Am I a horrible and irresponsible mother?

Question

My 18 year old daughter is a freshman in college. She met a boy and 6 weeks later tells me that she will be becoming sexually active. She asked if I would go with her to the doctor and discuss options.
I took her to my doctor and we discussed EVERYTHING, opting for the pill. She was given a four month supply.
I went out with her later that night only to discover that her stepfather--my husband had indivudually popped each one of those pills into the toilet and flushed them because she is not responsible enough to have sex. (Her father and I discussed it...but since she is on his health plan he claimed he could do that.)
He also told me that I am a horrible parent for aiding her in aquiring the pills. She is back at school, but he has stated that if she ever comes home he will tell her how irresponsible she is every time he sees her.
She is coming home for Christmas, and it looks like I am going to be forced to spend it in a hotel with her.
Am I nuts???

Answer 1

You're nuts if you tolerate your daughter's step father saying and doing these things when it comes to your kid. He should be the one sleeping in a hotel.

Answer 2

I think what you did was the right thing and that her stepfather is in denial and selfish. She is after all an adult and if she chooses to have sex she will do it... with or without the pills. If he plans on degrading her everytime she comes to visit then maybe you should spend Christmas with her in a hotel and leave him to be alone. She obviously felt comfortable enough to come to you and talk to you about this, some daughters don't have that luxury so if I were you I would feel blessed and by no means would I think you are a horrible parent. Good luck and try to have a Merry Christmas no matter what happens.

Answer 3

let me first say that you are NOT a horrible nor an irresponsible parent.you did the best thing that you can do with your situation. parents do not have full control over what their children decide to do with their lives.you are there to guide them in doing the right things or at least minimize the possibility of being trapped with an unwanted result.
but i understand your husband as well.in some aspect,regardless of the fact that he's not the biological father of your daughter,he's concerned of the possible consequences.

if the three of you can seat together and have a serious talk about that issue, it would be better.let each side give their perspective.have your husband know privately first, that you are not fully agreeing nor supporting your daughter to engage in early sexual activity/ies.however let him understand that as parents, you can only guide, but only to a certain extent, your children into doing or living right, everything else is totally up to the child.
then go and talk with your child.don't let your daughter feel alienated or the "bad person" during the discussion.have her know that even if you have some apprehensions on her current activities that she can still count on you both.and remind her that she made the decision herself, so be prepared of the responsibilities that it goes with.that you trust her to be mature enough to handle the situation.

anyways, i wish you the best of luck! Ü

Answer 4

Well sounds like your hubby is an idiot.... as if flushing the pills will make her sexually inactive. He's in denial that his little girl is growing up.

Take her to a planned parenthood organization and they will get her the pills free of charge and without dad knowing. Would he rather her be protected or come home expecting his first grandchild?

As for spending christmas in a hotel.... don't do it. Just make sure she knows what to expect from him and deal with it. If she's mature enough to have sex, she should be mature enough to take the criticism. Eventually he will back off and mellow out. he doesn't need to know about her sex life anyway. Just make she's using good judgement and birth control is a good start. She needs to think about the boy being the right boy, for her first experience. It's likely he's not.... but then you know that.

Answer 5

Your husband is an @ss. He has no say in what she does or doesn't do with her body. Feel blessed she came to you and asked you to go to the doctor with her and didn't show up pregnant because some idiot flushed her pills down the toilet. People will have sex no matter what, your not nuts in wanting your daughter to be safe and informed. Come christmas time tell the step-father if he can't be nice then HE can go stay in a hotel.

Answer 6

I can understand your husband being upset that she has just become sexually active. 18 is a very good age, that is when I lost my virginity. But to a lot of parents that STILL seems young. Obviously your husband is very worried about this and does not want her to be sexually active. And that is a normal response from a loving father but she is 18. You two should be very proud of her for her very responsible behavior. She waited this long (esp. with all the peer pressure and tramps losing their virginity at ages 12 and 13) and she confided in you for the proper responsible route- birth control pills. My problem though is that I hope this outburst from dad does not scare her away from coming to you for other life issues.

I think you need to have a good talk with your husband.

Then go back to your daughter explaining why dad did what he did, etc.

When your daughter gets older and has her own children and looks back at what her father did, she will understand.

Answer 7

No you are not nuts. You should be thankful that your daughter feels comfortable talking with you about sex. Think of it this way--when she is ready to begin having sex, she is going to do it rather you and your husband approve of it or not-- talking to you about it before she started she showed a lot of maturity, showed her willingness to accept the responsibility of protecting herself from an unplanned pregnancy (although I do feel that she would be better off with using condoms as well as being on the pill to prevent any diseases. After all, just becuase this guy his her first, that does not mean she is his first.) Why is it your husband thinks you are such a horrible parent? I could see his point if she were only 12, but she is a legal adult, and technically would of been able to get the prescription without you. Talk to your daughter, let her know you love and support her and will continue to be there for her.

Answer 8

You are a good mother! I take that back...a GREAT mother!!! If your daughter is set on being sexually active, you aren't going to be able to stop her. The best thing to do is to prepare her. You did the very best thing that a mother could do! You should be proud of yourself. Your husband is in the wrong here! As a parent myself, I know it will be hard for me when this time comes, but it's all about how you handle it. If you FORBID a teenager to do something, they are 10X more likely to go for it. Don't let your husband make you feel like you're in the wrong here. You did the best thing by discussing all of this with your daughter, and taking her to her doctor. Stand by her decision, and try your best to get through this. I hope everything works out for you!!

Answer 9

I think the stepfather is crossing the line big time! What right does he have in trying to control your daughter? That's what it is plain and simple...control. I think you and your daughter must have a good relationship since you were both able to discuss the issue openly. Don't let him make you feel badly because you haven't done anything wrong. I'm a mother too so I can totally relate to what you must be feeling. Raising kids is hard enough without any extra rubbish and I'm sorry that you're in the middle of it all. In all honesty I would really think about how he's treating you and your daughter. Hope you get through it! : )

Answer 10

not at all! I would say you are very responsible and I applaud you for having the kind of relationship with your daughter that enables her to be comfortable in talking about such things openly with you. At 18, and in college, she is in the kind of environment that makes it very difficult to make all the 'right' decisions especially when it comes to sex. she is an adult and doesn't need anyone's permission to have relations with her boyfriend- the smartest thing for her to do would be to be on the pill. Put your foot down with your husband and tell him that it was not his right to flush the pills. Surely there must be some sort of clinic at the college that she could get some more? what about condoms? at least make sure she has them. Hope this helps, and hope you don't have to spend the holidays in a hotel away from home!

Answer 11

Your daughter did the right thing in confiding in you, and you responded intelligently by taking her to the doctor and discussing everything. Your daughter is 18 years old, and whether you agree or disagree with her choice to have premarital sex, she's going to do it anyway if she's already decided. Your husband is completely and disturbingly out of line. Your daughter is 18, she was responsible enough to want to go to a doctor so she doesn't get pregnant. Your husband sounds controlling and cruel, he should go stay in a hotel for Christmas.