I had a friend and we recently became more than just friends and started sleeping together. Well I was HEAD OVER HEELS for him!!! I thought I had found The One!!! Then I asked him if it was just about sex and he got weird and started making excuses and finally he said that even though there is an incredible physical attraction between us he doesn't think we are compatible enough in other ways! How do I deal with this??? I feel so violated! I feel like he lied to me and misled me just to get into bed! He really seemed like he liked me! He was sending all the signals he loved me. I am devasted!!!! What is his problem? How do I deal with this? I am so angry yet I still "love" him. Help!!!!!!
2006-12-05 14:40:44 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Okay, calm down. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but things truly will be okay.
Look, the thing is about men is that never ever do anything they don't want to. Its weird to say that but its true. Men do not act emotionally, they are thinkers whether we as women like to think they are or not. But they are. Men think about things before they act... women do not. We think with our emotions.
This guy knew exactly what he wanted when he started to hook up with you. Your mistake was... you didn't ask from the get go what was the deal. But you know what, that's okay. You won't make that mistake next time. We learn from our past relationships. Remember this, he knew you guys weren't compatible prior to having s*x with you. Believe me he knew this because men are pure thinkers. They do not think with emotions. You totally got caught up in this great physical attraction and lost sight of what else was going on. But you know what, that is so easy to do. Nowadays you just got to be careful. I'm not saying you have to protect yourself emotionally from every man you meet and pretend you are made of stone... but you really should ask questions early on.
Some guys don't like this... they get upset and they feel pressure. Trust me, if you would of asked him early on "what are we doing... why are we having s*x?... "friends don't have s*x with each other" you would of gotten a straight answer from him.
I'm so sorry that he doesn't feel like you guys are compatible. But trust me, do not over-analyze what he said. Because what he said is exactly what he means. Guys just say what they mean. They can't help it. Do not feel violated. Try to see what you got out of the relationship. Try to find out what you learned from being with him. By doing this over time you will develop personal growth. You will learn the signs and signals of when you need to start asking questions... you will understand things better and learn from you mistakes.
Don't feel like he lied to you. He didn't lie to you. I just don't think you asked the right questions early on when you guys started having s*x. But that's okay and honestly, although he would never admit this, he essentially was using you for s*x because early on he knew that he didn't want a relationship with you. I know, I know, it isn't fair and right now you are so hurt and torn apart, but trust me... its easier to get over sh*t when you look at it like this... "what did I get out of the whole thing" "what did I get out of him?" what did I learn about myself? What did I learn about life? Don't look at things like I didn't get anything out of that relationship because I didn't get him. Find something that you learned it will help you move on.
Deal with your situation like this.... don't be angry try to put that aside and look at it as an experience you have truly learned from. You ask what is his problem? The only problem that he has is that he knows exactly what he wants and it wasn't you. He has been able to define exactly what he wants... and can separate the s*x and the emotions that may or may not come along with it. Women have difficulty doing that. Men... they don't get attached as women do. You have to be strong... say "oh his lost... just another notch in my belt." I mean... its okay to still love him... you can't help who you fall in love with. But take this as a learning experience and move on. Trust me, he'll be back. But don't wait on him. They always come back. Girlfriend, I know this oh so well!! By that time you would have moved on and have been healed emotionally and be physically stronger and a better person to just kick his butt right back to the curb. You are better than him!
I hope this helps! Cheer up! Its not the end of the world.
2006-12-05 15:05:29 · answer #1 · answered by Ocean 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honestly, I find this pathetic. Number one, NO MATTER how much "love" and tenderness a person may offer, it doesn't mean that it would lead to commitment.
See, that's a problem most people are facing today thanks to ignorance. They keep their head in romance movies and novels, not thinking about the real world.
I guess now there's no use explaining everything, just think about what you put yourself into; and don't use peer pressure as an excuse. Unless any relationship leads to marriage, which mostly says there's commitment and true love between the two people [Since when you're single or just boyfriend/girlfriend, you can ALWAYS break up easily and find another pair of pants to get into, unlike marriage whereas it's easier to monitor your partner], you should not get into bed. No. Nada. Never. Ever. Do that.
Soooo. I guess this is your problem. I'd LOVE to help, but you should have thought about these things before you did anything.
Just drop him, I guess. He's prol'ly just another player.
