Do you know any good jokes?

Question

10 points for the best answer! Don't be afraid to give me more than one!

Answer 1

OK...a little lizard is walking through the jungle. He suddenly hears someone calling to him, he looks up and sees a monkey high up in the tree smoking a joint. The monkey says, come up and join me my little reptilian friend so the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke the joint. After a while the lizard gets thirsty and tells the monkey hes going to get some water to drink. he makes it to the bank of the river and passes out. A large crocodile sees him and swims over and wakes the little lizard up and asks him whats wrong. the Lil lizard tells him about the monkey high in the tree with the joint so the crocodile says, "I've got to see this for myself" so off he goes into the jungle to find the monkey. He sees the monkey still up in the tree all stoned and calls to him...hey monkey...the monkey looks down and says " Holy ****, how much water did you drink"?

Answer 2

four people are riding in an airplane,

the pope,
hillary clinton
a bout scout
and bill gates

well the pilot says the airplanes goin down and everyone must get off so the turn to they emergency exit and there are only 3 parechutes so immedatly bill gates grabs one and says im the richest man in the world i cant die and jumps then hillary clinton grabs one and says im the smartest woman in the world i cant die and jumps so the pope turns to the boy and says take it i have lived my life when the boyscout holds up 2 parechutes... the pope looks astonished and says how? the boy turn to the pope and says well... the smartest woman in the world just jumped out with my backpack

Answer 3

1. Three men walk into a bar.


The fourth one ducks.

2. I don't know if you will like this. But, I thought it was hilarious!!

Three men were taking a trip on a plane. When they get on the pilot tells the passengers not to throw anything out of the windows. The plane lifts off and they're on their way. On the plane the first man finds a pencil and wondering what to do with it. He is told by one of the other men to throw it out the window, so he does. Then the second guy finished his apple and wondering how to get rid of the core. He asks the other two men, they tell him to throw it out the window, so he does. Next the third man finds a grenade! Panicking he throws it out the window.

After the plane had landed the three men were walking down the street when they came across a guy holding his eye. The three men asked him what happened, he said he had looked up in the sky and a pencil fell and hit him in the eye. So the three men continued down the street and they come across a man holding his head, the three ask him what's wrong? The man says that he was walking down the street and an apple core fell on his head! Feeling a little strange the men continue down the street when they come across a man holding his stomach lauging his head off! The three ask him what's so funny? The man replies, I farted and that building exploded!

3.Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked "How's my cat?".

Bobby hesitated and sadly told Lenny his cat died.

"What?! You shouldn't have broke the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me he was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get him down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell down and died," explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked "How's my Granny?".

There was a long silence and then Bobby replied. "Well, she's on the roof."

4.Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

5. A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh ... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

6. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. They find a genie's lamp and agree they'll each get one wish.

The brunette and the redhead both wish they were at home.

The blonde then says, "Gee, I'm kinda lonely ... I wish my friends were here ... "

7. A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

8. A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette went into a farm to steal chickens. The police were nearby and they heard them and came in. The girls quickly jumped into three potato sacks so they wouldn't be seen.

One policeman kicked the sack with the redhead, and she said "meow" pretending to be a cat.

He kicked the second one with the brunette, and she said "ruff", pretending to be a dog.

When he kicked the third sack with the blonde, she said "potatoes".

9. A blonde desperately needed some money, so she decided to kidnap someone. So she went to the park and she grabbed this kid.

Then she wrote a note saying, "If you ever want to see your child again, leave 10,000 dollars in a paper bag in the northwest corner of the park." then she signed it 'THE BLONDE' and told the kid to give it to his mom.

The next day she went to the northwest corner of the park and got the paper bag. It had the money in it and a note from the mother that said, "How could you do this to another blonde?"

Hope you like them.

Happy Holidays.

Answer 4

there was three blondes and they were stranded on a island and a fairy appeared and the fairy said ''ill give each one of you a wish''the first blonde said ''i wish to be intelligent''so the fairy turned the blonde into a brunette and went swimming off.so the next one said ''i wish to be more intelligent then the previous one''so the fairy turned her into a red head and she swam off a boat.so the next one said ''i wish to be more intelligent than the previous two''so the fairy turned her into a man and walked acrss the bridge. and yo mamma is so skinny she can use a cherrio for a hool a hup. yo mamma is so ugly she makes onions cry. what starts with f and ends with uck ''firetruck''.

Answer 5

How about this:-

A flat-chested woman was delighted when her Fairy Godmother said her breasts would increase in size each time a man said, "Pardon," to her.
She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her breasts instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her breasts. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant, collided with a waiter who bowed and said, "hundreds of pardons for my clumsy behavior."
The next day the headline in the local newspaper said, "Chinese Waiter Crushed by Two Torpedoes!"

Answer 6

I've just been arrested for being the most stupid person on Yahoo, can you send the police your question to prove they wee wrong! ha ha ha ha

Answer 7

a man wa swalking down the street and fell lol


y did the chicken crosss the road
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cuz it loooked both ways lol