Have women lost sight of what the wedding day means?

Question

I know so many women who went over the top on the wedding spending tens of thousands and for what? One day. It seems that the whole marriage thing is more about the big fairytale day out whatever the cost rather than the actual act of joining with a man in marriage for the rest of their life. There seems to be years of planning for the one day yet little thought beyond the honeymoon, and not long afterwards they realise that they had the big day with the wrong guy, but they were blinded to that fact by the thrill of the wedding planning. Men seem to be passengers in the whole process while the girls get carried away. Couldn't the expense have been better spent for the future, and more though go into why you are doing it in the first place?

Answer 1

Here - here! I agree. Too much empasis on the reception, gifts, dresses, etc, and not enough on the actual ceremony or the reason for the whole event. I wish couples would focus more on the vows, the commitment and the marriage. All the other stuff is, well, just stuff.

Answer 2

I agree, girls think a lot about their wedding day, and so many have it all planned out, but I think the actual marriage is way more important than the wedding. I'm getting married soon, and even though there are a lot of things I'd really like, we're going to do a picnic/bbq for our friends and family, and put the money we save into a house. At the end of it all, I don't care what the venue looks like as long as we're married, afterall, guests come to see you get married, and it's not where you spend the day, it's who you spend it with...I reckon if all my friends are there we'll have a great time, whether I turn up in a limo or not

Answer 3

I agree. We got married this year and people couldnt understand when I was telling them I didnt want a wedding - I wanted to get married - there was a difference.

It all seems to start with a big flashy, modern engagement ring, lost of "were engaged" type announcements and a "long" engagement which is just designed to drag out the showing off and give the couple time to save thousands of pounds and spend time worrying about the little details (its so important to match the bridesmaids lipstick with the confetti!)

£10k later they are married and suddenly dont have anything to talk about now that wedding planning has gone!

We are not hippies or anything like that, we have good jobs and enjoy staying in beautiful hotels and eating fabulous food as much as the next person.

We just knew we wanted to be married, so got engaged and then started planning how soon we could get married. 6 months later (it would have been 3 months but we didn't have any annual leave available to us) we were in Cyprus, in a beautiful courtyard, surrounded by friends and family who had made a huge effort to be there.

We ate in a local taverna (my instructions were that I wanted somewhere that didn't do weddings!) eating whatever the chef decided that day was good (and boy it was!) a big chocolate cake for dessert, which was our wedding cake and plenty of local wine.

We mingled with the locals who also came in to eat and had a fantastic time and made some wonderful memories.

A month later our parents planned a party for all the folk who couldnt make it and now, 6 months later, having spent very little, I have wonderful memories and I can honestly say I wouldnt change a thing!

We splashed out on the holiday, and came away knowing that no money was wasted, and now we focus on our furture together.

Answer 4

Yes.

The whole idea that the cost shouldn't matter, just how you "feel" on the day -- what?? How are you going to feel in five years when you're still paying 20% interest on those credit cards that you maxed out for the wedding? If you can afford it (i.e., you actually have the cash in your bank account and you can prioritize that cash for the wedding and not a downpayment on a home), that's fine, but to put this impossible dream of a picture-perfect wedding -- the flowers! the candles! the music! elegant! unique! fabulous! -- as the only viable option cheats a lot of people who, realistically, can't afford a Martha Stewart wedding out of having a harmonious marriage! Besides, even the wealthiest person on the planet ought to think about what their spending says about their priorities.

Why not have your wedding focus on the commitment you are making to each other? What on earth do $500 bouquets of calla lilies and lace tablecloths tatted by blind tibetan nuns have to do with what is essentially a commitment ceremony? The average wedding has increased in cost by more than 50% since 1998. AND that same average wedding burns through 2/3 of the average person's yearly before-tax income! Do you really value your marriage LESS if you get your flowers in bulk, buy a dress on ebay, etc.? Our grandmothers got married in their homes or at the local church, in a dress they would wear again, with their sister or dearest friend as an attendant. And their marriages lasted a lifetime. Now we spend tens of thousands on extravagant ceremonies with nine attendants and 400 of our "closest" friends, and then half of us get divorced. Something is seriously wrong with our priorities here!!

Answer 5

I COMPLETELY AGREE!!

My best friend and I were getting married (relatively) at the same time. She was in the Spring I opted for the Fall.

She had EVERYTHING! An open bar, a band and a DJ. A horse and carriage to pick her up from the Church, doves flying over them at the Church, a designer dress that was expensive enough and then added on $1000 worth of alterations to get it 'just right'.....

