continued from should I let my son visit father?

Question

My son is 8 yrs. of age. His father and I were never married. His father is in the Marine Corps. He pays his child support the military takes it out automatically) other than that he has no contact with our son at all! I don't talk bad about the father to our son.My thinking is our son will eventually see for himself what I already know. He has meet a woman and married her within a year of meeting her. I think that he is doing this for "show"!I would let my son go to visit with no problems if- he called him once in awhile (I asked him to call once a week just to let our son know that he was thinking about him regardless if our son wanted to talk with him or not), or write a letter something other than the text messages he sends me once every three months. He said that his family is pressuring him to have our son visit and yet this is the same "family" that has never sent our son so much as a birthday or christmas card. and they have never had any contact with our son.Your Opinion PLS!

Answer 1

Ask yourself these things:
1. Will my son be safe with this man? (If you aren't sure, like if you didn't know him that well, insist on supervised visits first.)

2. Will my son enjoy this visit?

3. Does my son want to go? (This you may have to ask your son.)

4. Will this do my son harm? (My four year old calls my fiance Daddy. When he met his bio father, the grandmother insisted that while she understood he had a daddy, this stranger he'd never met was his father. I intervened and told him he could call the guy by his name. A few weeks later I heard him in his room playing with cars. One car said to another "Hes your daddy, but I'm your FATHER!!")

In the end, it comes down to a judgement call. Like a doctor, you must 'first do no harm'. If you think your child will be unharmed (physically OR emotionally) by this and that he may enjoy it, it may be a good idea to let him go. You don't want him to resent you years down the road because he feels like you kept him from his dad. (Even if he's wrong.)

Answer 2

My husband is kind of in the same situation as you but in a different way. He, too, has an 8 year old boy with a woman that he never married. She went back to an ex and they got married and moved after she took him to court to make sure he paid child support, which he gladly did and still does.The problem is that she never made an attempt to let my husband see his son and made sure that they could not be found(the child support ofc wouldn't even tell him!).One day out of the blue she calls last year and said that the little boy just asked one day if he had a real dad, b/c he wanted to meet him.So we agreed to meet and it was really awkward.The little boy didn't seem to have a clue or really even care about any of it, but who could blame him? We made arrangements to see him that weekend and guess what,they couldn't be found!She has not called again to this day. It truly broke my husband's heart.But the main thing is that she should not do that to that little boy.That is just wrong.So my point is that if your son's father is planning on being a father and staying in his son's life, by all means let him see him.If not, tell him no.Like you said, your son will know someday what you already know.We think the same of my husband's son.I know one day he will come and find my husband and they will be able to have a relationship.Also, you should really ask your son what he thinks, I would not under any circumstances make him do something he did not want to do.If he is scared make his father come to him and if he really wants to be in his life, he will.After all he is supposed to be the adult here.

Answer 3

If your son is 8 years old, and has never really had a relationship with his father, then there is no way I'd just send him out to see his father.

My suggestion would be to offer him limited visitation of some sort. Such as meeting you and your son in the park to play, or all three of you go out to eat together, etc. I would not just let his dad take him. But, it would be kind of nice for your son to at least know who his dad is.

In time, every child will see the true person their parents are, and it is sad that we as mothers have to protect our children and make decisions like this.

Answer 4

8 seems too young to fly alone. How long have you known this man? I would postpone the trip and see if his father really has an interest in trying to have a relationship. Maybe you should seek some legal counseling if there is some law that says that he doesn't have to return your son unless you go to court in Ohio, or wherever he lives. I'm sure an 8 year old would be scared to take that trip alone. You would probably have your answer there. Let your son contact him on the Internet via E-mail with pictures because it is hard sometimes to keep in touch long distances with different time zones. I live in Sweden and my son in San Diego. I write but he doesn't write back because he is a teenager and too busy for his old man. He doesn't want to fly here because he doesn't know what to expect and he is used to his way of life in California. Once he got here he would have a blast, but he can't see that. Encourage your son to talk to him. E-mail with pics. The fact that his father is in the Marines means he can't just disappear with your son unless he goes AWOL. Is he planning to be discharged, is he doing well. Contact his commander to see if he is stable. Good luck on this tough descision... Let us know...LOL

Answer 5

He says his family is the one pressuiring to see your son....not He wants to see his son.....I would not let him see your son unless you wree courtordered to....if the military didnt take the money out, would he pay it voluntarily??? IF he was such a good father he would do what yousuggested and at least call or write on a regular basis....does he even send your son birthday or christmas cards? How does your son feel about all of this? He is old enough to form his own opinions too.....

Answer 6

Eventually , he might come around but, don`t count on it..Most men are sperm donors..and a Real Man and Father are the one who cares enough to see,care,love them regardless married or not to someone else..also, he would choose his son ever his worthless family...So, Hon...your son is getting all the love he needs with you...Good Luck...I would not let him go visit or have any kind of contact with him til the father becomes a real man...

Answer 7

I agree with an earlier answer. Agree to meet with the Father at a neutral place, park, restaurant, etc.Just the 3 of you. Do it for the boy's sake, The boy will decide in his own in time where his Father stands.
It's interesting that he tells you that his [also absent] family is pressuring him, that just tells me that he really doesn't care.
Make sure your son doesn't hear you when you tell his whole family to eat s***.

Answer 8

Drop all contact. Since u dunt seem to get anything from the so called "father", there's no point in keeping contact. I mean, he doesnt even contact his own son! If u stop calling him and such, but he keeps calling, I guess he's got a heart, but if he stops calling or something, good riddance.

Answer 9

You should let your son visit his dad. That way he can see what a jerk he really is, he can decide on his own when he gets older if he will continue talking to him. You never know when somthing bad will happen, it's better see someone late than never at all.

Answer 10

Leave it up to your son, if he wants to see his daddy please let him. Until his father is proven unfit, your son should know his father. There may come a day when your son doesn't want to see him but don't be reason for it now. He's a dead beat dad but luckily your son has you.