my 3 year old son is so boistrous he hits/punches/pulls my hair and spits at me what can i do?

Question

he started playschool in september and ever since hes been there he seems to hate me thats when he started hitting and punching me any suggestions

Answer 1

oh great, a child learning from its parent how to hit,punch etc. I don't think so Jane C!

YOU need some support on this. However, if you have a staircase separate to the main room you are in give him 'time out'...

If you call it the naughty step it's easy to slip into the habit of saying go on the naughty step because YOU are naughty". You don't want to label him as being naughty - it's his action that are naughty.

Therefore call it taking 'time out'.
He's 3 - it's doubtful he'll do himself harm. When he has done something wrong (for instance punching you), say "that wasn't nice, please don't do that".
If he does it again later say "If you do that again, I will have to take you to the stairs so you can have 'Time Out'".

Then when he does it again, SAY NOTHING! avoid getting angry. Just lift him up (no eye contact) and take him to the stairs. Place him carefully on the bottom step. Close the door behind you and don't let him open it (so either lock it, or block it). Do not say anything to him. Keep him there for 1 minute of every year he has been on this planet (ie - 3 minutes).

When time is up (usually he'll have been crying his head off!) bring him back in.

Whilst he is outside the door take time (3 minutes!) to think about how you can distract him - say by having a quiet story, playing, painting etc. Make sure when he is doing the slightest good thing that you thank him, appreciate him. Be OTT about that - he'll start beaming eventually.

You need to be calm and adult about this. If you persevere with this he will learn that good behaviour is rewarded with good things and bad behaviour is rewarded by the 'time out' approach.

If you were to call this period of time the 'naughty step', what happens when he does this in a supermarket/shopping mall - where's the step then?

My son used to 'swim' on the Mall floor. One day I couldn't take anymore and so followed some advice. I ignored my own embarrassment (and the disapproving looks of passers by) and gently placing my hand on his back said to him "that's ok honey, you stay there and keep doing that - or you could come round the mall nicely with me and then when we have picked up the bread (or whatever...) we can go to the icecream factory and get you an icecream/go to the park etc etc."

It worked - first time was embarrassing though - so what?!

Best of luck - this takes time and patience and is always better than a smack. You do need support however - even if that is someone coming in to clean your dishes whilst you take this approach (to make sure you are always there initially to be able to stop his bad behaviour quickly - nip it in the bud as they say).

Hope that helps - best of luck.

Answer 2

First thing to do is stop feeling guilty!!

Your son doesn't hate you and even if does appear to from time to time so what?? You are his parent not his best friend-the friend bit comes post teenager-up until then you're Parent first and foremost.

Don't expect him to become lovely over night. He has obviously got away with this type of behaviour on some scale for a while(no disrespect) or it wouldn't be escalated to the degree you're talking about.

Set rules and standards and stick to them. Do not deviate even when you think 'ahh he's not THAT bad' and don't threaten punishments you won't realistically follow through.

Restrain him, tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and then put him in time out-in his room or on a stair usually works(but never the 1st time, and only if you don't back down). Make him stay there for 3 mins and then go back for an apology. No apology? Same again? Another 3 mins. Repeat until he gets the message.

Try changing diet-especially if he eats processed foods and check what he's having at nursery, although my guess would be that he's seen this behaviour work for someone there and has brought it home, and then increased it by degrees when he hasn't been reined in. Means you'll have to be extra strict for a while but you can also be extra nice when he's good to compensate.

Its bl**dy hard work being a parent and it can feel like a thankless task-especially when they're playing up-but don't lose heart because we've all been there to a lesser or greater degree-and to those who haven't.....you will be!

Answer 3

I agree with making special time with your son so he doesn't feel threatened by the new baby taking away your attention. When my son was born, my daughter was 1 and most friends and family members would bring her a little something when they came to see the baby with a gift. Everyone congratulated her on being a big sister and made a big fuss over how important her new position in the family was. She was very excited about being a big sister. I also got her very involved in helping with the new baby. Perhaps your son could help with some of the preparations. Let him know how invaluable his help is. He can help pick out crib bedding or a special toy he can give when his new sibbling arrives. As far as the spooky men are concerned, I would definitely get him a night light. Maybe have him lock up with you before he goes to bed. Check all the doors, lock his windows, etc. Don't be so quick to dismiss his fears out of hand, though. When I was little, we lived on a corner lot. The street light on the corner would cast very strange shaddows in my room at night. It was very spooky. Then there were sounds I didn't understand. Cats or raccoons squabbling or yeowling. At one time we had squirrels in the attic and for weeks I thought something was trying to claw it's way through my ceiling! My parents thought I was imagining things until they finally heard it for themselves. Rather than banishing him to his room when he's frightened, maybe you could keep a toddler size mattress under your bed. Then if he needs to be near you, he can pull that out and sleep on the floor next to you. I have 3 kids of my own now, but I still remember quite clearly how awful it was to lay in bed, alone and scared of all the sights and sounds I didn't understand. I'm afraid of the dark to this day and have night lights all over the house! It sounds silly, but I can't help but wonder if it would be different had my parents had been a little more understanding when I was small. Good luck!