2006-12-05 22:50:14 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm soooooooooooo sorry to hear such a horrible thing happened to you!
First of all, some, and I mean only some, men just treat women a specific way so that they can 'jump their bones." They put all the stops.
Unfortunately, you cannot do much about it, except move on.
One way in trying to deal, you could write him a letter. You can send it or you can just write it an burn it.....
One thing I strongly suggest for the future, is not sleeping with someone because you 'think' they are the one....get to know them more. Since sex isn't just sex. You give a piece of your soul to the other person when you give your body to them....
Good luck.
2006-12-05 22:53:15 · answer #3 · answered by Lala Girl 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You can't make anyone love you. It can't be done. You can choose to love other people or not. If you choose to love this man, then if it is real love, you can't expect that he love you back. Otherwise it is lust, attachment and a whole host of other emotions, but not love.
Maybe he saw something in his relationship with you that just didn't work for him. Instead of playing the victim, you could ask him, calmly and rationally, what wasn't working for him. In all likelihood it isn't anything you could change, in which case he wasn't the one for you.
How do you deal with this? You grieve the loss of the relationship, and learn the lessons there so you don't make the same mistakes next time. Pain is one of life's greatest teachers.
Learning to love someone from a place of unconditional love is the greatest gift we can give to anyone. Clearly your love for this man was hugely conditional by your reaction. I suspect that someplace in that energy is the reason he is choosing to move on.
2006-12-05 22:51:40 · answer #4 · answered by taotemu 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Speaking from a male perspective, most men are emotionally detached. Maybe you did too much too soon. Females tend to put more feelings into physical things like that... This is probably those feelings your going through. You have been used. I feel sorry for you. A real man gets what he wants while keepin it real. Live and learn sweety. Good luck.
2006-12-05 22:46:05 · answer #5 · answered by John T 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Wait a minute...don't be mad at him, because you saw what you wanted to see...you already liked him...unless he came out and told you he had feelings for you and wanted you to be his girlfriend, you've got no reason to be mad at him....disappointed, sure...but he didn't do anything wrong (from your post).
People like sex...apparently you do too because you had it with him...sex doesn't mean someone has heartfelt feelings for you...
I know this is a bummer, but let it be a lesson for the future...don't "assume" someone feels a certain way and don't allow yourself to get physically involved until you either know how they feel, or know you won't care either way...
2006-12-05 22:44:52 · answer #6 · answered by . 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
he is not the one.Your 'the one" will never violate you. passion and romance is essential in a relationship,but not violence.. it is obvious that he used you up..to satisfy his lust..
when you thought it was out of love.maybe he has someother girl, i guess "she" is not satisfying him much, hence the reason why he started giving out the signals..to get you into bed, when you both had this physical attaraction!!! so..what you should do, is..
CONFRONT HIM!
let him know, how you felt..make it clear to him,on how he had actually treated you..and stress to him, that he is nothing else but a jerk that you still have feelings for!
2006-12-05 22:45:33 · answer #7 · answered by chandni 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
you shoulda made sure there was something more than physical there if that is what you wanted or expected.
Spend some time with him, ask about his exes, maybe ask his exes about him, see how he handles awkward situations. Tell him your car broke down. See if he rescues you or not. Ask him to cook for you . The food he makes would say a lot.
2006-12-05 22:45:54 · answer #8 · answered by kurticus1024 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
girl, I feel your pain. Back in september this girl said she liked me and I like her back so I said that we should go out. We fooled around a bit and she wanted to have sex but I wasn't ready and she started to ignore me. Havnt talked to her since. It was just about the sex so it might be the same in your case but u never know.
Just wanted to share my experience, u might relate a little
2006-12-05 22:45:43 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
he,s a bit immature. you feel used and i don,t think hes that nice, why do you want him. You feel angry. Keep out of his sight for a while, until you feel better and gotton over him, and you will. All the best life is not fair.
2006-12-05 22:44:35 · answer #10 · answered by denise g 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
NEWSFLASH!!!
If you give it for free, why should they pay for it?
Might want to think about that next time... Perhaps next time, you will value yourself and not throw yourself in bed, and then expect love love love... Men are not like that!
You have to give them a REASON to love you... But if you give up your goodies... What else is left?
Move on. He has already.
2006-12-05 22:43:26 · answer #11 · answered by ♥Saffire♥ 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