We had about the same number of guests, we ate well at the dinner. I focused on the 'activities' during the reception and my dress very chic and very cheap ($800), I bought a pair of slippers to walk down the isle.

Long story short, her wedding was $15000 + (and she's still paying for it) where as mine was $ 5000, including an amazing honeymoon...

While we were planning our weddings - I longed to do the same things as her, to the point that I almost postponed my own wedding for a year to be able to do so.

Once our weddings were over - everybody had a great time, good food and great memories. Mine was just paid off before the New Year.

Looking back I remember the pain and sadness I went through, wanting to do more than I did... But in the end I wouldn't change anything that I had done.

Weddings have become the new "keeping up with the Jone's"

Answer 6

Yes- the average wedding in the U.S is over $20,000. Thats a down payment on a home! There are so many newlyweds starting their marriage in debt. Not a very smart thing to do!

I guess because marriages aren't lasting so long these days people would rather have an awesome wedding and honeymoon because at least they'd get some fun out of it. When they go into debt, give up on each other and dicvorce 3 years later they aren't going to have much use for the house anyway.

Answer 7

I am getting married very soon but really haven't spent that much money in comparison with lots of other couples, we have spent about £3000.

BUT the things we have paid for aren't really things we got because we wanted a fairytale wedding but just because its things people just expect at a wedding, like cars, cake, music etc. I dread to think of my families reaction if we didn't have all these things.

WE as a couple do actually care more about the vows, and WHY we are getting married in the first place(which is that we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together).

However i think you are right many couples do lose sight of what the day is really about, but i don't think its just women, men can get a little carried away too,.

You only have to look in a wedding mag to see proof of what you are saying, with couples spending ridiculous amounts of money on one day. Yes it should be a brilliant day but it doesn't have to cost so much money, money that could go to better use, such as a deposit for a house.

Answer 8

No.

I don't think there has been much of a change in the past few thousand years. Weddings have always been about a large ceremony. In some cultures, weddings used to, and maybe still do, last for multiple days. They are enormous parties where parents give away their daughters and display their social status and wealth. And there is an element of one-up-man-ship. Each wedding needs to be bigger and more grand then the last girl's. Some of this is the bride and some the parents, especially mothers it seems.

While we men might disagree with the planning, the lavishness and the expense, we also need to be mindful of the importance to our fiancees and wives. After all, we ask them to accept us buying an 80" TV and putting lift kits on our trucks that lift them so far into the air that the women need a ladder to get into them.

Just think of it as the first of many compromises that you and your wife will need to make if your marriage is going to last a lifetime.

Answer 9

I agree! It seems crazy to me too.
Hope my own daughter has more sense if she ever gets married!
1 I couldn't afford it and neither could she!
2 I hope I've given her a good role model to follow!
Her Father and I had a very low key wedding in a registry office with a small reception afterwards and used the money we had on the first home we set up! As we are still together after 36 years I think she knows that the Marriage is more important than the Wedding!
The stress of being in debt is probably One reason marriages fail so quickly nowadays too!!!

Answer 10

Some girls have yes, but then again if they can afford it and are not getting into vast debt for it then why not? Then again, have you ever looked at the cost of items for weddings? For example, we were looking for a venue for our reception, and one venue quoted £3000 room hire charge. Now if we were just booking a party, we would have got the room for £1500, as soon as you mention the word wedding the cost goes up. It is a special occasion though, and one that deserves to be celebrated in the best way possible, I agree that the girls think it is all "their day" and forget the fact that the men are involved as well. My fiance and I have divided the organising between us, as we both want to have a say in all aspects of the day (except my dress which I am choosing, and he is choosing his outfit as well) he is organising cars, catering, drinks and the marquee, I'm doing the rest along with both of our mothers. He chose the tasks he wanted to organise.

Answer 11

Not at all, I had the big white wedding, 5 course meal, Horse and carriage, 9 bridesmaids, band, the lot, at a cost of around £15,000. We didn't go into debt for it, we already had a home and mortgage and were both working and paid for it as we went along.
My partner was just as happy to go along with this as me, i didn't drag him along.
The idea was that we wanted a day for both of us and our family and friends to remember.
Our marriage didn't work but not because of me or the wedding day, apparently he just missed the foresaking all others part.
My parents had a similar wedding which for its day was extravagant, they would be celebrating their 50th anniversary this year had my dad lived.
The day and its cost is irrelevant, its about the way you are after the day, and thats a 2 way street. People should have what they want, as long as it is what they want and not to outdo someone else.

And the girl who's dad isn't walking her down the aisle should be grateful her dad will be there.. many aren't so lucky.