11 year old son?

Question

my 11 year old son has for some time now been showing violence an abusive language towards myself an wife. he refuses to go to bed when asked, ignores all punishment i.e no ps2 no pc., any help? used to be a lovely boy, well he still is but naughty!

Answer 1

I thought I'd never live through it when my son was this age. It is good your son has a dad who is involved and cares about him. We did a serious "intervention" type meeting. My husband and I "confronted" him with his behavior and started with a drug test. (fortunately, it was negative). We told him that his behavior had been unacceptable, and would not be tolerated in our home. We had brochures on the table for boarding and military schools that we would consider if he didn't get his act together, established some basic house rules (respect for adults is a must), the violence bothers me particularly. We basically told him that by law we were required to feed him, clothe him, provide him a bed and send him to school, and anything beyond that was a privilege he could earn by following our rules. It wasn't an immediate turn around but when we followed through by removing all priveleges, adding back only when he followed the rules he did come around. Now he is 15, doing well in school, still "normal" teenager (if I could get him out of the shower, we'd be okay!) An occassional tune up by restricting the computer gets his attention. Good Luck!

Answer 2

About the 'bad language', as there technically isn't anything wrong with them, what you should probably do is just ignore him. The more you get upset at 'bad words', the more he'll use them. Just respond calmly to whatever he says as if they didn't exist and his sentences were composed only of the leftover words.

Violence and unhealthy disobedience are more serious. To solve them, you want to be looking at several things:
1. Make sure you and your wife respect and love each other. It has been shown that if a couple gets into arguments often, it rubs off on the kids very quickly. You have to appear united to his eyes in order to properly discipline him.
2. Don't let yourself get mad at him. Remain calm no matter what he does, because if he sees you start yelling or being violent yourself, he'll know he's getting the better of you, which is something that must not happen.
3. At all times, keep in mind that psychological punishment is much better than physical punishment. If possible, use methods of punishment that he can't easily understand, that are above his level so to speak. Taking away his toys is something he knows is childish, so again he'll realize you're down at his level. You have to retain your image of superiority so he understands that obedience is the only real way to get what he wants in the end.

Answer 3

He's going through a phase, probably starting puberty very soon and he's confused with himself and the world. The abusive language and the violent behavior have to stop, whether his hormones are running amok or not. I suggest you sit him down and tell him in uncertain words that his behavior will not be tolerated any more. You are the parent, he is the child, therefore get your act together with your wife and take things away from him, he HAS to go to bed, if he doesn't want to sleep or is tired, tell him he can rest in the bed and read. NO TV, NO VIDEO, NO VIDEO GAMES and NO MOVIES. If you have still have problems you need to see a counselor to help you solve it.
My children wouldn't have dreamed of saying NO to me. There would have been no sweets, no money, nothing, until they behaved the way they were supposed to.

Answer 4

What kind of TV shows do you allow him to watch? What
kind of music do you allow him to listen to? Are his friends
okay kids? Kids are becoming more antisocial at an
alarming rate. Ask him what is wrong? Explain that the
behavior he is exhibiting isn't appropriate at all and won't
be allowed in the house. Since punishment isn't working
then try something else like making him write why he is
making the choices he does. Some therapy wouldn't hurt.
Tell him you love him but you will not allow the violence,
abusive language, or negative behavior. Keep reaching out to him. Sounds like he is trying to gain independence
but still wants to know if his boundaries are still in place.

Answer 5

I would ask you to examine what you are doing with him - how has he learned that this behaviour is acceptable?

If you want your child to behave appropriately, you have to set the standards for the behaviors you want. Too often, parents look only at undesirable behaviors and their parenting styles dissolve into complaining and reacting. If you focus on developing the positive behaviors in your child, then the negative behaviors won't be so overwhelming. You also have to determine your child's currency. Currency is anything that when presented during or immediately after a target behavior will increase the likelihood of that behavior occurring again. Figure out a way for them to get as much of what they want through appropriate behavior.

There are a number of different currencies that can vary with your child's age. This can be stuffed animals, DVDs, television and computer privileges and stereos. Once you understand what is valuable in your child's life, then you can mold and shape his or her behavior.

It is also effective to put in writing what you expect of your child, and what the consequences will be if he or she does not go with the program. These are called contingency contracts or behavioral contracts.

Answer 6

ummmm.. my advice is nanny 911!!! WeeeWoooWeeeWOoo!!! Or you can take away his pc and ps2. I wuld recommend taking away his ps2 games and saying what are u talking about? About his pc, better hope hes playing games not playing hookers. Delete the games, and put it on a different file, so when u does behave u can restore it. But take them away for now! When he talks back, i dont think CHILD ABUSE is the right way. Just ground him or double the chores he has to do. I hope you deal with him, if not there is always abortion @ 11! Adoption, etc lol! Nah just take this stuff away. Bribe him with new games and stuff, maybe he'll listen!

Answer 7

do you think maybe something is going on at school? I know kids go through some changes emotionally, but I don't think the violent behavior and language are normal! Maybe you need to seek counseling for him if it continues?? What do you mean he ignores the punishment?? If you mean he continues to use the items you have forbidden him to use, you may need to remove them and hide them until he starts to show respect toward you and your wife! I wish you all the best of luck...hang in there and stay strong!!! Hope he comes around!

Answer 8

I hate to be totally negative but sometimes kids get like this when molested when exactly did it start ? I say this because it happend to a friend I used to go to Church with when he was 12 by a youth counselor and he started acting out and then the parents went to the councilor for advice so it continued until someone caught him in the act. My friend is still messed up over it and even got released from the Navy over issues. When Exactly did it start???

Answer 9

I know someone who had a phase during which he exhibited similar behavior to your son's. The parents of the child physically took away what he was being punished with (like the ps2). They also made sure to check in with him frequently to make sure his life at school was not affecting his behavior at home. As he was not being bullied or in a gang, they just exerted their authority as best they could and waited for the phase to pass.

Answer 10

You need to physically remove the PS2 and PC. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it must be done, then he can't ignore the punishment. Also, it is time to take him to a counselor or doctor and address the anger issue. Most children who suffer from depression have violent angry outbursts.

Hope this helps