Answer 4

He doesn't hate you, he is too young. This is more likely something he has seen other children do. Ask at playschool (assuming you are not there with him) what his behaviour is like when he is there, and what they would suggest. He will understand that it is unacceptable, try not to cry or get angry, stay calm and tell him it is unacceptable. Have a clear line (you know the choices; time out/removal of privelleges etc.) and be consistent. Try and do your chores while he is at playschool so you can give him attention when you are together and tell him you love him and be loving, he will to be like that too eventually. Easy to forget, but try to praise him when he is good. If he has lots of energy use it for excercise. He's old enough for a star chart, one star for every day he is good (never remove them). After an agreed number of days (say 20 out of a month) he gets an agreed reward.

Answer 5

Each time he hits you give him a warning tell him not to hit and if he continues to do it put him into his room for 3 minutes, or somewhere in your house that is safe. Leave him there for the full 3 minutes and make sure he apologises before you let him out. He will soon get fed up of not getting mummy's attention.

If that doesn't work i would start taking his favourite toy/thing away from him each time he hits/bites or spits. Tell him that he is not getting his toy back until he stops it.

Good luck

Answer 6

I had the same problem with my daughter, discovered it was my fault. I was smacking as punishment, and she though it was alright to hit. I explained about how the other child felt with her hitting him. I also addressed the fact that she had a temper and taught her to count to 5 and walk away. Maybe he is hanging around with a bully at school, try talking to his teachers. Do not as one person said do it back to him, because it will only reinforce the behaviour. Good luck, you just need to give a very clear message that it is very wrong and there will be consequences. Try the naughty step or room and removing for a day what ever he holds dear. A lot of kids go through this, so try not to worry. He will probably grow out of it.

Answer 7

hi this is really difficult and Im sorry - you will feel its all your fault it isnt. The last thing you need to do it feel guilty - you need to deal with this now! I did child psychology - he is a normal little boy trying out his bounderies with you. He has seen the way other children behave and is basically seeing if he can get away with it with you. When he throws a paddy and punches etc hold his hands sit him down (hold him if needs be) and do not shout, explain that his behaviour is not going to be tolerated. tell him he will have to now have time out untill he has thought about his behaviour, put him on his own in a safe place, without toys etc. this could be the bottom step in the hall, his room anywhere . He needs to know how long he must stay there and that if he does as he is told he can come back to you. if he disobays put him back and keep doing this until he realises you will not back down - thats what you and your partner must do not back down. If he throws a paddy whilst you are out, physically hold him so he cant punch you and if possible take him away from any attention he might get. then use the same techniques when you return home. give him warnings of what you are going to do always. if he responds and stops his tantrum then reward him with praise . Be consistant - he will really try it on when you first start this but as he realises that you are in charge and will not back down his behaviour should settle. Good luck we have all had some of this at one time or another, you can do this both for yourself and him always tell him you love him, but you dont like his bad behaviour X

Answer 8

It's tough to be a parent for kids this age... ours went through the same thing and still goes back to this behavior sometimes.
What I found worked for us, and it is different for everyone, but to stop what is going on, and sit down with him and talk to him about what it happening. I noticed sometimes that he does this when he is feeling left out of the conversation or feels that we are ignoring him.
Starting preschool sounds like the trigger point for a lot of this behavior. Talk to the teacher and see if there are any suggestions from her. Going to preschool is a big event and is hard for the little ones to adjust to sometimes. We have to talk to our son's teacher quite often to see how he is doing and get some ideas from her on how to curb his outbursts. It HAS gotten better.
I know it is hard to keep a cool head, but you can do it!

Answer 9

i dont know if youve seen the programme supernanny? why not try some of her techniques like the naughty step etc. they always seem to work. Maybe something is happening at playschool that is making him behave like this. it maybe an idea to talk to the teacher there if you havent already. It could just be that hes taking time to settle in there. It may feel to him that you are abandoning him (of course your not but who knows what goes on in their little heads!) if you used to be with him all day. I hope you find a solution.

Answer 10

you need a naughty step, you need to teach him it's wrong to hit and spit at anyone let alone you, watch the nanny on tv for some tips they really work, stop it now before it go';s to far..