DOWN TO EVERYONE - AND YOUR THE ONLY ONE THAT DOES NOT HAVE A THUMBS DOWN, WE AREN'T STUPID!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Being a step parent is the hardest job in the world my stepson is 11 and I really want my own child but my partner can't have any more is he enough ?

Answer 5

First, you shouldn't be competing with his Mom. She's his mother, not you, no matter what.

Secondly, if you want children and your fiance does not I think you should really sit down and talk about it before your wedding. It's a big descion, that neither of you can make on your own. If you do decide to adopt, that child will be HIS. You might want to point that out to him. He won't be taking care of someone else's child. He would be that babies Daddy and you would be Mommy. Good luck and don't fret, step-sons can be cool too.

Answer 6

Sounds like you should adopt then. His remark about not wanting to take care of someone elses kid was very selfish. You're doing it...theres no reason why you can't have a child of your own...with so many that need love...I wouldn't bring one in the home with his attitude though. if anything get a puppy.

Answer 7

i've got self assurance for you, you sound like an somewhat sturdy person. i might could say that if he replaced into raised in a bad environment this easily could have contributed to his modern-day state. then on the different hand a competent determine can strengthen 2 teenagers the comparable and one become an perfect angel and the different a drug addict, all teenagers are distinctive. probable the terrific element of do on the time replaced into to guard this newborn, yet we've all performed issues that we be apologetic approximately, I relatively have performed extra desirable than i choose to think of approximately! a guideline could be to think of approximately assembly with this boy and seeing in case you may help him in any way, and in all probability letting him understand the form you sense and the form you such as you might have acted, basically an concept, sturdy success.

Answer 8

You know I have a stepmother she is very young and I used to get along with her but she is fake and rude to me because i am gay treat your stepson with love and then when you feel its right have a baby of your own with the man you love

Answer 9

If u don't try now you will always regret it. it is your biological right to be a mother anyway you can. don't let your husbands assinine views stop you, let him know how important this is to you and let him know you r serious, maybe send away for some info on adoption or explore some other ways for u to get pregnant in this day and age there are lots of ways. don't give up hope!

Answer 10

I can relate to your b/f's point of view BUT there IS a way to get him to consider adoption. here is an adoption plan he will go for, guys love this idea: adopt a chinese / japanese baby boy and name him Jose' or Gomez or Julio. If you want a girl get a chinese / japanese baby girl and name her Shaniqua!
Guys love the idea but women cringe....its a tradeoff.
I wonder how many thumbs up / down this comment will get?